# Crashers... How To Deal With



## Spats (Sep 21, 2006)

We have this issue.

Last year, a young lady we're all aquainted with just dropped in, no costume, and began visiting and eating like she belonged, while making noise that she never got an invite.

When she saw the amount of work we put into the food and decor, and the amount of effort guests put into their costumes, she quickly quieted down. Once it was explained to her that we can't have everyone we know attend for space reasons, not to mention financial, she expressed complete understanding and was rather apologetic.

This year, she was sent an invite,... and the rest of her family showed up. She's in her twenties, but still lives with her mom and dad. 
Mom and Dad waltzed in,... no costumes... and made themselves quite at home. We know them, but they weren't invited.

Honestly, we don't want to say "only the invited get to participate in activities and receive prizes" or "only the invited get food" or what have you. It should go without saying who these things are intended for.
We don't want to make a scene, make anyone who wanted to come feel uncomfortable, or ask anyone to leave. The ugliness isn't worth it.
The best we can do, year after year, is make sure people understand it's invite only, send out physical invites and hope people respect what we're doing.

We don't have a solution that makes anyone comfortable.


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## WeirdRob (Aug 22, 2009)

I was going to suggest denying them entry into your house but that seems a bit mean. I'm sure someone can come up with a friendlier solution. But I still stand by my method.


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## crimsonqueen63 (Jul 12, 2008)

our annual party is sat the 24th........i don't care about crashers....even though we have limited space also...as long as they bring their own ..BOOZE! lol


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## Don of the Dead (Jan 20, 2005)

Or heres an idea....
Find the crashers addresses and the next night, show up at their house around dinner time and sit down and expect to be fed.


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## tgoodman (Sep 25, 2009)

I think you're right about the "ugliness" and maybe I'm just being petty; but, I so want to see my friends get some of the cool prizes we have and not complete strangers. We'll probably just write this year off, let everyone play, and be more explicit next year that, due to space issues, we can only allow an invitee to bring 1 guest. We will also make it a "Costume Mandatory" party, unlike this year and last; we are expecting 80 people and that's a stressful amount of people to have in a house, even though we live in the country and the house can accommodate it.  

Should be a blast, though. Thanks for all your replies!


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## tgoodman (Sep 25, 2009)

Don, I LOVE your idea!! LOL! Great stuff...


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## Baron Samedi (Jan 15, 2009)

It's a dilemma, as nobody wants to be percieved as lacking in hospitality.

Your invited guests are at fault. 

If the invitation is extended to "Mr Jones + guest" singular, it is extremely bad manners of Mr Jones to arrive with guests plural, unless he has called and sought your permission to bring an extra guest or two (he may, for instance have relatives staying with him over the period of the invitation). If his request is refused, he should have the good manners to politely decline your invitation "with regret".

To arrive with uninvited guests is disrespectful and can put you, the host, in a very awkward position.

Of course, correct form dictates that as host, you must extend your grace and hospitality on the evening to _all _your present company to the best of your ability, difficult as this may be.


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## hannibal (Oct 19, 2008)

tgoodman said:


> This is our 2nd annual Halloween party coming up this weekend. The first year we had 3 crashers... people who came with someone we invited, even though we told everyone they could bring only 1 guest due to space issues.
> 
> How do you deal with crashers when they want to participate in games for prizes and such? I give parties to do something nice for my friends and their significant other, not a bunch of people I don't know.
> 
> ...



I would let them participate but I would not let them win or explain to the people who brought them that their guests cannot participate in the game and let them explain it to their friends. There's no reason to say anything to the crashers. Then I would speak to the guests later on, who brought the crashers, and explain to them what you said here. You have space limitations and if they want to bring a guest that's fine. If they need to bring more than 1 guest you are going to NEED a phone call. Then you can say no.

Whatever happened to manners? I would never be so brazen as to just bring along whoever I wanted to someone else's party.


