# Advantage: Women



## datura (Sep 26, 2008)

ah ah... 
I love #15


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## CaptnJackSparrow (Jul 5, 2007)

*Compare The Genders*

*NICKNAMES*

If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. 

But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. 

EATING OUT
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. 

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. 

BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 

GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. 

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. 

SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. 
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. 

CATS
Women love cats. 

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. 

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. 

LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days. 

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. 
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. 
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." 

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. 

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


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## datura (Sep 26, 2008)

so true...!!!
you forgot one:
women don't think they're going to die every time they catch a cold...


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## CaptnJackSparrow (Jul 5, 2007)

Men and women complement each other by the unique traits we were each
given: 
WOMEN: 
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. 
They smile when they want to scream. 
They sing when they want to cry. 
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. 
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. 
They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, bikers, babes, and your neighbors. 
They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. 
They fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice. 
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and to get their family the right health care. 
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. 
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. 
They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. 
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. 
Women want to be the best for their family & their friends and themselves. 
Their hearts break when a friend dies. 
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. 
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. 
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! 
Women do more than just give birth. 
They bring joy and hope. 
They give compassion and ideals. 
They give moral support to their family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. 

MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.


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## CaptnJackSparrow (Jul 5, 2007)

Two groups of women, one of all Blondes and one of all

Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week long trip

throughout Arizona. The Grand Canyon, Painted Desert, Sedona, Lake

Powell, and much more are on the itinerary.



The Brunettes ride on the bottom of the bus. The Blondes ride on

the top level.



The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time,

when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes

upstairs.



She decides to get up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches

the top, she finds all the Blondes paralyzed in fear, staring

straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them

with white knuckles.



The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having

a great time downstairs!"



One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH,

BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER !"


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## Barbarella (Oct 17, 2003)

Love that last one!


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## Junit (Sep 1, 2008)

Chocolate really can solve all of one's problems... until a week later when we step on the scale... But that is solved by consuming more chocolate... Curse you chocolate!!!


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## [email protected] (Oct 9, 2008)

Women have a room full of shoes; men have one pair, when they're shoes are dirty they're work shoes, when they're clean they're dress shoes.


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## TK421 (Mar 27, 2009)

These are great! Thank you for all the laughs.


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## CaptnJackSparrow (Jul 5, 2007)

Men Are Just Happier People
========================================
Your last name stays put. 
The garage is all yours. 
Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
You can never be pregnant. 
Chocolate is just another snack. 
You can open all your own jars. 
You can play with toys all your life. 
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack. 
You never have strap problems in public. 
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. 
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 
You! are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
Everything on your face stays its original colour. 
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. 
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. 


Thinking Man - A little Reading is Dangerous
=============================================================
The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.' 
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, 
'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? 

His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'


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## CaptnJackSparrow (Jul 5, 2007)

We just cant win...
===================================================================
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. 
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. 

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. 
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. 

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. 
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. 

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. 
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. 

If you cry, you're a wimp. 
If you don't, you're insensitive. 

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig,
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. 

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. 
If she asks you, it's a favor. 

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. 
If you don't, you're a slob. 

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. 
If you don't, you're not thoughtful. 

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. 
If you're not, you're not ambitious. 

If she has a headache, she's tired. 
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.


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## CaptnJackSparrow (Jul 5, 2007)

*Reasons Guitars are Better than Women* 
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, Arial]REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN 

1. A guitar has a volume knob 
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one 
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to 
4. You can unplug a guitar 
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more 
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset 
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested 
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care 
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg. 
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it 
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar 
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set 
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking 
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required 
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free 
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out. 
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed. 
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you. 
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering. 
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke. 
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it. 

REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS 

1. Women are more fun when the power goes out 
2. You can't get your guitar wet 
3. Ever try to make love to a guitar? 
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4" 
5. A guitar won't beg to be played 
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it 
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue 
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive 
9. A guitar won't play you back 
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream 
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back 
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk 
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it 
14. You can't play two guitars at once 
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back) 
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings. 
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun. 
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them. 
19. You can't marry a rich guitar. 
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime. 
21. Guitars don't taste very good. 

[/FONT]


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## CaptnJackSparrow (Jul 5, 2007)

A University study group determined:

...married men don't live any longer than single men, it just feels that way.. 

..but another study said: married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die than single men..


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## TheEvilQueen (Sep 13, 2009)

GOD!
You are my humor hero.
Keep'em coming!


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