A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"
A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"
A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."
A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".
A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."
A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, I can understand why."
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!
A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa?
A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?"
Dr Morbius walks into a bar for a beer & asks the bar keep if he's heard any good ones lately...?
The bartender says " sorry sir i can't, you've told them all !!
(sorry couldn't help myself ,it was just too tempting - da devil made me do it ! )
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When you look in the mirror at midnight,what looks back at you.........
a man strolling along looking for a good bar hears shouting from above and looks up to see a man jump from the roof of a building. Motionless in panic he watches at the guy doesn't fall, but float gently down several stories and land on his feet. The man rushes over amazed and asks him how he did it.
'Theres the great bar up top and they have this drink, c'mon i'll show ya.'
so the man goes to the rooftop bar and has a few drinks with the would be jumper. after about an hour he's handed a bright green shot and the jumper tells him 'this is the one, here ya take it and then ya jump'
the man, too drunk to be nervous tips back the shot, puts the glass down, steps off the ledge of the roof, and the man falls to his death. the bartender seeing this slaps the jumper and says 'You are such an a-- when you're drunk Superman'
yeah its long but its worth it.
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I can tell the difference between punks who need a little lesson in manners... and the freaks like you who would just enjoy it.
A bear walks into a bar in Boise and orders a beer
Bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve bears beers in bars in Boise
To which the bear replies, If you don't give me a beer I'll eat that woman at the end of the bar
Bartender says, I don't care what you do, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise, there's an ordinance against it
So the bear gets up, walks to the end of the bar, eats the woman, comes back and says, Now give me that beer
Bartender says, I'll tell you this one last time, We don't serve bears beers in bars in Boise, especialy bears on drugs!
To which the bear replied, I'm not on drugs!
Bartender says, Well you are now! That was a bar bitch you ate...
sorry, that's the only bar joke I know
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I don't want to just scare them... I want to mess them up for life!
Another 'Walks into a Bar' Joke
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