# Random Humor



## Raven's Hollow Cemetery




----------



## 22606

Great I love the Lamont one (yes, despite my age, I know of _Sanford and Son_).


----------



## Raven's Hollow Cemetery

Uh oh! What does it mean if I grew up watching Sanford & Son...and they were'nt even in reruns yet?  


What santa does for those who are naughty! 











Anyone notice a sudden draft? 











Oh, & lest we forget: Kitten Mitten's!


----------



## 22606

Raven's Hollow Cemetary said:


> Uh oh! What does it mean if I grew up watching Sanford & Son...and they were'nt even in reruns yet?


It means that you didn't have to grow up watching Beverly Hills 90210 and crap like that

"Santa, I'll be good, I promise!!"


When 1 pug just isn't enough...









Would this be a llamoodle?


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my gosh, those are to funny. here's mine
some guys were hired to put up polls so cars could not drive up in that area.








notice the workers are not blonde or female


----------



## 22606

That is great, hallo


----------



## hallorenescene

too funny garth. i liked them both, but the first one cracked me up out loud.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> too funny garth. i liked them both, but the first one cracked me up out loud.


I'm glad that you are enjoying this thread. Yeah, that one had me really laughing, too


Fun factoid: When _Mr. Potato Head_ was first introduced in the 1950's, buyers had to also purchase their own potatoes (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mr_Potato_Head_1952.jpg). Going by that, if potatoes are left out long enough and they begin to sprout 'limbs', does the owner have to worry about being sued for copyright infringement if they decide to sell the knockoffs?


----------



## Raven's Hollow Cemetery

ROFL!!! @ the "Don't even fart" sign! ...and speaking of...


----------



## hallorenescene

okay, hands down, don't wear white pants after eating chili or cooked cabbage. yikes, how embarrasing was that. i recall a show and they had joe blow off the streets trying out for some girls affection. can't remember the name of the show. they all had to do different things to win her over. one thing was where they had to exert themselves by lifting something heavy. then the next field they entered they had to take off their shorts and be judged in their boxers. that is what the one guys boxers looked like. nasty. do you think he knew he had a blow out. if i did, i would have quit the competition.


----------



## 22606

I love the Cthulhu one, RHC



hallorenescene said:


> okay, hands down, don't wear white pants after eating chili or cooked cabbage. yikes, how embarrasing was that. i recall a show and they had joe blow off the streets trying out for some girls affection. can't remember the name of the show. they all had to do different things to win her over. one thing was where they had to exert themselves by lifting something heavy. then the next field they entered they had to take off their shorts and be judged in their boxers. that is what the one guys boxers looked like. nasty. do you think he knew he had a blow out. if i did, i would have quit the competition.


Wow... That's hilarious (and equally disturbing).


For some reason, the audition wasn't a hit with the judges of the talent show.


----------



## hallorenescene

it was disturbing, you should have seen the face of the girl that he was supposed to impress. better yet, you should have seen my face. but you know what, think how embarrased he was when he did find out. 
i like your second photo. that is true. very funny.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> better yet, you should have seen my face.
> i like your second photo. that is true. very funny.


I can imagine

Thanks. It certainly is true, and I'd probably wind up looking like the second one mixed with Homer Simpson, with a river of drool on the seat


How _not_ to get a car onto the bed of a towtruck...









The deep South?









Cletus prepares for his first trip to a goth club.


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my gosh, can you see the tow truck guy trying to explain why your car is totaled.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> oh my gosh, can you see the tow truck guy trying to explain why your car is totaled.


"I thought you said that it only had a small ding... What is _this_?!"


----------



## Dark Passenger

This made me laugh a lot harder than it probably should've. 





Since flatulence seems to be a recent topic, I have something to contribute (no, I'm not crop dusting as I type). My dog, at the brink of sleep, farts, and jumps up like a spooked cat. All I can say is, "Dude, that came from you."

Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip, aha, aha.


----------



## hallorenescene

i thought that video was cool. great make up job.


----------



## 22606

After a minute it came to me: _Sesame Street_!! I knew that the aliens seemed familiar for some reason











Nah, let's take the escalator...


----------



## Raven's Hollow Cemetery

Love the aliens vid Dark! It's been a long time since I've seen those two... 

ROFL @ the pics Garth, and the story HalloweenScene


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

The Star Wars Stormtroopers in the Chicago area at Trans World one year were amazing. The Hotel elevator opened and out they came with Darth too. A small boy was absolutely awe struck! It was So Cute!
They all made their costumes after building their own vacuum form machines.
They also pay visits to children in hospitals........


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones garth and raven


----------



## Dark Passenger

Oh my, my Lupin has a flatulent friend somewhere out there. 

I can't imagine what the excuse is for that escalator It wouldn't do much good to people who use wheelchairs, I would think.

I don't know who Obi-Wan just Jedied off the stage, but it's great. Now he needs to go knock Steven Tyler off the stage again as punishment for American Idol.

Speaking of falling. . .





What makes this one extra great is that Lisi was horrible.


----------



## 22606

Those are very amusing, RHC. The last one is also a bit terrifying...

Gym, sounds cool. That had to have been great to see

The first one caught me by surprise, Dark Passenger, as I was expecting someone else to fall












Meanwhile, on Endor...


----------



## 22606

Can't get much more random


----------



## Dark Passenger

WTH? I'd say mushrooms had everything to do with those clips. Those things were like Pokemon gone really wrong, but in the funniest way possible.

I wish I knew the whole story behind this one.


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger said:


> Those things were like Pokemon gone really wrong, but in the funniest way possible.
> 
> I wish I knew the whole story behind this one.


Sounds about right

Same here. That is hilarious


British comedy:


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my goodness. that last one was terrifying. and still, the show must go on. that had to be intentional. that's what disturbing. and where did that cow come from. the goofy one needs more information. it was funny though. ahhh, what cute dogs. and for the gophers, i want a mallet so i can hit each one that pops up. anyone want to keep score?


----------



## Dark Passenger

A falling cow is great in and of itself, but then there was Simon Pegg! I watched the clip again to be sure. Yes, Simon Pegg! I wanted to bow to my computer screen.

Now I have to do this.






And here's a change to a Star Wars movie I can get behind.


----------



## hallorenescene

who's simon pegg?
the two you just posted are great fun


----------



## Raven's Hollow Cemetery

hallorenescene said:


> who's simon pegg?
> the two you just posted are great fun


Simon Pegg played Shaun, of Shaun of the Dead. He also starred in "We Know Where You Live", "Mission Impossible III", "Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol" and played Scotty in the 2009 "Star Trek". Also under his list of accolades is the TV series "Hot Fuzz", "Spaced", and HBO's excellent "Band of Brothers". He is freaking hilarious doing stand up too! 














Just can't let this go w/o turning it into a gigantic Pegg fest!


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> and for the gophers, i want a mallet so i can hit each one that pops up. anyone want to keep score?


Count me in



hallorenescene said:


> the two you just posted are great fun


Agreed. Both were hilarious, DP


----------



## 22606

RHC, even the freakin' ads are freezing, so I'm still on #1 From what I've managed to watch, this vid is great, though


----------



## Raven's Hollow Cemetery

Looks like you'll have to click the "Watch on Boobtube" link.... Ya know, I thought the Fair Use act was supposed to prevent this sort of ****e. :/


----------



## 22606

Raven's Hollow Cemetary said:


> Looks like you'll have to click the "Watch on Boobtube" link.... Ya know, I thought the Fair Use act was supposed to prevent this sort of ****e. :/


It's okay. I managed to make it through all 3; the second gave me no trouble whatsoever (it probably figured that it better not after the way that the first acted). The first and third were the best, in my opinion


----------



## hallorenescene

rhc, they told me to catch them on utube. 
garth, the batman and robin one made me think....
i love lurch and the adams family. who was the girl who played the blonde in this skit. now that's good humor


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, the batman and robin one made me think....
> i love lurch and the adams family. who was the girl who played the blonde in this skit. now that's good humor


Thanks. So do I. Sorry, but I'm not sure who the woman was.


----------



## Dark Passenger

I spent too much time last night watching movie clips Benny Hill style on YouTube. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Terminator 2 ones were freaking hysterical, though I refrained from putting the latter on here because I believe an FBomb was dropped. If I get in trouble, I'd prefer to drop the big F myself, like in my car and grocery stores.

RHC, bravo to the Pegg Fest, and bravo to the Pegg encore, Garth! I must partake in a Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz night soon.

After watching so many episodes of the excellent Batman animated series from the 90s, and Batman Beyond, Justice League, and Justice League unlimited with my (not really mine) kids, they wouldn't believe me when I described what Batman once was on TV. I showed them pictures on my computer. Jaws hung open. The old B&R are horrifying, but in a funny way. And Lurch's grumbling was always the thing that made me laugh the most on the Addams family. As much as I love the Addams Family movies (with Christina Ricci), new Lurch wasn't as much fun. 

Here's an interesting way to deal with solicitors.


----------



## 22606

Thanks, DP. I love the old _Batman_ (it's an unintentional comedy). I spent lots of years watching the animated ones; those were great, and I still think that Mark Hamill makes the best Joker... Lurch is my favorite member of the Addams Family, partially for the reason that you said, with Cousin It being a close second

Haha. I may end up borrowing that idea the next time members of a religion come to the door attempting to talk me into converting or asking if I believe in their 'Higher Power' and why or why not


----------



## spiderqueen

Garthgoyle said:


>


This is so true. I love it.


----------



## Dark Passenger

Mark Hamill was great as the Joker, especially his laugh, but Heath Ledger's my favorite. He captured everything about that character perfectly. I'm still riveted by him when I watch The Dark Knight. I also love Kevin Conroy's Batman, but Bale's great too. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PI9HJ04c_U


----------



## 22606

That joke is amusing, tessme



spiderqueen said:


> This is so true. I love it.