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## MsMeeple (Aug 21, 2004)

I think I'd go with Don's idea lol

I guess I'm lucky not to have experienced that problem in all the years of throwing parties.
I have had people ask if they could bring someone and that's usually not a problem.
This year I've had people call up or email and invite themselves haha American's of course 
But also being an american, I had no problem saying be sure to bring your own bottle haha and Guess the invitation was lost in the mail, I"ll send another! Cause honestly, if I had known they were interested, I would have sent an invite. A halloween party needs americans at it!

MsM


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## theicewitch (Oct 2, 2008)

I embrace all who come ... but I have tons of room and plan for extra folks.


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## propmistress (Oct 22, 2009)

My friend throws two Halloween parties a year. 

The first is an informal party for acquaintances and neighbors. People bring food and their own drinks. There are no games, no prizes, no contests, and costumes are optional. People only visit, eat and drink, and take a tour of the house. The party only lasts 2-3 hours and the party has a clear starting and stopping time. 

She views this party as her dry run. And sometimes even has her guests help with last minute decorating. 

The next party is for her “family” which are her real family and closest friends. This is the elaborate party. 

The benefit to this is no one feels left out ,and her neighbors don’t care that her real Halloween Party is still raging at 3:00 am.


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## The_King_Of_Halloween (Sep 30, 2009)

Don of the dead had the best idea hahaha. 

i swear people have no manners.


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## HeatherEve1234 (Sep 5, 2008)

The Baron is right in all the ettiquette - it was bad form for people to extend the invite without your permission, but once the uninvited are guests you should treat them like everyone else, or YOU are the one showing bad form.

Honestly, we have tight space too but I just encourage people to bring guests - The more the scarrier, right? People are more excited when they bring guests, more comfortable with a group they know, and I take it as a huge compliment that people are willing to suggest & endorse my party with the plethora of other opportunities out there. 

Of course, that has lead to us having over 50 people supposedly coming this year, a little terrifying based on the size of my house, but in the end it's going to be a much more fun party than if fewer people come because the friends they wanted to hang out with weren't invited. 

I do tell everyone costumes are mandatory, and when they ask if they can bring people I say "as long as they are over 21 and wearing a costume, bring whomever you want!" and ask for a heads up about the number.


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## tgoodman (Sep 25, 2009)

Heather, I think you make sense! I've re-thought my position on this, and, while I still think it's bad manners to invite uninvited guests without asking first, I'm thinking about cutting back the invited guests next year but telling the people I DO invite that they're welcome to bring 2 or 3 additional people; I do think people are more likely to show up and have fun if they know they'll have people to mingle with they already know. 

I ended up having 51 people at my party last night and it was a HUGE success! People had so much fun, and, the 3 uninvited guests that showed up were all really fun, good people. So, I'm gonna take a chill-pill next year and not be so uptight about it. I also saw that I can fit more people in my house than I ever thought I could.  Thanks again...



HeatherEve1234 said:


> The Baron is right in all the ettiquette - it was bad form for people to extend the invite without your permission, but once the uninvited are guests you should treat them like everyone else, or YOU are the one showing bad form.
> 
> Honestly, we have tight space too but I just encourage people to bring guests - The more the scarrier, right? People are more excited when they bring guests, more comfortable with a group they know, and I take it as a huge compliment that people are willing to suggest & endorse my party with the plethora of other opportunities out there.
> 
> ...


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## dippedstix (Jul 2, 2009)

Funny- we had this with our sons birthday party sat night. There is one kid that lives on our street that always invites one of his cousins with him to the party. I don't really mind it but honestly think it's weird and rude. I would never let my kid take one of his cousins to a birtdhay party he was invited to. He did it last yr and brought a different one this yr. LOL! I have kid party crashers. LOL


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## snowbaby (Aug 9, 2010)

We're dealing with a similar issue this year...had one neighbor (that I barely know) RSVP and ask if he could bring his neighbors behind him and THOSE neighbors want to bring another couple that they know too! So 6 people total from one invite. I don't know. This neighbor isn't someone I particularly like, so of course I'm imagining his friends may be like him as well. Ugh. So, I'm thinking we're gonna say no, but then again, what if I'm missing out on meeting some really cool people?


