# Another 'Walks into a Bar' Joke



## One Eye'd Jack

Frankenstein, Dracula and the Wolfman walk into a bar
and the Bartender says, "Is this a joke?"



Hey, I've got to start posting again, SOMEhow!


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## Handy_Haunter

Skeleton walks into the bar and says 'Give me a beer and a mop'.


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## CMGhost

A giraffe walks into a bar and says "The high balls are on me!"

A ham samich walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink...bartender turns around and says "We don't serve food here"


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## Dr Morbius

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."


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## Dr Morbius

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts". 

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!" 

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!" 

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. 

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?" 

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high." 

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out. 

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi." 

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone." 

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" 

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse." 

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!" 

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!" 

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot." 

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents." 

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!" 

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, I can understand why." 

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw." 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!" 

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal. 

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?" 

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?" 

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?" 

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?" 

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water." 

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!" 

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog." 

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place." 

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?" 

A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up. 

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa? 

A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?"


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## Dark lord

Dr Morbius walks into a bar for a beer & asks the bar keep if he's heard any good ones lately...? 
The bartender says " sorry sir i can't, you've told them all !! 
(sorry couldn't help myself ,it was just too tempting - da devil made me do it ! )


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## Dr Morbius

Sorry bout that...Hope I didn't ruin the game. Drats.


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## Dark lord

Dr Morbius said:


> Sorry bout that...Hope I didn't ruin the game. Drats.


Naaa, ya just raised the bar to see if anyone has some we haven't heard of.....
What else ya got ?


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## the dogman

a man strolling along looking for a good bar hears shouting from above and looks up to see a man jump from the roof of a building. Motionless in panic he watches at the guy doesn't fall, but float gently down several stories and land on his feet. The man rushes over amazed and asks him how he did it. 
'Theres the great bar up top and they have this drink, c'mon i'll show ya.'
so the man goes to the rooftop bar and has a few drinks with the would be jumper. after about an hour he's handed a bright green shot and the jumper tells him 'this is the one, here ya take it and then ya jump'
the man, too drunk to be nervous tips back the shot, puts the glass down, steps off the ledge of the roof, and the man falls to his death. the bartender seeing this slaps the jumper and says 'You are such an a-- when you're drunk Superman'

yeah its long but its worth it.


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## spookineer

A bear walks into a bar in Boise and orders a beer
Bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve bears beers in bars in Boise
To which the bear replies, If you don't give me a beer I'll eat that woman at the end of the bar
Bartender says, I don't care what you do, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise, there's an ordinance against it
So the bear gets up, walks to the end of the bar, eats the woman, comes back and says, Now give me that beer
Bartender says, I'll tell you this one last time, We don't serve bears beers in bars in Boise, especialy bears on drugs!
To which the bear replied, I'm not on drugs!
Bartender says, Well you are now! That was a bar ***** you ate...

sorry, that's the only bar joke I know


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## Blood~Hound

A man walks into a bar sits down at a table with group of guy's after B.S. ing for awhile he goes up to the bar and orders a drink. He says to the bartender: you look like a gambling kinda guy, I tell you what I bet you a dollar I can bite my right eye the bartender says alright the guy pulls out his right eye and bites it (fake eye). The guy says to the bartender okay I'll give you a chance to get your money back I'll bet 20.00 dollars I can bite my left eye. The bartenders says okay *thinking to himself I saw this guy walk in so I know he can't have two fake eyes* The guy pulls out his false teeth and bite's his left eye. the bartender pays the and the guy says I feel kinda guilty so I'll give a chance to make a boatload of money I'll bet you a hundred I can pee from right here in that glass *sliding his empy glass all the way to the end of the bar* at the end of the bar. The bartender eagerly accepts the bet knowing full well there is no way in hell this guy could do it. The guy stands, unzips, and starts peeing everywhere, not one drop lands in the glass. The bartender is exstatic and laughing his ass off. The guy pays the bartender his 100.00 dallors and just starts chuckling and laughing. The bartender ask's why are you laughing you just lost a 100.00 dallors to me. The guy responds saying I know but you see I bet those guy's over there 500.00 dollars I could piss all over you and your bar and make you laugh about it.


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## CaptnJackSparrow

A blonde driving a sport car really fast, was pulled over by a blonde motorcycle cop.. The cop says, "I need to see your license and registration.."

The blonde driver, annoyed that she was pulled over, rifles thru her purse looking for her license, says.. "License??? License?? What does it look like??"

The blonde cop says, "You know, its a little card... has your picture on it.."

The driver, thinks for a moment.. pulls out her compact, looks at it and says "is this it?"

The cop looks at it, and says, "Yes, oh, I'm sorry, I didnt realize you were a cop also, you're free to go..."


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## Monster Mash

Those are pretty funny!!!!


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## Frankie's Girl

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender tell him "Hey, we don't serve string in here - get out!"
So the string goes outside, rolls around in the street and shreds himself on the curb and then ties himself into a big snarl.
He gets back up and goes back into the same bar, and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at him and says "Aren't you the same string that just came in here a minute ago?"

The string says "NO! I'm a frayed knot!"


*say it out loud*


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## bayork

"Olive or Twist"....?

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

Dr. Morbius, you *rocked* this thread!


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## restlessspirit

Love this thread! had me in tickles  x


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## Gerrard

A polar bear walks into a bar and says "Alright, can I please have a beer, a jack daniels, a bourbon, another beer and ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... a vodka?"
Barman replies "Why the big pause?!"