Glad that you also enjoyed it, spiderqueen I just noticed that he is wearing an Ed Hardy shirt in the main, which now makes it even better to me, since I dealt with loads of those 
types

Dark Passenger, I forgot about that 'Joker Fish' ad. Hilarious, as are the V Day images


In honor of the huge sham that is Valentine's Day, my contributions


----------



## DarkManDustin

I posted an album called Random Humor, because Idk how to post pics into threads via the app.


----------



## 22606

Those are amusing, DarkManDustin. The cookie one is probably my favorite (it _does_ look PO'ed). Maxine is right on the money with the part about Washington


----------



## GhostTown

I had no idea you all were here having fun..... WITH OUT ME!!!!


----------



## 22606

GhostTown said:


> I had no idea you all were here having fun..... WITH OUT ME!!!!


The secret club has been infiltrated... Everyone, run!! Feel free to join in, GT


----------



## Dark Passenger

Your first Valentine's Day image sums up the holiday perfectly, Garth. I feel bad for guys on VD (heh, VD, that's not something to celebrate). I don't get why a guy needs to blow all his cash on expensive rocks to show that he cares 

I talked to one of my (not mine) kids on the phone yesterday, and she mentioned that her momster was going to have a VD (heh) celebration dinner tonight. My girl said, "It's soooo booorrrring." That's my girl.

I'll add this while I can still have time to make fun of VD (heh):

Simpsons Wiki: *Love Day* was a Summer holiday made up by Mr. Costington when he wanted to increase Summer sales to keep Costington's from falling into bankruptcy. The holiday was put together to scam people into buying Love-themed toys and gifts for no reason whatsoever. The scam turned out to be a success.










Here's the Kiss It and Make It Boogie O'Lantern








GhostTown, you're late, we've been waiting for your contribution to the jocularity Funny joke, tessme


----------



## GhostTown

For VD(heh) the Wiff and I ate cooked cabbage. It's gonna be a fun night in bed!!!!

Our thoughts on the commercialized pile of crap holiday?










We started Halloween tonight instead. In fact, she wore Halloween scrubs to work today.

I love her, she loves me. It has nothing to do with VD (heh).


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger said:


> Your first Valentine's Day image sums up the holiday perfectly, Garth. I feel bad for guys on VD (heh, VD, that's not something to celebrate). I don't get why a guy needs to blow all his cash on expensive rocks to show that he cares
> 
> Simpsons Wiki: *Love Day* was a Summer holiday made up by Mr. Costington when he wanted to increase Summer sales to keep Costington's from falling into bankruptcy. The holiday was put together to scam people into buying Love-themed toys and gifts for no reason whatsoever. The scam turned out to be a success.
> 
> View attachment 108539
> 
> 
> Here's the Kiss It and Make It Boogie O'Lantern
> View attachment 108540


Thanks. I also thought that it was truly fitting for VD (I'll join in with a "heh" of my own)

I don't remember that episode (sounds hilarious), but its 'holiday' appears to be very much like today's The 'kiss and boogie' JOL is incredibly amusing, too



GhostTown said:


> For VD(heh) the Wiff and I ate cooked cabbage. It's gonna be a fun night in bed!!!!
> 
> Our thoughts on the commercialized pile of crap holiday?


Why do I have the feeling that the cats will wind up with the blame?

You nailed it


----------



## hallorenescene

okay, i like vd day. and i think you guys all need a little loving. a big hug sort of thing.


----------



## Dark Passenger

Garth, that was from the Simpson's 200th episode, which had Steve Martin and U2 in it. Love Day happened at the beginning of the episode. Homer to Bart: Don't you ruin another Love Day!

GhostTown, you and your wife are the kind of couple that single Halloween fanatics (like me) hold up as the ideal couple we'd love to be like someday. Except for the cabbage part I guess that's the _worse_ part of the _for better_, _for worse_ vow.

Hallo, I'm glad you enjoy the holiday, and the heart is lovely. It reminds me of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Valentine's Day episode. Spike gives Drusilla jewelry. Then Angelus gives Drusilla a human heart, which she loves best. He says, "I found it in a quaint little shop girl." Classic


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> okay, i like vd day. and i think you guys all need a little loving. a big hug sort of thing.


Thanks, hallo. I love the large, dead eyes 



Dark Passenger said:


> Garth, that was from the Simpson's 200th episode, which had Steve Martin and U2 in it. Love Day happened at the beginning of the episode. Homer to Bart: Don't you ruin another Love Day!
> 
> GhostTown, you and your wife are the kind of couple that single Halloween fanatics (like me) hold up as the ideal couple we'd love to be like someday. Except for the cabbage part I guess that's the _worse_ part of the _for better_, _for worse_ vow.
> 
> Hallo, I'm glad you enjoy the holiday, and the heart is lovely. It reminds me of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Valentine's Day episode. Spike gives Drusilla jewelry. Then Angelus gives Drusilla a human heart, which she loves best. He says, "I found it in a quaint little shop girl." Classic


Back in 1998, huh? No wonder I don't remember it...

I've got to agree on both counts. Let's see if my math is correct: Cabbage = BAD? 

I used to love _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, as well as _Angel_. Spike was one of my favorite characters, and I'm surprised that line didn't come from him


----------



## GhostTown

Dark Passenger said:


> GhostTown, you and your wife are the kind of couple that single Halloween fanatics (like me) hold up as the ideal couple we'd love to be like someday. Except for the cabbage part I guess that's the _worse_ part of the _for better_, _for worse_ vow.episode.


We are kind of an odd couple. We find the over commercialization of anything a little sickening. Our wedding day consisted of us walking into the county courthouse and paying a judge 25 bucks to marry us. We told no one about it.  People spending $20 - 30 - 40 thousand on weddings.... for what? Send out 200 invitations telling people where we are registered for wedding gifts.... PUKE. I already had a toaster. I rebel against anything that SHOULD be special for one reason but is ruined by people trying to plunder every last dollar in your pocket. Thankfully...... the wife is on my side.

The problem is, like Charlie Brown and The Grinch, over commercialization is extremely difficult to avoid. Though, it doesn't mean that I must embrace it!


----------



## Dark Passenger

GhostTown, I feel the same way you and your wife do about weddings. I'd prefer fast, inexpensive, and without the embarrassment and guilt of receiving a mountain of gifts. It's crazy how much money is spent on weddings, and even worse than that, some brides and grooms seem to think that a wedding day is an excuse to act like a tool, if they weren't already tools. I'd forgive a lady for yelling at me if she were in the middle of giving birth, but if some bridezilla tried to pull that, I'd make her eat her bouquet. 

Here's a perfect example. 





Now to lighten things up with yummy sushi pajamas.





Oh, and Ronald McDonald is evil, so I'm glad a hamburglar messed him up


----------



## hallorenescene

ronald mcdonald isn't as evil as burger king. that king scares me to death


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger said:


> It's crazy how much money is spent on weddings, and even worse than that, some brides and grooms seem to think that a wedding day is an excuse to act like a tool, if they weren't already tools. I'd forgive a lady for yelling at me if she were in the middle of giving birth, but if some bridezilla tried to pull that, I'd make her eat her bouquet.


Particularly when so many don't last...

If her marriage doesn't work out, I could always set her up with the neighbor's son, since he can't pull of a single sentence without dropping an F-bomb (generally more than one)

That _Buffy_ scene was great



hallorenescene said:


> ronald mcdonald isn't as evil as burger king. that king scares me to death


Ha. My mom would tend to agree


"Heeeere Cooookiiiieee!!!"









Yes, this _is_ a real film


----------



## Dark Passenger

All right, Hallo, you've got a point, the Burger King is a creepy son of a gun. Can you imagine Ronald McDonald and the Burger King together?

LMAO at Cookie Monster, and Gary Busey At this point, is it mean to laugh at Gary Busey, because I can't help myself?


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger said:


> LMAO at Cookie Monster, and Gary Busey At this point, is it mean to laugh at Gary Busey, because I can't help myself?


If it is, I'm cruel, too

Those are amusing I know that the first is from _The Far Side_. Is the second _Calvin and Hobbes_?


----------



## Dark Passenger

Yes, Calvin was the one behind the snow massacre

For some reason, seeing Edgar Allan Pooh makes me want to reread Poe, whereas the trailer for The Raven doesn't. 

Ah, primate youths come with built-in child leashes, perfect for parents who are lazy, or looking for convenient ways to humiliate their children in public


----------



## 22606

Ha. Love the last one in particular, DP


----------



## 22606

The true inspiration for _Angry Birds_...











A man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too!!"


----------



## 22606

Even primitives enjoyed _Sesame Street_.



















Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. 

One day, the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" 

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April. The teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep. 

A while later, the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April, and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back to sleep. 

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time, April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" 

The teacher fainted.


----------



## hallorenescene

some good ones you guys.


----------



## mickeybrown

Are they your cats? Can I have them.


----------



## Dark Passenger

Little April, such a smart girl 

Seeing Bert reminded me of this.








This is one of my favorite pranks ever.








Sums up some of my feelings about Dexter, especially on days when I've spent time in public.


----------



## 22606

Love those, DP. I remember the zombie one being in the headlines before 







Since you didn't get to smack the badgers in the other video, hallo, here you go


----------



## hallorenescene

thanks, but now i want to smack those flying squirrels too. lol.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> thanks, but now i want to smack those flying squirrels too. lol.


Haha. Okay, I'll spare you any more videos for now 











"You've heard the Jimmy Hoffa theories, right? Well, keep it up..."


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, you can post your videos, i won't smack you.


----------



## Dark Passenger

I know the song said that pandas and cucumbers are enemies, but they looked like the exact opposite of enemies in that shot


I haven't seen this movie in years, but this scene reminds me of why I liked it.


----------



## hallorenescene

i don't think i ever saw that movie. but it looked good


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger said:


> I know the song said that pandas and cucumbers are enemies, but they looked like the exact opposite of enemies in that shot
> 
> I haven't seen this movie in years, but this scene reminds me of why I liked it.