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## obcessedwithit (Jul 13, 2009)

crimsonqueen63 said:


> our annual party is sat the 24th........i don't care about crashers....even though we have limited space also...as long as they bring their own ..BOOZE! lol


I agree, I have plenty of room but bring your own BOOZE......................


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## Trinity1 (Sep 5, 2009)

That happened to us the first year we had a party. My friends sister wanted to stop by...and ended up bringing about 6 other people...who then drank all our beer. If one of my guests asks if they can bring someone that is uninvited...I just make sure that we're very clear that that person can come...but that there should be no entourage accompaying them. I don't think there is anything wrong with being specific about that. The way I see it, it's my home and I've put a lot of time and effort into our party....I don't want a bunch of people there that I don't know and I don't like feeding strangers


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## HallowYves (Jul 11, 2009)

I might be singled out here...but coming from another culture it is not only rude but a disgusting act of hostility to ask a person to leave a party...even the idea alone to not have enough food or room for an "extra person" shows a lack of class and mannerism. Where my parents come from...and an ideal I still hold if you can't afford the luxury of having one or twenty people show up, then don't bother doing it at all.
Every year I throw a party I always have too deal with crashers, people who I have never met come into my party and eat my food and sometimes cause a huge commotion...and cops has to be called. But it never really stopped me...what I do now since it is expected from me. I limit the things I do... how much food will be contributed, when I shut down the party, and how I interact with "strangers". 
I would come up to the person that I assume invited themselves and ask, Who they are? then introduce myself and ask who they came with. I guess I am ballsy that way...but since I don't get to kick them out... I will make it my priority to make them understand, that they were not welcome, in a friendly manner ofcourse.
But with parties you never will know what will come of it... so instead of stressing about these things like contest, food and room, maybe just limit what you do.


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## BWarriner (Jul 29, 2008)

Our party is always 'Costumes Mandatory' but at least one person shows up without a costume every year. We (our door person or whichever host is working the door at that time) simply turns them away and reiteratesn that the invitation explicitely stated that costumes were mandatory. I really have no qualms with it, and for the amount of time (6+ month planning, 1+ month setting up) and effort of setting up the whole interior of the house and backyard, hiring bartenders and a DJ for the garage, and all the free alcohol and food we offer, the absolute least anyone could do is show up in a costume. We had a guest last year wear cat ears and no other costume thinking that was acceptable but we turned her away too. For those guests that invite friends, as long as they are over 21 and wearing a costume, they can come in. This year, we are toning down the party from the normal 180+ folks down to around 100 people.
We don't play games or anything...not sure how you guys do that with all the other partying going on, lol. 

In response to those that thought it was weird about the guests that bring other guests, I suppose that it is a comfort issue, they want to bring someone else that they may know and can hang out with in case there is no one else there that they recognize.


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## The Red Hallows (Sep 21, 2009)

*I'm all about having a packed house, and on that note.... while attending a party at my friend's house, her neice brought an over 21 friend who brought their own drinks, but ended stealing a digital camera.  She got the camera back, but it just goes to show you that you have no idea who the friend of the friend may turn out to be. *


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## Magickbean (Dec 6, 2007)

Every year I've held a party, we've had gatecrashers. Every year, it's a slightly different situation.. sometimes they're a new boyfriend we didn't know was coming, sometimes it's someone who never RSVP'd showing up 3 hours late with no costume on and sometimes it's a friend with a whole entourage of other friends. When I helped my parents throw a party, one of the guests decided to bring his two young children, despite it being an adults only party, and they proceeded to run around the house and cause havoc. It happens, and you deal with it. 