Makes me smile anyway


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## HallowSusieBoo

*OK OK _ I KNOW this was 2 years ago --- but...*

*I only joined a year ago and this one is super cute!! Plus, I can tell it in all company and not feel too icky... Thanks FG - still makes us giggle!
*


Frankie's Girl said:


> A string walks into a bar and orders a beer.
> The bartender tell him "Hey, we don't serve string in here - get out!"
> So the string goes outside, rolls around in the street and shreds himself on the curb and then ties himself into a big snarl.
> He gets back up and goes back into the same bar, and orders a beer.
> The bartender looks at him and says "Aren't you the same string that just came in here a minute ago?"
> 
> The string says "NO! I'm a frayed knot!"
> 
> 
> *say it out loud*


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## Pumpkinhead625

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on a barstool, and says to the bartender, "Got any worms ??". The bartender says "No, we don't serve worms here", so the duck hops down off the barstool and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar again, hops up, and says "Got any worms??"; again, the bartender says "No, we don't serve worms here", and the duck leaves.

This goes on for several days, until one day the bartender finally had enough, and tells the duck, "Look, you come in here every day and ask for worms, and every day I tell you we don't serve worms. If you come in here again and ask if we got worms, I'm gonna set you up here and nail your feet to the top of the bar. Now GET OUTTA HERE !! "

The next day the duck walks into the bar, hops up on a barstool, and says, "Got any nails??". The bartender says "No", to which the duck replies "Great! Got any worms???".


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## kevin242

I guy walks into a bar and says "OWWW!"
(Because he just walked _into_ a bar).

An Irishman walks out of a bar... it could happen.


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## Gym Whourlfeld

*A small town, 1933*

a car drives down Main Street, parks a man gets out, looks back and forth, abit nervously...
HE comes back outside, looks left, right then looks some more.
"That shifty , nervous guy must be a gangster? Maybe John Dillenger?"
They rush him, hold on to his arms, wrestle him to the ground, he has no weapons of any kind.
"Why were you acting so suspicious?"
"Because Im just a lowly Catholic Priest trying to have a beer!"
This is a true story.


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## HallowSusieBoo

*Another guy walks into a bar. . .*

I got one:


*A guy walks into a bar....

Ouch!*


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## HallowSusieBoo

kevin242 said:


> I guy walks into a bar and says "OWWW!"
> (Because he just walked _into_ a bar).
> 
> An Irishman walks out of a bar... it could happen.



*Gee - howd I miss that... LOL Must be that bump on my head from walkin' into a bar just now....!!

If I change mine to a GAL walks into a bar - does that count?! 
*


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## HallowSusieBoo

*A pirate walked into a bar. . .*

*A pirate walked into a bar. 

The bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." 

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." 

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." 

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." 

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" 

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine really." 

"What about that eye patch? 

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye." 

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird ****." 

"It was my first day with the hook."*


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## Nelvira

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel on his belt. The bartender says "hey buddy did you know you have a steering wheel on your belt?" The pirate says, "Yeah, it's drivin' me nuts!"


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## Pumpkinhead625

Since we're on a tangent with pirate jokes, here's one:

A pirate ship was sailing the high seas, when the lookout yelled, "WARSHIP ON THE HORIZON !!" Immediately, the captain turned to his first mate and loudly declared, "BRING ME MY RED SHIRT !!" The captain put on his red shirt, the two ships engaged in battle, and the pirate ship repelled the attack. 

Afterward, the first mate asked the captain, "Why did you ask for your red shirt?" The captain replied" I wanted it so that if I was injured in battle, the men wouldn't see me bleeding, and they wouldn't lose heart during the battle, and continue to fight."

Just then, the lookout yelled "TWENTY WARSHIPS ON THE HORIZON !!" Immediately, the captain turned to his first mate and loudly declared, "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS !!"


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## Greyhawke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks around and asks the bartender, "Hey, what's with the panda in the corner?" The bartender says, "Oh him, he's a regular. Comes here for lunch every couple of days. You want to watch yourself around him though."

Sure enough, as the man watches, the panda finishes his lunch, gets up and shoots the waiter, sidling out the door. The guy is shocked, saying to the bartender, "Now what's up with THAT?" The bartender says, "Dont'cha know anything about pandas?" and pulls an encyclopedia off the shelf, opening to panda. It clearly states: Panda: Eats, shoots, and leaves.

<rim shot>


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## BooBoo

Two guys walk into a bar, you would think after the first one breaks his nose the second one would of walked around


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## Eviliz

This isn't a joke, but a true story. 

Kreepfest a few years ago, everyone in costume decided to walk down the block to a local bar. Peanut was dressed as a king, Pickleman was a monk, and Peanut's sister-in-law was a mermaid. Darkman lead the way dressed in normal clothes. He walks up to the bartender, ( a blonde lady) and says. 

"Tell me if you've heard this one. A king, a monk, and a mermaid walk into a bar..." 

Right behind him, here they come on cue. The woman? Blank stare and then "and?"


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## TheEighthPlague

On a hot day a penguin's AC goes out on his car. He drops the car off at the mechanic and due to the heat goes across the street to get some ice cream. As penguins don't have any hands, he gets ice cream all over himself.

When he returns to the mechanic, the mechanic says, "...looks like you blew a seal."


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## kevin242

very funny all, got some good ones now.


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## HallowSusieBoo

*LOL LOL LOL ! ! ! I just HAD to re-read all these. This thread will get you giggling for sure!!*


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## Robin Graves

Here's one my kid told me.

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says (I'm looking for the man who shot my paw)


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## Kev730

Why couldnt the skeleton go to the movie theater? 
A-------He had no-body to go with.

Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?
A------He had no guts.


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## pmpknqueen

A pirate walks into a bar with a roll of paper towels balancing on his head like a hat. He sits down and the bartender takes one look at him and asks, "What's this all about?" (gesturing to the paper towels atop his head) The pirate replies, "Arrrg I've got a Bounty on me head!"


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## HalloweenJokes

A skeleton walks in to a bar


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