Watching it again, I can see what you mean

I'd never heard of that film until now. Hilarious clip, DP


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that first one is good. scared the crap out of me. do they really scream like that? it was no dummy, it went after the source. did they get bit? i don't like those kind of monsters. good clip though.
that dog is too funny. and oh my what big teeth he had.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, that first one is good. scared the crap out of me. do they really scream like that?


Highly doubtful


----------



## spiderqueen

I don't know if this actually counts as humor, but it certainly gave me a chuckle. The Great Value (Walmart brand) knock-off of _I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!_


----------



## Dark Passenger

I'm glad you enjoyed the ballet, Hallo and Garth

That definitely counts as humor, spiderqueen. I hear an 80s valley girl type voice in my head while reading the label. It's also amusing that there's a big "butt" on the label. 

That chameleon and dog are adorable. My dog snores, makes squeaky noises in his sleep, and his paws move as if he's dreaming he's chasing something.


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones dp. especially the first 2.
sq, good one on walmart


----------



## 22606

spiderqueen said:


> I don't know if this actually counts as humor, but it certainly gave me a chuckle. The Great Value (Walmart brand) knock-off of _I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!_


How could you doubt the comedy value of your find for even a single second? That's hilarious, spiderqueen. 



Dark Passenger said:


> I'm glad you enjoyed the ballet, Hallo and Garth
> 
> That chameleon and dog are adorable. My dog snores, makes squeaky noises in his sleep, and his paws move as if he's dreaming he's chasing something.


Much more than any real one, I'm sure...

My mom's dog does the same, sometimes having her tongue sticking out as she does so (the geriatric mutt looks like she's dead half the time).

I love the mop one


From Wikipedia, the _many_confused other competitors in the imitation butter battle:

"Butter It's Not!", a Kroger and Fred Meyer brand
"Isn't It Butter?", a Food Lion brand
"What, Not Butter!", by Matthews Foods, which lost a trademark dispute with Unilever
"Could it be Butter?", a Gold-n-Soft brand
"You'd Butter Believe It", an Asda brand
"You'd Think It's Butter!", an H-E-B brand
"Unbelieveable [sic] This is not butter", a Taiwanese brand
"Not Butter But Better", an Irish brand
"Tastes Like Butter", an Aldi brand
"Is it Butter?", a Spartan Stores brand
"Utterly Butterly", a Dairy Crest brand
"Better By Far", a Morrisons brand
"This is not Butter. It's Butterific!", an Albertson's brand
"Wow! Not butter!", a Canadian brand


----------



## 22606

George Washington-faced McNugget found by woman: http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sidesho...-her-chicken-mcnugget-ebay-she-213957054.html. What do you think? To me, it looks more like Swamp Thing


----------



## hallorenescene

i think it looks like the wind god. so does she have any bids?


----------



## Dark Passenger

It looked more like a Lincoln McNugget to me. I'm really sad that there are people out there who want to buy it, and are willing to pay over $300 (so far).




















Lauren Caitlin Upton – Miss Teen South Carolina
Response to why 1/5 Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a map: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann. 

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
—Albert Einstein


----------



## hallorenescene

are you serious? they have a $300.00 bid? i saw where a guy had some undies for sale. he said he went fishing and snagged them off a mermaid. they looked like target brand undies. if he snagged them off a mermaid, would they have two leg holes? and there were bids.
dp, those are some good ones. the first one sounds like some of our politicians answers. lol.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> i saw where a guy had some undies for sale. he said he went fishing and snagged them off a mermaid. they looked like target brand undies. if he snagged them off a mermaid, would they have two leg holes? and there were bids.


Hahaha. You make a very valid point there...

Those are wonderful, DP


Some 'Bushisms':

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." --George W. Bush, on liquidity in the markets, Alexandria, La., Oct. 20, 2008

"I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

"I've been in the Bible every day since I've been the president." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 12, 2008

"Yesterday, you made note of my -- the lack of my talent when it came to dancing. But nevertheless, I want you to know I danced with joy. And no question Liberia has gone through very difficult times." --George W. Bush, speaking with the president of Liberia, Washington, D.C., Oct. 22, 2008


----------



## DarkManDustin

Cookie Monster's worst nightmare


----------



## Dark Passenger

Poor Cookie Monster

All right, Bushisms! Here we go: 

"They misunderestimated me."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

"Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican."

"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again."

And here are some Palinisms: 

“I don’t know if I should Buenos Aires or Bonjour, or… this is such a melting pot. This is beautiful. I love the diversity. Yeah. There were a whole bunch of guys named Tony in the photo line, I know that.”

"I didn't really had a good answer, as so often -- is me."

"Polls are for strippers and cross-country skiers"


----------



## Laurie S.

Well, now that I have snorted coffee through my nose, I'd say this morning is off to a very fine start. 


Hmmm...I'm thinking McDonald's for lunch after church today.


----------



## Laurie S.

*Sigh*...I guess.


----------



## 22606

The latest additions are great 


"Welcome to Droolsville, USA..."


----------



## Laurie S.

That Old Spice guy is awesome! He's in The Expendables as well...he kinda scares me. 

While in the bathroom the other day, I noticed that the kids' deodorant sticks have "Contains odor-fighting 'atomic robots' that 'shoot lasers' at your 'stench monsters' and replaces them with fresh, clean, masculine 'scent elves.'

Seriously-I want some of what the Old Spice folks are having.


----------



## spiderqueen

WHAT? Please tell me they didn't permanently replace The Man Your Man Could Smell Like!!!


----------



## 22606

Laurie S. said:


> That Old Spice guy is awesome! He's in The Expendables as well...he kinda scares me.
> 
> While in the bathroom the other day, I noticed that the kids' deodorant sticks have "Contains odor-fighting 'atomic robots' that 'shoot lasers' at your 'stench monsters' and replaces them with fresh, clean, masculine 'scent elves.'
> 
> Seriously-I want some of what the Old Spice folks are having.


Wasn't he also in _White Chicks_, with the Wayans brothers?

That is hilarious. 

I'd like some, too... I could use a pick-me-up to begin with



spiderqueen said:


> WHAT? Please tell me they didn't permanently replace The Man Your Man Could Smell Like!!!


That would be a terrible decision, but I wouldn't put it past them


----------



## Dark Passenger

The _Let Them Live _sign is a tough one. Jerk bicyclists are the people I want to run over the most, and there are oh so many wannabe, self-important Armstrong's around these parts The next time one of them flips me off when they've broken traffic laws, I might not be responsible for my actions. That goes for the next idiot who crosses the street in front of me while talking/texting and walking slow as can be. Now I need an easy target.


----------



## Laurie S.

I suspect that one of those Moms may have gotten too excited over Breaking Dawn part one:


----------



## 22606

Hahaha. Those are great! The first is _so_ true, too


----------



## Laurie S.

You know, all goofiness and glitter aside though, Edward really does say some ridiculously beautiful things to Bella. Yeah, I said it. 

(I'm at work right now, and my student just challenged me to a sword fight, for real. He's six.)


----------



## 22606

Laurie S. said:


> You know, all goofiness and glitter aside though, Edward really does say some ridiculously beautiful things to Bella. Yeah, I said it.
> 
> (I'm at work right now, and my student just challenged me to a sword fight, for real. He's six.)


Heh. I've never made it past the forest scene in the first film

Kick his twerpy little arse


These are from an upcoming toy line


----------



## DarkManDustin

Here are some.


----------



## DarkManDustin

*2 more pics*

2 more pics


----------



## DarkManDustin

Laurie S. said:


> Well, now that I have snorted coffee through my nose, I'd say this morning is off to a very fine start.
> 
> 
> Hmmm...I'm thinking McDonald's for lunch after church today.
> 
> View attachment 109211
> 
> 
> View attachment 109212


There was a funny rhyme when I was a kid. "McDonald's is my favorite place. They throw ketchup in your face!"


----------



## Dark Passenger

All the Twilight mockery warms my black heart. Garth, you think trying to watch one of the movies is bad, I read the first chapter of the book. Yikes. Yikes infinity. DarkManDustin, I love that Snape picture, his expression is priceless. Laurie S., don't get me started on creepy old Sparkly Butt. Well, okay, maybe one more swipe before I change targets









All right, moving on. Probably.


----------



## 22606

DarkManDustin said:


> There was a funny rhyme when I was a kid. "McDonald's is my favorite place. They throw ketchup in your face!"


You're telling us that the exploding ketchup packets weren't _meant_ to do that?


DP, I agree with you about the handicapped parking spots, for sure...

Is that supposed to be Sarah Connor (_Terminator_) in the last, with the castle? I could only think of her or Palin If I'm wrong, feel free to smack me


"What the @*$#?!"









Is it a panda? Is it a cat?


----------



## Laurie S.

I'm pretty sure the dog is trying to tell you that...


----------



## Laurie S.

Meanwhile...









So, so sad. It will never stop until we are DEAD!


----------



## Laurie S.

No winners.


----------



## 22606

Hehehe. Those are all great, Laurie


----------



## Dark Passenger

Aw, the WTF? dog looks like an Alaskan Klee Kai, the same breed as my boy, except my boy never gets a WTF? look on his face. He's more of a I'M SO FREAKING HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY! kind of dog, which has led my brother to say, "You guys are completely opposite." Smart fellow, my brother.

Garth, the Sarah in question is from Labyrinth. If you haven't seen Labyrinth, shame on you

The last picture you posted is most frightening, Laurie S., due to the audience lurking in the background. Oh well, their embarrassment is our gain Now, for our featured clips, which I know you will love, Laurie.

I think I'd cry in this situation, but from horror.





One of my favorites.





I love Masuka's laugh; it always makes me laugh


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger said:


> Aw, the WTF? dog looks like an Alaskan Klee Kai, the same breed as my boy, except my boy never gets a WTF? look on his face. He's more of a I'M SO FREAKING HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY! kind of dog, which has led my brother to say, "You guys are completely opposite." Smart fellow, my brother.
> 
> Garth, the Sarah in question is from Labyrinth. If you haven't seen Labyrinth, shame on you


Ha. My mom's dog grumbles quite a bit, so she and I are on the same page

Thanks for clarifying, DP. I did, but it was seemingly eons ago

Those Dexer clips are very amusing


A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" 
The boy replied, "What turkey?" 
"That turkey you're carrying under your arm," the game warden spoke.
The boy looks down and responded, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" 
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?" 
The little boy replied, "I guess I'll just kiss his @ss and let him go!"