As a party host, I have come to expect gatecrashers, and really what can you do? You can't turn them away (as much as you feel like it at the time) unless they are a complete stranger of course, and not invited even by proxy.. that's just weird.. I've kicked two biker guys out of one of my parties that I held in a function room above a bar before. They had settled themselves down to eat all of my party food, and no one had a clue who they were. Turns out they had wandered upstairs (the function room had no real security from the bar downstairs) and so I asked them to leave, and explained it was my private party. They were quite apologetic and left without a fuss, but then at the end of the evening when we were packing everything away, we had two very drunk and aggressive women come in and refuse to leave. They started a fight with one of my guests.. urgh *shudder* bit of an ugly end to my party, so I took it back into the comfort of my own home since then. I may be wary of who I let into my house, but at least I know that one of my guests will know the person, should anything happen.

Gatecrashing is a risk of any event, you gotta take the rough with the smooth, so they say. Don't put up with bad behaviour at your party (that goes for gatecrashers and well-loved guests alike) - at the end of the day it is YOUR home after all. Respect is a two-way thing; you respect them by accommodating them and they should respect you and your house. If they turn up uninvited by myself, but they're accompanying a guest that I have invited, I don't really mind if they attend. I am always a little irked at the time I suppose, but that's more my neurosis of things getting out of control. If they are well-behaved and enjoy themselves, I normally invite them back the following year. 

As for participation for gatecrashers.. well, I always offer them a drink and something to eat. I try to be a good hostess to everyone, and you have to remember that if they're accompanying your friend, you're really being a gracious host for your friend, not the gatecrasher. Denying them access to the food or drink etc would make them and your other guests uncomfortable. I allow them to participate in my costume competition (as long as they're wearing one, obviously.. no one can win a costume competition without a costume!) and I allow them to participate in my games because.. well, how would you feel if your friend invited you along to a party and you said "oh wow, really?" and they said something like "yeah no problem, so-and-so won't mind!" because they honestly think you won't. Then you turn up to the party all costumed up with your friend, excited to meet a bunch of new people and join in what you think will be an awesome party, and then the host opens the door and their face falls. They reluctantly let you in with a scowl in the direction of your partner, then tells you that you can't be in the costume competition because you weren't technically invited. So you admire the food and drink and they say "that's for invited guests only". Feeling unwelcome and embarrassed, you try to join in with a game so you can mingle and feel a bit less awkward, and the host tells you that you're not allowed to join in the activities because you're not a true guest. That would make you feel like poop, right? Right. I don't want anyone to feel like that at my party, invited or no.

So basically what I'm saying is, be a gracious host and include them. Treat them as you would any other guest - if you receive them respectfully, you invite respect from them, and that's what you want ultimately because it will make them behave themselves. Aggression is often met with aggression and that's where scenes are made. If they don't behave themselves, as with any other guest, you have the right to eject them from the party. If they were out of line in a bar or nightclub, they'd be turfed out and the same rules apply for someone's house. What I would say is if your friend brought another guest when you specifically asked them not to and there literally wasn't the space to accommodate them, or the gatecrasher's behaviour wasn't acceptable.. anything that made you, the host, uncomfortable, just talk to your friend after the party's over and done with. Explain to them that you invited certain people and not others for a reason, and why you were upset/angry/awkward/offended when they assisted gatecrashing. 

Most people that invite gatecrashers and the gatecrashers themselves often don't realise how rude it comes across to us. Explaining the issue in private afterwards normally resolves the issue. Sorry I did go on a little bit there, but I hope what I've said makes sense, and helps a little. You're certainly not alone!


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## tgoodman (Sep 25, 2009)

snowbaby said:


> We're dealing with a similar issue this year...had one neighbor (that I barely know) RSVP and ask if he could bring his neighbors behind him and THOSE neighbors want to bring another couple that they know too! So 6 people total from one invite. I don't know. This neighbor isn't someone I particularly like, so of course I'm imagining his friends may be like him as well. Ugh. So, I'm thinking we're gonna say no, but then again, what if I'm missing out on meeting some really cool people?


I think you have to make judgments about: space, food, booze, prizes, etc. If your space is limited, do you want your invited guests being crowded or uncomfortable for people you don't even know and may not like? Do you have enough food for everyone? Drink? Do you mind uninvited guests winning prizes that cost YOU money when, clearly, you'd probably rather see your true friends get something great for coming to your party? 

On the other hand, I've had some really fun people crash the party - people who ended up making others feel more comfortable and enhancing the entertainment factor. It's a risk having parties! LOL!


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## Trinity1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I think the point is that not everyone has enough space to have all of these "extra" people show up. My house is SO tiny...I mean seriously small...so I invite as many people as we can hold comfortably. So when people start bringing this person...and this group of people...and then that person...it gets way too crowded for us to comfortably handle. I allow people to bring guests...but I keep it controlled so that I don't have more people then we can handle. I don't find this rude at all. On the contrary, I find it rude that guests would just show up with groups of other people. I, personally would never do that, so I don't expect it from anyone else.


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## halloween71 (Apr 22, 2007)

Anybody that behave themselves are welcomed at my home.
my moto the more the merrier.
We supply all the booze complete with keg over 500.00 goes to the cost of food and drink for the party..not including the decor or paper products.
If i was strapped for cash I would do byob and bring a dish to share.
Know if they don't behave I will kick there [email protected]@ and they all know I will.


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## rockplayson (Jun 7, 2008)

I don't mind crashers. We don't do prizes or costume contest anyways because most of the people that come are halfway drunk before they arrive so that's what our partys are. 

The space I can understand completely so just put that on the invite people should understand.


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## Civilian (Sep 29, 2009)

Would it be too rude to go "Carrie" on the crashers? It is Halloween there should be blood right?
I would in the very least scare the crap out of them especially those not in costume.


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## NOWHINING (Jul 25, 2009)

after reading all of this, I think i have mix feelings. Maybe it mostly because if someone came that was not invited Spookyone and I would welcome them (that is if we know them) We would not like them to feel unwelcome, the more the scarrier for us. Its just not us. We have a friend that had allllways asked permission to bring a friend to the party and with her asking its really okay with us. But if they show up uninvited.... I am not sure what i would do or what Spookyone would do. We have not ever had that problem. I guess it was just something to think about.


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## madammorrible (Aug 9, 2009)

I am going to second the good Baron on this one. I also consulted my Emily Post book on Entertaining. (No Jokes please - lol) She agrees that if you have food to spare that you be the gracious host. I understand how it can feel though. I've had it happen to me. My BIL said he and his wife were coming and they showed up on Halloween night with his super religious inlaws that were so uncomfortable in my haunted out home. It was so horrible and ruined halloween for me. But when someone crashes my Halloween party I kinda see it as a good thing. My Halloween party's are the bomb! Why wouldn't they want to come? That is why I do the voting on costumes, and I control the prizes so that if they did win a prize - I can keep it in line with something I'm comfortable with. It's a chance to make a new friend!!!! You never know...But if they miss behave - they are gone and I don't care who brought them.


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## JustJ (Oct 4, 2010)

Perhaps if you made the party by invitation only, or issued tickets of some sort to those who are expected to be attending? If you could get a friend to be the "bouncer" at your door, it would turn away those without invites/tickets or costumes? Just an idea.

J.


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## Halloween_Mom (Jun 29, 2008)

*two parties*



propmistress said:


> My friend throws two Halloween parties a year.
> 
> The first is an informal party for acquaintances and neighbors. People bring food and their own drinks. There are no games, no prizes, no contests, and costumes are optional. People only visit, eat and drink, and take a tour of the house. The party only lasts 2-3 hours and the party has a clear starting and stopping time.
> 
> ...


Love it!!! What a wonderful idea!


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## amanet17 (Oct 13, 2009)

tgoodman said:


> I think you're right about the "ugliness" and maybe I'm just being petty; but, I so want to see my friends get some of the cool prizes we have and not complete strangers.