----------



## Laurie S.

HA! Clever boy. 


Ahhhh, Dexter...I could watch him for hours on end. Every day.  One of my favorite scenes from the show is when he imagines the scenarios of telling Deb that he is the Bay Harbor Butcher. MAN, that clip cracks me up!! But alas, since Deborah is involved, undoubtedly the f-bomb is dropped, so I can't share that video here. I'll just watch it from a new tab.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Cat scared near pool. http://www.break.com/index/cat-scared-by-pool-2062193

There was this fisherman who'd always come back to land with a bounty of fish. The game warden caught wind of it and decided to check it out. He went in normal clothes, and met him at the docks. "Sir," he said, " how do you come back w/so many fish?" "Wanna go with me and see?" asked the fisherman. They got in the boat. The fisherman had no tackle or rod. They find a spot, and the fisherman pulls a stick of dynamite and a lighter from under his seat. He lights the TNT and throws in into the water. BOOM! The fish come up. The game warden says, "I'm a game warden, and you're under arrest". The fisherman grabs another, lights it, and tossed it to the game warden, saying, " Well, are you gonna sit there with it, or go fishing?"

A man rushes home thru the snowy streets of Chicago. He was getting ready to go to the beach in Florida. His wife, who.was on a business trip, was gonna meet him the day after he arrives. He gets to his room in Florida, and decides to send his wife an email. He appearantly misspelled it. The email reached a widow. She read it, screamed, and fainted. This is what the email said. " Dearest wife: Everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow. Ps, it sure is hot down here.


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, even my grandson was laughing at youir videos. good ones you guys


----------



## Dark Passenger

Great jokes, Garth and DarkManDustin

I loved the imagined scenarios with Deb, too, Laurie S., but her f-bombs are exactly why I didn't pick that clip. With Deb, it's always f-bombs, and f-bombs launched with blasphemy, and a mother proceeding the bomb, and objects having to do with f-bombs, and behavior with the objects that has something to do with f-bombs. . . .

I could get away with posting a Debra clip if she talked like this.


----------



## Dark Passenger

Your grandson has great taste, Hallo


----------



## 22606

I'm glad that everyone is enjoying this thread. Great contributions, Dark Passenger and DarkManDustin













Some of these are hilarious: http://photos.ellen.warnerbros.com/galleries/bad_paid_for_photos


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones garth, but what's wrong with a handshake? a pat on the back? a thank you? lol


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> good ones garth, but what's wrong with a handshake? a pat on the back? a thank you? lol


Thanks. If _you_ busted your behind to save someone, risking _your_ life in the process, wouldn't you want _at least_ a kiss in return?


----------



## hallorenescene

so when johnson saves your life, go for it. or maybe a thank you is good enough.


----------



## Dark Passenger

I'm no Family Guy fan, but those were good clips I'm with Princess Peach on rescue etiquette. Poor thing didn't deserve to get her head bitten off, literally, for refusing a kiss. I like to think that she came back, thanks to the extra lives she'd saved up


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> so when johnson saves your life, go for it. or maybe a thank you is good enough.


Haha. If he ever does, I will take him in my arms and give him one heck of a smackaroo

That clip was comical, DP


----------



## hallorenescene

although i love twilight and werewolves, that clip was really funny.


----------



## 22606

If anyone else is a fan of _Futurama_, you will love this... According to the hacker-altered poll, one of the characters may be our next President http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/technol...ion-names-drunken-robot-winner-222831053.html


----------



## Dark Passenger

Hmm. Either I didn't actually click the post button for the post I contributed last night, or it was deleted. I'm really hoping it's the former, not the latter. My mockery of the sparkly series, which I decided I'd join in on since it was brought up again, is no worse than what I've read others write about various subjects they don't like on threads, and it can't be worse than the rape joke that's on this thread (I like the joke, Garth, I'm just trying to make a point here, if one is in order). Okay, so, here we go again, but I guess I won't comment this time.


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger said:


> My mockery of the sparkly series, which I decided I'd join in on since it was brought up again, is no worse than what I've read others write about various subjects they don't like on threads, and it can't be worse than the rape joke that's on this thread (I like the joke, Garth, I'm just trying to make a point here, if one is in order). Okay, so, here we go again, but I guess I won't comment this time.


I know what you mean, and my sense of humor _is_ more than a bit warped at times No offense taken, DP It's too bad that your comment/post didn't show.

Great comparison in the first one I like the 'Team Literature' shirt that the girl is wearing in the second, since that's what it _should_ be; in my opinion, it's ignorant to place so much emphasis on imaginary characters that they become elevated to god-like status. 

Poor Harry must _really_ hate sparkly vamps











Judging by _that_ look, this train is likely now transporting more than just coal...


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Here's a laugh from just last night here at The Ravens Grin Inn, a haunted, haunted house in Mount Carroll. Illinois OPEN almost Every Night (of the year)
It was a family of Dad, Mom , 12 yr. old Daughter and 5? yr. old Son.
There were some concerns on my part that the little boy might become too scared, he and Mom were the first time visitors.
I do more of a comedy routine here anyway but I did more for this audience, explaining that I really don't want to terrorize anyone, give them phobias, bad dreams or make them poop their pants in front of their friends. ("Bad Show") in my opinion.
Then I subjected them to my new fear experiment which caused laughter as the silly device made itself known with it's flashing lights from the anticipatory darkness and tension.(Got to create that anticipation!)
Then I put a small remote control into the boy's hand, he pushed the small button and it "made" Dad fart!
We walked into the second room, the kitchen and I was about to show them my pet dog when I noticed the cage door was slightly open and he was gone!
"Oh, No! He's a large grey-wolf-looking dog, with pale blue eyes, he has big teeth... and... he's Invisible!" Playing this for the Boy, of course.
A short while later Mom opened a small door in the wall and screamed, then berated herself saying, "And I'm the adult!"
So I Had to explain that I have scared a great number of all kinds of people with the set up that scared her, including some haunted houses owners who calmly told me "Nobody can scare me." just before they flailed arms in the air and said the excited jibberish of fear and confusion!
It is not "what" you scare somebody with but "how". The main item here was given to me because another haunter couldn't figure out what to do with it, but with my set up, I have managed to make it quite scary and memorable. (and it is nothing gory or bloody or really even odd, it doesn't move on it's own it is a cardboard cut out of a beautiful woman!)
There's everyone's Laugh for this morning! All True.


----------



## 22606

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> It is not "what" you scare somebody with but "how". The main item here was given to me because another haunter couldn't figure out what to do with it, but with my set up, I have managed to make it quite scary and memorable. (and it is nothing gory or bloody or really even odd, it doesn't move on it's own it is a cardboard cut out of a beautiful woman!) There's everyone's Laugh for this morning! All True.


Amusing 

On that note...


----------



## hallorenescene

to funny you guys. all of you.


----------



## Dark Passenger

The boy on the train is great

I love that in the second Family Guy clip, you can hear the girl who made the video singing along a couple times.

I laughed way too hard at these videos, but it felt damn good.


----------



## 22606

Those are hilarious, Dark Passenger


----------



## hallorenescene

the home improvements one kills me every time


----------



## Dark Passenger

That Home Improvement lady's look was as powerful as. . .


----------



## 22606

Very amusing, DP

The Joker's latest victims?


----------



## 22606

Remember that 'George Washington' McNugget on eBay the other week? Well, it sold... and for a ridiculous amount

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sidesho...d-chicken-mcnugget-sells-8-100-215736625.html


----------



## hallorenescene

so i thought it was cool, couldn't help myself. now, if you all just send me a $1.00, i'll let you all have a bite out of it. lol.


----------



## Raven's Hollow Cemetery

Umm, what happened? I was subbed to this thread, and didn't know it was still getting posts... I've been missing the funnies! :S 


Garth, I'm not sure whether to be appalled at the stupidity of people for even bidding on something like that (much less, paying THAT much for it), or just laugh at the whole thing and hope I run across some suckers like them! 


Idk, but I couldn't get this image out of my head while reading that article...


----------



## Dark Passenger

This is how I want to react when I think about someone having $8,000 dollars to spend on useless crap:






When I read about a Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese sandwich selling for $28,000 dollars, I wanted to do this:


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> now, if you all just send me a $1.00, i'll let you all have a bite out of it. lol.


Mmmmm, nummy(?)



Raven's Hollow Cemetery said:


> Umm, what happened? I was subbed to this thread, and didn't know it was still getting posts... I've been missing the funnies! :S
> 
> 
> Garth, I'm not sure whether to be appalled at the stupidity of people for even bidding on something like that (much less, paying THAT much for it), or just laugh at the whole thing and hope I run across some suckers like them!
> 
> Idk, but I couldn't get this image out of my head while reading that article...


I was wondering

Right, I know

Those are great, RHC



Dark Passenger said:


> This is how I want to react when I think about someone having $8,000 dollars to spend on useless crap:
> 
> When I read about a Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese sandwich selling for $28,000 dollars, I wanted to do this:


I hear you... and I probably _would_ if you screamed like the girl in the second clip, DP


----------



## Dark Passenger

Heh, White Chicks

Breedism? _Breedism_? I'm pushing my hair back so my hand makes the proper sound when it hits my forehead

I found this satisfying because I love the first two Spiderman movies, and loathe the third.


----------



## 22606

That had me cracking up, Dark Passenger. The person did some great editing...


----------



## Dark Passenger

I loved Freakazoid

Random humor is one of the reasons I love Sailor Moon


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger, those are funny as heck. The first, especially, really had me cracking up


----------



## hallorenescene

i think the black guy is fun, but that chick, ouch


----------



## Dark Passenger

That was awesome, Garth The guy who played the Terminator had Ahnuld down pat. I know enough about religion not to feel sorry for Judas getting shot three times


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger said:


> That was awesome, Garth The guy who played the Terminator had Ahnuld down pat. I know enough about religion not to feel sorry for Judas getting shot three times


Thanks. I thought so, too I won't even start on my feelings regarding religion...

"Oh, God... Oh, man... Oh, God!! Oh, man!! OH, GOD!!!" Hahaha. That video was great, DP


----------



## Dark Passenger

"I know this is only our second da—I love you! Be with me!"
"Let's see, you had the Big Mac, that's $2.00."
"Sorry I'm late, me and the wife just had a big fight."
ROFL Hysterical clip. 


I would've watched this movie had it been this good.





Inappropriateness just appealed to me more than usual today.


----------



## 22606

Wonderful choices, DP. I think that I laughed all the way through the first one...


----------



## Dark Passenger

Thanks to whoever made that Harry Potter spoof for showing that the idea of pairing Harry and Hermione is laughable


----------



## 22606

Heh. Good points Maybe zombies get bored, too; that's my reasoning for the lawns being maintained


Hair 'art' (I use the term loosely):


----------



## Dark Passenger

Imagine the damage done to the environment because of all the Aqua Net it took to make that elephant I can't figure out why the first one repulses me so. I love rats, yet that hair rat, if that is indeed the creature that guy intended, grosses me out. The second one's fun, but not so fun that I'd want to have it permanently. 

My latest contributions to inappropriate humor:











I highly recommend searching _inappropriate laugh track_ on youtube and watching _The Silence of the Lambs_ and _Seven_ clips I couldn't include them here because of the language.


----------



## 22606

Very comical, DP


----------



## Dark Passenger

I love inappropriate laugh tracks Some of that scene is funny on its own.







I saw my younger brother last week, and he said he wanted to show me what his girlfriend got him for Valentine's Day. I wanted to roll my eyes, until he showed me the present:















Yes, it's a heart-shaped box of plush STDs and, of course, plush penicillin. I really like that girl


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger said:


> I love inappropriate laugh tracks Some of that scene is funny on its own.
> 
> I saw my younger brother last week, and he said he wanted to show me what his girlfriend got him for Valentine's Day. I wanted to roll my eyes, until he showed me the present:
> 
> Yes, it's a heart-shaped box of plush STDs and, of course, plush penicillin. I really like that girl


I've got to agree. Nicholson's facial expressions are hilarious in parts

That video is great, DP

Well, it _is_ shortened to VD after all... Freaking hilarious, and I'm glad that she has got a good sense of humor.


One of the headlines from yesterday on Yahoo: "Man suing Apple claims Siri isn't awesome enough for him." This buffoon is taking them to court over the iPhone4's 'personal digital assistant' not living up to his expectations and requiring more work to operate than the commercials make it seem... Next time I'm not impressed with the toasting of my sub, Jared will be seeing me in court

More sarcastic blurbs:

*2010 Recovery Stats: Top 1% Got 93% of Recovery*
According to Cayman Islands officials.

*Consumer Confidence at Four-Year High*
But they still can't afford to buy anything.

*Study: LSD Can Help Treat Alcoholism*
And a few stiff drinks can stop the hallucinations.


----------



## Dark Passenger

I so hate A-holes who abuse the legal system with their pathetic lawsuits, like the idiot who sued McDonald's because she spilled coffee on herself and it burned her. She sued because the coffee was hot. Hot coffee. Imagine that

So, somebody's study showed that using drugs can help with a drinking problem Yeah, probably by creating a much greater addiction to drugs, thereby distracting the addict from alcohol. 

Straight from my bookshelf, here are some definitions taken from The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm:

Advertisement: A medium through which people who truly care about your welfare (and not all about money) provide you with helpful, extremely subtle reminders that your bad breath, body odor, cell phone provider, and make of car all have to go.

Cruise, Tom: an outwardly attractive but possibly malevolent alien being, cleverly sent to earth in the form of a movie star of the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries. We simply await the day when he rips off his face to reveal the insect-like intruder within while emitting a deafening , Body Snatchers-like howl. With this, he will summon the forces of his home planet and lead them in vanquishing the ungrateful humans who have ridiculed hi for so many years.

Forgive: to cease assigning blame or anger to another in a given situation. Absolutely far less fun than holding on to bitter resentment for a lifetime and taking your righteous fury to the grave.

OMG: An acronym that could actually be the phrase it is meant to indicate by simply adding all four damn letters.


And I have to do this just one more time. VD, heh


----------



## 22606

Amusing definitions, DP I can believe the one about Tom Cruise...











Nananananana, Batbear









A message to today's youth:


----------



## Dark Passenger

Ray Charles

Aww, I want to hug Batbear Then I'd die from the wounds

I love the gangster photo. I saw a kid the other day with sagging pants, and just in the short time that I waited at a stoplight, he had to pull them up to keep them from hitting ankles. How freaking annoying it would be to have to pull up your pants 500 times a day What an odd way to try to look cool.

And now, New Rules, taken from Bill Maher.

New Rule (AARP Yours): Stop f%$#@# with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle—it's square, with a bigger label, and the top in now the bottom. And by the time Grandpa figures out how to open it, his @$% will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you've just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule (Hallowed Grounds): Stop telling me not to talk to you until you've had your coffee, you pathetic junkie. In fact, I'll make a deal with you: I won't talk to you before you've had your coffee if you won't talk to me after you've had your coffee.

New Rule (Bargain Bins): No, it's not okay if you buy my coffin at Costco. That's right, Costco is now selling reasonably priced caskets—aisle seven, between the Metamucil and the adult diapers. But in doing so, they're depriving us of one of the most critical stages of the grieving process—getting screwed out of four grand by a sleazy funeral home director. Plus, making your kids pay through the nose when you die is often the only payback for that "tuition money" they spent on beer.

New Rule (Name Dropping): Stop leaving messages on my answering machine saying, "It's me." I already have a "me" in my life—me. And frankly, if we were that close, I'd have given you the number of the phone that I answer.


----------



## 22606

Hehheh. Those are lovely


"Anyone up for a game of Dominos?"


----------



## Dark Passenger

I'd say I hope those domino people did that for a world record or something, but that's kind of a waste of time too To each his own, I suppose.

That puppy must be darn tired to not pick up on the surrounding feast. Cute little guy

First, humor based an on my mood of late.

































And now, I present material for juvenile yet satisfying snickering.


----------



## 22606

As of late, huh? That is nearly _always_ my mood

Love your additions, particularly the penguin I got a laugh out of all, though


----------



## Dark Passenger

Wow, that guy is creepy, the wig in particular Those poor dogs.

I have to agree with the cute critter. I'm disgusted too. I won't elaborate on what exactly in the world disgusts me; that would take a while


----------



## 22606

Ha. Those are great, DP


----------



## Dark Passenger

Heh, I'm sure that's what my dog thinks when I sing in the car

Yes, Wiggles, please, bring on that chloroform, but save some for me

What an accurate assessment of the sexes, leaving both sides embarrassed

Since The Walking Dead ended tonight. . .


----------



## 22606

Hehehe. Wonderful


----------



## Dark Passenger

LOL, love those The way Hollywood's going with its original idea shortage, I wouldn't be surprised to see old Georgy killing zombies in a movie trailer soon. It would be a helluva lot more interesting than most of the crap that's made


----------



## 22606

Lovely contributions, DP


----------



## Dark Passenger

LOL, at least dumb people are good for laughs. And ducks are so damn stubborn about getting the help they need. 

Tonight, words of wisdom from Mr. George Carlin. No, none of them are the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television." 

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? 

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. 

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? 

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” 

“No comment” is a comment.


----------



## hallorenescene

those are some good ones guys. keep the humor rolling


----------



## 22606

Heh. Great quotes (I liked George Carlin, too).


More from Mr. Carlin:

_Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?_


----------



## 22606

An update of _Hungry Hungry Hippos_?


















"We'll make asses out of you all." - For some reason, the Army's original slogan didn't catch on


----------



## 22606

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then, he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."


----------



## 22606

When superheroes fall...


----------



## 22606

I found this obituary hilarious. A quote taken from the article: "A Denver Broncos fan died on Monday, before he had to see his beloved team sign one of his least favorite players." He got his final wish, apparently

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-s...ed-die-broncos-acquired-peyton-230608456.html


----------



## Dark Passenger

Love all those, Garth Poor Flash. He was never as great of a hero as his super friends, and now look at him.

I didn't have to resort to such tactics for my brother's and my midnight tickets. 








They weren't kidding


----------



## hallorenescene

dark passenger, good ones
garth, let's put the super heros back to work. they could clean my house


----------



## 22606

Those are marvelous, DP. I loved the _Scream_ one, especially

Great idea, hallo. The Flash would be best for that task











"Spide-rigor-mortis setting in..."


----------



## Dark Passenger

Spidey's drinking until he forgets about his third movie, his musical, and his franchise getting rebooted way too soon


----------



## 22606

Funny as heck, DP


----------



## Dark Passenger

Aw, heartwarming Mortal Kombat


In these next two videos, the laughing people made me laugh harder than what they laughed at. For the record, I hate that I used _laugh_ in different forms three times in one sentence, but it worked better for me than switching from _laughing_ to _guffawed_ to _giggled_. Thesaurus abuse is an ugly thing.


----------



## 22606

Amusing, Dark Passenger. I love this part: "You know, long after we're gone, they're still going to be discussing that..." In the second, the wobble before the model falling again was great, as was the anchorman's reaction to it all


----------



## 22606

Wow!! Look at the size of _that_ jackpot...









"Actually, I think that I'm good, thanks."


----------



## Dark Passenger

Oh wow, visitors to the Great Wall should be warned to take it easy on coffee and bran muffins before they visit


----------



## Gatordave

Dark, I hate to reveal my inner geek youth, but thought Flash was pretty cool in his day and had a pretty neat super power. Don't forget, one of his peers was Wonder Woman. Her powers were pretty lame. An invisible jet - not really a power per se and I would think if any pilot could find it they could fly it. Not sure how that helped her fight crime than say something crazy like a visible jet. Also, don't forget her golden lasso that made you tell the truth. Quite a key power there.....truth telling....almost right up there with super strength or the ability to fly. I was always waiting for one of the bad guys to say the real truth they were probably thinking..."you've got great boobs".....but I digress....