Well if that is the case, since it's only fair, i know it may sound like cheating but in your head disqulaify whoever was not invited and pick a winner based on invitees. It's not the best solution but it's a small way to get one on the crashers.


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## amanet17 (Oct 13, 2009)

JustJ said:


> Perhaps if you made the party by invitation only, or issued tickets of some sort to those who are expected to be attending? If you could get a friend to be the "bouncer" at your door, it would turn away those without invites/tickets or costumes? Just an idea.
> 
> J.


Yeah but what if one of the crashers arrived with an invitee and is turned away, how would they get home? there is really no way around without getting ugly i think, if your planning a party, get RSVP's and then add a few extra on top of that in case of crashers.


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## Halloween Princess (Sep 23, 2008)

I think I am uptight on this situation. At our recent house warming party full of friends we have known for years, an item was stolen & an art piece busted to pieces (accident, but still happened). I definitely don't feel very comfortable with strangers in my house. 

We already invite about 50 people, so if everyone brought one or two extras, our house would be overflowing. However, if someone does bring along a stranger I would welcome them completely. Then tell the friend afterward that we prefer to keep it invite only for next year. 

We have people ask to guests every year & we usually say no due to space. But we judge it by case. For example, if my best friend's cousin was visiting her from out of state, I'd let her come along. I wouldn't expect my friend to come to the party & leave her house guest sitting at home.


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## Edward (Sep 24, 2010)

I am truely amazed at the lack of traditional manners some people have. My wife and I are hosting a costume only party for 120 people and the event is being catered at the rate of $42 per person. People don't give any consideration to the cost the host is paying out when they just show up with more than one uninvited guest. Even a phone call or e-mail would be considered rude in my book requesting permission to bring along extra guests to an invitation only affair. We are having the event for only our closest friends and their significant others. Just saying ..............


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## JustJ (Oct 4, 2010)

amanet17 said:


> Yeah but what if one of the crashers arrived with an invitee and is turned away, how would they get home? there is really no way around without getting ugly i think, if your planning a party, get RSVP's and then add a few extra on top of that in case of crashers.


Good point, and one I didn't consider.


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## HauntedHorror (Aug 8, 2006)

I would say just make it more clear on next year's invitation.

Another thing you can do is let everyone know that the games/prizes are only for those in costume. No costume, no games or prizes.

Personally I encourage my friends to bring friends, but my parties are generally small so we have extra room, and I've found more people=more fun party. Plus I usually have a few people who say they're coming and don't show up, so the extra guests "fill in" for them so to speak.

Actually I met a good friend by another friend bringing her to my birthday party one year. My friend called at the last minute and asked if she could bring her along, and I said sure. I didn't know her before then, but she is now one of my best friends. I always tell people that we met at my birthday party and joke that I met her by saying, "Who are you and why are you in my house?"


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## Haunted Dogs (Jun 15, 2007)

We're very relaxed about it all...have the "the more, the merrier" attitude. But so far we've been very lucky. There's only been one guy that was a problem, a brother of one of the guests. They had asked if he could come but he was a creep, so when the next year's party invites were handed out we asked them to not bring him and explained why. They were understanding, still came, and had a great time. It helps that a bunch of our neighbors and even their grown children participate, and they all keep an eye out to make sure everything is okay. Oh, and although we sure don't have much of value, we do put away anything like purses, wallets etc that might walk away otherwise. Don't want to tempt fate in that manner!


As for people that come without a costume, we have in the past written on the invite that although costumes are not mandatory, if you do come without one WE will dress you. We keep costumes & accessories from previous years and can choose to dress someone. But to be honest, since there's maybe only 1 or 2 people that do not come dressed (out of 50-60+), they already feel funny by being the odd ones out. 

As hosts of the party of course we want everyone to have a good time, but WE want to have a good time too. So we've figured out to not stress about the small stuff. As long as the people that come are respectful, we're fine...and we've met some awesome people that way.


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