----------



## 22606

DP, those are hilarious. I am not going to even ask about the last one...

Gatordave, I've got to agree with you about nearly everything. Regarding Flash, though - Is he _always_ that fast? 'Millisecond man' comes to mind


"Joker is easier to handle, I swear..."









"Wow, guys, that was some good sheeite!!"


----------



## hallorenescene

okay guys, i like super heros too. even flash and wonder women. it's just all fun. some really good jokes though.


----------



## Dark Passenger

Gatordave, I liked Flash in the Justice League and JL Unlimited shows; he was voiced by the guy who played Lex Luther on Smallville. See, don't feel bad about your youth-geek reveal, I'm still into superheroes, especially Batman. I don't care how old I get, as long as I enjoy them, I'm watching them

Garth, what would be even harder for Batman to deal with than children and the Joker? The children's parents

Hallo, superheroes are fun. Except for Aquaman


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, whats wrong with aquaman, you afraid of the water? 
yeah, the kids parents for sure


----------



## 22606

Haha. Love those, DP












Sorry, Dark Passenger, but I must agree with hallo. Despite his shortcomings, Aquaman is generally _still_ more useful than Robin


----------



## 22606

The Seven Dwarfs were all in bed feeling Happy... then he got out, so they felt Grumpy instead.


Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. 

After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos, but the clerk said that they were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".


----------



## hallorenescene

cute jokes garth


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo


----------



## hallorenescene

whow, a mad dog, a working dog, and so that's what a drinking dog looks like


----------



## Dark Passenger

Sorry guys, I still hate Aquaman Yes, I prefer Robin, but the Tim Drake Robin that had (and maybe still has) a comic book. If we're talking about the Batman and Robin movie Robin, then I see your point.


----------



## 22606

Those are both great. I was cracking up, DP


----------



## Dark Passenger

The following pictures are probably similar to what I looked like while watching the Toby Keith video:


----------



## hallorenescene

dark passenger, those are the funniest you have posted.


----------



## 22606

Amusing, DP, _especially_ the second one Red is the best


----------



## Dark Passenger

I'm glad you enjoyed those, Hallo

I love that scene, Garth Hyde and the Twinkie's my favorite part.



In honor of the start of the baseball season.


----------



## hallorenescene

woot woot woot for that caught ball. loved it.


----------



## 22606

Geez... That girl in the first likely masqureades as a superhero every night


----------



## hallorenescene

haha, good ones garth


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo.

"Crap!! If this kid doesn't stop it soon, the hold-up at the bank is going to have to wait until tomorrow..."


----------



## Dark Passenger

Holy crap, I don't blame that kid for crying Happy Easter, kid, prepare to die









I hate almost everything about Nickelodeon's cartoons—I don't think I'll ever block out the horrid memories of when I was forced to go see The Rugrats Movie with a daycare I worked at—but Ren and Stimpy was pure awesomeness.


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## DarkManDustin

Check this out. Dance attack, or scare dancing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejU_FsgqzXk&feature=youtube_gdata_player


----------



## Gatordave

Darkman, apparently we grew up in the same vicinity - I remember that McDonalds song from my youth. Amazing how word spread before the internet.



DarkManDustin said:


> There was a funny rhyme when I was a kid. "McDonald's is my favorite place. They throw ketchup in your face!"


----------



## 22606

Those were great, DP I used to love that show, too.

Such a precious little bunny, hallo I think that he's already had enough Peeps...

Dustin, wonderful contribution


"The mask was a bit too creepy..."


----------



## Dark Passenger

I like the masked bunny better

One more Easter contribution: 






Bonus Bugs:


----------



## 22606

I used to love watching _Looney Tunes_ in the mornings before going to school. Great clips, DP

This was always one of my favorite scenes:


----------



## Dark Passenger

LOL, long live Bugs Bunny


----------



## 22606

Hilarious, DP


"You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the duct tape."

"******* murders are hard to solve. All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records."

"A new ******* law was recently passed: When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins."


----------



## Dark Passenger

Yep, ******* greeting cards have phrases on them like, "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad." 


A decent collection of Buffy quotes:






Spike and Angel:


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, your jokes had me chuckling
good ones dp. buffy was always cheesy, but i liked it


----------



## 22606

I loved both of those shows, and Spike was always one of my favorites A few quotes of his:

"I know I'm not the first choice for heroics. And Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And I don't fancy a single one of you at all but... actually, all that sounds pretty convincing."

"I like my plan better. Get up, get out, get drunk. Repeat as needed." 

"Ahhhh, my head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. Ah... God... I wish I was dead."


----------



## Dark Passenger

Okay, Garth, when you posted that last picture of Buffy, you had to know this brilliant video was coming:


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, i got to say that was pretty dang good.


----------



## 22606

That was amazing!! I give the creator mad props, since it had to have taken _ages_ to get them to work in tandem like that

More hillbilly humor:

Ceiling fan









Replacement radio knobs









Dishwashing machine









Hanging basket


----------



## hallorenescene

clever hillbillies.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> clever hillbillies.


Sadly, I've got to agree And even worse, I could see some of my relatives doing those...


----------



## Gatordave

Saw this today on EBay...for the ultimate Frankenstein Fan

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Frankenstei...Fast_Food_Cereal_Premiums&hash=item231bed0d37


----------



## hallorenescene

good grief gator, so will they get bids? lol


----------



## 22606

Awwwwwww, no one bid


----------



## Dark Passenger

I like itchy-sweater-hating Freddy much more than the actual character

Here are a couple pranks thought up by sick people I'd like to congratulate:


----------



## 22606

Hilarious, Dark Passenger I wanted to share one of the featured clips found after the first that you posted, but I would prefer not to be banned Check out the 'Hidden Camera on the Beach' prank


----------



## hallorenescene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkJmoIOr8QU


----------



## Dark Passenger

LOL, Hallo The song alone always amuses me, but the speedy footage with the song makes me laugh.

Garth, I believe I watched that video of the man on the beach, in which he's exceptionally happy to see girls

I've developed a habit of watching too many _Just For Laughs_ clips on YouTube:


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, those are hilarious


----------



## 22606

Great contributions, both of you


----------



## DarkManDustin

Why does Jason wear a hockey mask? To protect himself from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. What is Freddy Krueger's favorite kind of cooking? Made from scratch. Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom? He had nobody to go with.


----------



## hallorenescene

good one garth. it would be pretty wierd to see a coffin out like that
darkman, i appreciate the verbal humor


----------



## 22606

That _would_ be a bit odd to see a coffin just out and about, wouldn't it?

Cheesy yet amusing jokes, Dustin

I don't want to ruin the surprise, but a member of our fine forum purchased something _very_ comical, which I had to share here: http://www.halloweenforum.com/gener...t-did-you-find-buy-today-462.html#post1257003


----------



## Dark Passenger

Great stuff, everyone


Here's some good, sick fun, courtesy of the Just For Laughs crew:


----------



## 22606

Excellent videos, DP. Both had me cracking up


----------



## hallorenescene

you guys, those are great.


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo.

Don't you wish that you could have also had a stroller like this? It has more than just looks going for it (watch the vid to see)


----------



## hallorenescene

some more good ones. i'm still trying to get over the baby buggy one. that one is to sweet


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> i'm still trying to get over the baby buggy one. that one is to sweet


Hehe. I thought that it was great, as well


----------



## Dark Passenger

Awesome car videos. I hope the first dad was careful that his son's means of transportation didn't set his pants on fire. Grown Man was pretty funny, and it was cool to see those kids having so much fun


I admit without shame that I love watching videos of people falling, flat on their faces, off stages, on dance floors, during gymnastics' routines, legs flying in the air, etc.:


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, i shouldn't laugh, but i couldn't help myself. and i admit, there have been times i've done some falling myself that was pretty embarrasing. and times others fell and i laughed. my daughter to this day gets irritated at me for laughing one time when she fell. i was feeling sorry for her the whole time, i just couldn't help laughing.


----------



## DarkManDustin

This is great.


----------



## 22606

Loved that video, DP

Hilarious pic, Dustin


----------



## 22606

Very funny, but, sadly, this applies to me _too_ much...


----------



## 22606

"Starfox down!! I repeat, Starfox down!!"


----------



## DarkManDustin

Have a drink.


----------



## 22606

Very cool, Dustin


----------



## Dark Passenger

Oh wow, so many cute animals I'm in danger of making the kinds of cutesy sounds I detest, which is just about all of them Luna's a beauty. If I didn't cringe at the sound of my voice on tape, I'd make videos of my Lupin for YouTube 

More Buffy, but the singing kind this time


----------



## 22606

Loved it, DP I am curious, though; what was the culprit?


----------



## Dark Passenger

[email protected] the _ew_, _ew_, _ew_, _ew_ part. Jabba's still the grossest. I liked playing a game when I was a kid where I was Princess Leia and I strangled Jabba to death.

At the beginning of the _I've Got a Theory_ song, Giles says (sings), "I've got a theory, that it's a demon, a dancing demon, no, something isn't right there." Well, actually, he was right, and the demon also sang Great episode.


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, those are good. talk about ...hello...you home. lol


----------



## 22606

I kind of figured as much. Thanks, Dark Passenger

Those are hilarious, especially the last 'emergency'


----------



## hallorenescene

holy crap garth, that first one is crazy. lights out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Dark Passenger

You're welcome, Garth

The cat's a better thief than the humans That cat doesn't live that far from me; if my pumpkin disappears off my porch, I'll know who stole it


----------



## 22606

Hahaha. All are quite amusing, DP


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, cute ones
garth, that is one ugly dude, yeowsa. he makes me think of a volcano that's erupted and all the lava is streaming down the veins.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, that is one ugly dude, yeowsa. he makes me think of a volcano that's erupted and all the lava is streaming down the veins.


Hehheh. Poor Batista 

More your speed, hallo?


----------



## hallorenescene

i dig vampires, i can handle that


----------



## Dark Passenger

I had a cousin who moved to California and loved wrestling, and I had to say to him, "You can take the boy out of the Midwest, but you can't take the Midwest out of the boy." The wrestling dude in the picture would probably look fine if he didn't have ridiculously huge muscles, popping veins, and 'roid rage. As a baseball fan, I've had quite enough of seeing steroid users


----------



## hallorenescene

hey dp, i can raise one eyebrow, but not on cue.
i think the last sign is funny, but i don't get it. i know there is a joke somewhere


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> i think the last sign is funny, but i don't get it. i know there is a joke somewhere


If you worked where I last did, it would make perfect sense Very large, heavily-perspiring women keeping money in their bras and pulling it out at the register to hand the cash over in a damp, crumpled mess was not exactly pleasant

All are comical, DP The first makes me think of Ren


----------



## Dark Passenger

Thanks for explaining that one, Garth, and I'm so very, very sorry for the horror you beheld at your last job 

Hmm, if that first picture is real, I'd say they ought to skip military duties and focus on basketball The second picture is sad and, unfortunately, true in many ways.


I'm with the second guy:









Watch out for this lethal little son of a motherless goat:


----------



## 22606

Not a prob. Thanks, DP

I'm closer to the second guy, too

'Son of a motherless goat' is a new one to me, but I like it very much Those eyes...

I wouldn't be so worried about the Sith after seeing _those_ means of transportation


----------



## DarkManDustin

What happened when 5000 hares escaped from the zoo? Police started combing the area.


----------



## Dark Passenger

Here lies the source of _son of a motherless goat_:







I loved this show. I picked a clip that has a guest appearance by John Astin, AKA Gomez Addams.


----------



## 22606

Both are great, Dark Passenger, and I could _definitely_ tell that was Gomez Bull is my favorite character from _Night Court_


----------



## DarkManDustin

Does this look like the Jigsaw puppet from Saw to you? It does to me.


----------



## hallorenescene

darkman, sell it. it's a winner


----------



## 22606

Pretty close resemblance there...


----------



## hallorenescene

i loved that movie garth. hey, gives me some ideas for my elves in my haunt this year


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> hey, gives me some ideas for my elves in my haunt this year


I can't wait to see them, if that's the case


----------



## 22606

One of the best _Tiny Toon Adventures_ clips


----------



## 22606




----------



## hallorenescene

cute ones garth, i like both those songs.


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo


----------



## hallorenescene

that was a riot garth. does anyone watch good luck charlie. i love that show. and teddies family gets on tv, and she is at her boyfriends and they are watching. and his uppity family is making fun of her family. so she lets out a big belch and lets them know that is her family. after she leaves, the boyfriends father lets out a good belch and says, actually that it felt good. kinda a nice touch that they could be accepting. 
the second one got some good ideas there that were bad ideas. cracked me up


----------



## 22606

Glad that you liked them, too. I think that I saw an episode of _Good Luck Charlie_ the other month when I was by my friend's. It had the family fighting over keeping up a treehouse that the neighbor wanted removed. The father had everyone turn against him, then he finally gave in and told the neighbor that it wasn't coming down; at the same time, the tree collapsed The one that you summarized sounds quite amusing, too


----------



## hallorenescene

yeah, i saw the tree house one. it was good. they are a dysfunctional family. they remind me of us.


----------



## Dark Passenger

_Night Court_, the Great Wakkarotti, a belching anecdote, and a Jigsaw muffin. Good stuff Grandpa having a heart attack was always my favorite Bad Idea.

Hateful people deserve mockery:


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, those do deserve mockery.


----------



## 22606

Love those, DP


----------



## Dark Passenger

The first one's something many sports fans have wanted to express about various referees The second and third ones are big time _D'oh!_ moments.


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, some more good ones. would you believe when i worked at the gas station and they were interviewing applicants, one prospect while being interviewed talked on their cell phone the whole time. i wonder if they ever found a job. i wonder if they wanted to find a job


----------



## 22606

Dark Passenger, the one about organic food is phenomenal

Regarding cell phones, does the entire human race truly need to know many of these loudmouths' business, as they make it seem?


"How much wood could a woodchuck... Oh, @$%&!!"









Mold has nothing on this bread


----------



## Dark Passenger

I believe it, Hallo, some people with their cellphones are horrid. It drives me nuts when people talk on their phones while salespeople ring them up, it's so damn rude. I wanted to smack some parents at a daycare a worked at years ago when they picked up their kids while talking on headsets 

Poor ex-woodchuck, poor ex-rodent. I hope the rodent died in its sleep after feasting on that bread


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, is that real, a dr seuss book that says that? but seuss was my hero
the cat one is great
the 3rd one, oh no, as if i needed to know that one. lol.
that rat one.....gross. but i can see it happening. bet you would never eat that bread again


----------



## 22606

Those are very amusing, DP. The second was pretty much Red's mantra on _That 70's Show_ And, no, Dr. Seuss did not really write that, hallo


----------



## Dark Passenger

It's really sad that Michael Jackson's head works on a white body 



A really happy Cinco de Mayo.


----------



## hallorenescene

the fourth one is good.


----------



## Laurie S.

In correlation with this weekend's Super Moon...


----------



## 22606

Those are hilarious, DP, although I _really_ want Taco Bell now

That is amusing as heck, Laurie Will that be ET's second crash-landing?







23-second difference to what it is stated as, which makes it even more comical


----------



## Dark Passenger




----------



## 22606

Hahaha. Great contributions, DP.

I can't believe what people do to their poor animals I don't blame the dog in the least for feeling so much hatred

Wolverine nealry always has some sort of amusing comment

Happiest killer I have _ever_ seen...


Some hilarious quotes from Deadpool (another Marvel character, sometimes seen with Wolverine):

"Sorry, I use humor to deflect my insecurities. Plus, I’m hilarious, so don’t hate."

"Who dares summon the master of glib, the deliverer of one-liners and the shogun of sarcasm?"

"S’matter Buddy? You look a little – what’s the word I’m looking for here – Stupid."

"Not enough to justify what's about to happen to my pedicure. And I paid extra for the little Blackest Night symbols, too. My feets is a rainbow of power..."

"UGH! That was awful...all my thoughts strung together so dreadfully dull and plodding...like some glacially moving freight train of suck! My God...that must be what it's like...to be a total loser like you!"

"I've been besmirched! This besmirchment will not stand!"


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that et one is rich. i cracked up.
dp, poor puppy, don't you feel bad for dogs when their owners make them do that.
laurie, good et one


----------



## Dark Passenger




----------



## hallorenescene

dp, i like your snowmen posts. i have 5 snowmen blow molds, this winter when i display them, i'm hoping to have them all around a campfire warming themselves


----------



## 22606

Highly amusing, DP. I especially like the snowman with the sign saying "I'll be dead soon."


----------



## 22606

A couple more funny _Tiny Toons_ music videos, both featuring songs by _They Might Be Giants_, who also did the theme song for _Malcolm in the Middle_


----------



## hallorenescene

cute cartoons garth. that first one was really good
garth, the snowman one was hilarious. i love that one


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo


If Busey doesn't belong in the nut house, I don't know who does...


----------



## hallorenescene

okay, busey has got to go home and take care of his cows.


----------



## 22606

You wouldn't like him when he's angry...









When wrestling and sugary drinks collide.


----------



## Laurie S.

Submitted because of awesomeness. I don't care who you are.


----------



## 22606

Laurie S. said:


> Submitted because of awesomeness.


Hilarious addition, Laurie That will teach the young'uns to turn around in Mister Rogers' driveway, won't it?


----------



## Dark Passenger

Was that a promo for Piranha 3DD, or an anti-drug spot?

Hey, Mister R, it's a beautiful f'ing day in the neighborhood


----------



## hallorenescene

mister rogers is going to whomp busey's but.


----------



## 22606

Some of that was absolutely hilarious, DP Love the gunfire part toward the beginning


Cupid's replacement


----------



## Laurie S.

I sure do need to watch me some Firefly.


----------



## Dark Passenger




----------



## 22606

Great, particularly the Carlin one


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, garth, those are some good ones.
that cop one will make me share a story with you. okay, i use to own a building downtown where i lived. and sometimes when i was there late at night, i would hear every now and then talking. i would step outside, but there was nobody there. it kinda bothered me. and sometimes in the morning i would find a beer can on the ground, outside the back door. so one time i was on my way into work, and i happened to look up, and there were a couple of beer cans up on my roof. i had a flat roof. so someone was drinking on my roof. so i told my hubby when i got home that night. he told me the next time i heard the talking to call him. so one night i was working, and i heard the talking so i called him. he came down and we went outside and we noticed our ladder we kept down there was not quite put away. so we loitered in the trailor we owned in back to see who it was. we were going to report it to the cops. well, pretty soon a cop comes behind my building, puts my ladder up, and down comes another cop. these a s s e s ors were using my roof to watch the bar across the street to nail drinkers. yes i am against drinking and driving, but using my ladder and my roof just seems wrong, and since the one doing it on my roof was drinking himself and then hopping in his car and driving home. so, next time i heard the talking, i went home, got my hubby, we quietly walked back uptown, picked up the ladder, and took it home with us. anyway, that ended the talking i would hear sometimes at night.


----------



## Dark Passenger

Funny stuff, Hallo and Garth


----------



## hallorenescene

dp, i think margaritta and mamagrams should go hand in hand


----------



## 22606

Hahahaha. Wow, hallo... Too bad that someone didn't get stuck up there when you took the ladder

The LSD one really had me cracking up, DP


A Texas teen is probably going to have in-school suspension over a haircut (stupid, I know). It's _supposed_ to be a ball player, but the resemblance to Chuck Norris is absolutely uncanny http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nba-b...ead-could-net-young-013230150.html#more-21327


----------



## Dark Passenger

LOL, Hallo

I saw that article, Garth. What a stupid reason to suspend someone


----------



## 22606

Heh. All are great, but I love the Bea Arthur one, DP

This is a snippet of a _real_ e-mail that I received today If only getting paid large amounts of money were so simple...


----------



## 22606

Deer versus cat http://screen.yahoo.com/territorial...?pb_list=be33bfb9-ebde-4f19-854d-8156e9e5e8bd


----------



## 22606

Check the typo at the bottom


----------



## Laurie S.

EWWW. 


And because it wasn't obvious enough...


----------



## 22606

Hahahaha. That is magnificent, Laurie


----------



## hallorenescene

good one laurie


----------



## Laurie S.

That s%$t cracked me UP. But, because they said 'please,' I'll hold off on taking that $%#@^ out that I've been thinking should stop wasting air for a while longer.


----------



## 22606

Phew... One more day of getting to live. Thanks, Laurie


I found this spoof of _Fifty Shades of Grey_ highly amusing. Enjoy http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/5c...ue-with-selena-gomez?playlist=featured_videos


----------



## Dark Passenger




----------



## 22606

Hehe. Nice ones, DP Sorry about letting you down, Mr. Turtle


----------



## 22606

Mr. T's famous singing venture


----------



## 22606




----------



## Dark Passenger

I only need three words to describe the following videos: Wee! Fast part!


----------



## 22606

Heh. He really gets into it, eh? I think I could handle _that_ coaster

I was by my friend's house last night; he went to take off his shoes and put them in the closet. As he began to open the door, his wife cracked, "Nooooo, my silk scarves will turn back into worms..." I was laughing like heck, adding, "If they start wiggling, that's when you _really_ need to worry." The shoes wound up in another place, instead


----------



## Dark Passenger

Yeah, silk doesn't seem quite as luxurious when you think of it like that

One more video with Mr. Wee!, and this time I have one word: twisty!


----------



## 22606

He should be the host of a kids' show, since he has the right mentality for it


I'm thinking that these versions of films would have been better


----------



## Dark Passenger

Now that's what would have saved the Sex and the City sequel from being the horrible bomb that it was The sad thing about Jessica Rabbit zombie is that dead or not, animated or not, some guys will still stare at her boobs


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, 50 shades of blue puts a new word on blech. too funny.
dp, the dentist one cracked me up.
hey guys, some good ones. and yes, i wanted to borrow that line from jessica rabbit many times. don't hate me, i was just made like this. lol.


----------



## Laurie S.

I looked at Jessica's boobs too.


----------



## 22606

Laurie S. said:


> I looked at Jessica's boobs too.


Well then... I don't feel so bad now

Dark Passenger, those are all amusing as heck Sheen has the most terrifying visage, no doubt

I love the look on the girl on the left's face:









I _did_ snicker a bit... Was that the intention, T?


----------



## 22606

Mr. Rogers has mad mic skills, yo


----------



## 22606

Whatever you do, don't upset Bugs Bunny


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones garth


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo.

This _has_ to be one of the most hilarious things I have seen


----------



## Veckah

This was great, had to reshare on my FB!


----------



## hallorenescene

ow, that must have hurt. i can't believe how calm the guy stayed. i got to admit, it made me laugh hard. to funny


----------



## 22606

Glad that you both enjoyed it.


----------



## 22606

This one is pretty tame compared to the others, so it should be okay to post


----------



## 22606

I agree with your sentiment, hauntedparts

Must be a darned good mattress to have the Reaper need to protect it...


----------



## 22606

I have heard of food that is "to die for", but this gives a _whole_ new meaning


----------



## hallorenescene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8n7mHJBhmw&feature=related
now tell me garth you don't in sync with these guys. so cool dude....happy birthday
the hair, the glasses, the goth clothes. and don't forget a cute cheesy guy


----------



## 22606

Thank you, hallo


----------



## hallorenescene

haunted, you did get a chuckle out of me. hey, and that's good for clowns too


----------



## 22606

Very funny (and excellent self-promotion there), hauntedparts.


A spoof of that annoying song, _Call Me Maybe_.


----------



## hallorenescene

cute video garth. it wasn't annoying at all. 
haunted parts, what were in the packages? tools? how else is he going to get busy. if it is gifts, well then, he doesn't need to build anything


----------



## 22606

"There, now the aliens won't be able to read my mind..."


----------



## 22606

I like Jeff Dunham, too. That video is a good one, hauntedparts


----------



## kathy2008

Can never go wrong with cookie monster!!


----------



## kathy2008

For the ladies........don't we know it!


----------



## hallorenescene

some men need to say what they mean, and mean what they say. focussed
like that one kathy


----------



## 22606

Ha. I like that, Kathy. I'd probably have the end of a sledgehammer come flying off as I went to swing it


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## 22606

Those are all great, moonwitchkitty Tallahassee (_Zombieland_) would agree with your first, no doubt Those are the deadliest-looking bunny ears that I've ever seen And now if we ever see a half-eaten flamingo, we'll know how it met its end


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitchy, those are hilarious. i love the first and third.
garth, no comment on your latest. not my style.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, no comment on your latest. not my style.


That is still a comment It's okay. I'm not expecting everyone to have the same sense of humor as I do. Even the more 'out there' things that I have posted in this thread are relatively tame, I would like to think; trust me when I say that I could do _much_ worse


Just when he was primed for a huge comeback, Furby fell off the wagon...









What a name


----------



## hallorenescene

oh, i know you could do worse, but thanks for being nice. and you got me there, i did make a comment. now, about poor furby, did he fall off the wagon cause he drank to many, or did he fall off the wagon cause to many cans were flung at him? poor little pink guy. only real men can wear pink.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> now, about poor furby, did he fall off the wagon cause he drank to many, or did he fall off the wagon cause to many cans were flung at him? poor little pink guy. only real men can wear pink.


What's great is that it is open to interpretation

Although many of the people at my last place of work wanted to see me wearing a pink shirt, it never happened The closest that they got me to wear was an orange one, which a collection was taken up for and I would don occasionally (basically as a running joke) in place of my always-present black ensemble; it's hanging in the basement, and I should take a picture in it sometime.


----------



## hallorenescene

i would love to see a picture of it. so don away and post a picture. i'm sure you look great in it.


----------



## witchymom

this made me LOL....


----------



## 22606

Haha. Britney?


----------



## hallorenescene

witchy, very true. lol. good one


----------



## hallorenescene

haunted, that was a good movie. very funny


----------



## 22606

That's amusing, hauntedparts. I have heard that they are actually going through with making a sequel (after how many years now?).


----------



## hallorenescene

i actually like the lamp. it's so cheesy, what's not to like. lol


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> i actually like the lamp. it's so cheesy, what's not to like. lol


Agreed, but I wouldn't buy a replica Believe it or not, even Walgreens had some available last Christmas


----------



## witchymom

uh huh................. lolololol


----------



## 22606

Men aren't the only ones who exaggerate How many women use all kinds of 'smoothing' pieces under their clothing to mash their bodies into something _totally_ different?


----------



## witchymom

Garthgoyle said:


> Men aren't the only ones who exaggerate How many women use all kinds of 'smoothing' pieces under their clothing to mash their bodies into something _totally_ different?


well, I am too into being comfortable and being able to breathe to do that. 

i dont even wear a bra unless im going someplace. and even then.... its optional (a tank top will stop most of the jiggles) LMAO


----------



## hallorenescene

haha, women aren't the only ones who mash their bodies into something uncomfortable. men have been known to do that too. 
witchy, very cute cartoon. lol


----------



## Laurie S.

A recent post I put on Facebook over a conversation with my sons:



'The Talk' is coming, and soon. The kids know it happens without the specifics. Today's rabbit hole conversation started when we discussed how much Lori's character on 'The Walking Dead' sucked. Xander just popped on out with, "Yeah, plus who would have sex in the woods while there's zombies around?"

Hunh.

"Well, as you get older, son, you'll realize that people will make that happen under ju
st about any circumstances."

D: "So have you and Dad had sex more than once?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
D: "I mean, other than having me and X, have y'all had sex?"

"Yes."
"A lot?"
(Oh Lord.)
Then, after a strategic move to ignore the question, X chimed in with, "How about those times you and Dad have the door to your room closed? Y'all are doing it then, aren't you? Oh my God, D, they're doing it THEN!"

*guiltily admits with a nod*

D: "Does that mean I can have sex with my wife when I'm married??!"

"Yes, son, it better mean that..." (this said with a smile)

"But I gotta wait until I'm married or 20 years old?"

"You don't have to wait until you're 20, but you DO have to wait until you're ready, and there are things to consider! You have to make sure your girlfriend wants to, and you have to protect yourself against diseases and having a baby before you're old enough to be a Dad."

"EW, you can get diseases??"

"YES. Some are very bad."

"But wouldn't it be rude to ask my wife if she had any diseases?"

"You'll clear that up before you marry her, son. LOOK, A PRETTY BIRD!"


----------



## Laurie S.

She'll whoop your ***.


----------



## Laurie S.

So cute!!


----------



## 22606

Laurie, those are hilarious, especially the conversation


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my gosh, those are hilarius garth. especially the last one


----------



## Goblin5

Funny pics! I love 'em. Thanks for sharing.


----------



## DarkManDustin

I have 2 jokes for you.
1. Flash forward to 2025. The US elects the first female president, who is from Alabama. She calls her parents, and her dad answers. President elect, "I've been elected President, and I really want you and Mom at the inauguration." Dad, "We'll, hon, we're not as young as we used to be, and the car's got some miles on it. I don't know if we'll make it." Daughter, "I'll charter a plane to come and pick you up. Please come." Dad, "We'll, people there dress fancy. What are we gonna wear? Daughter, "We have the best clothing designers here. I'll get them to make you 2 the best looking outfits." Dad, "The people there eat rich foods. We're just plain folks from Alabama, and I'm supposed to be on a low sodium diet." Daughter, "We have the best caterers. We'll plan a special meal for you. Please come." Dad, "We'll, OK." The day comes. The place is crowded. The parents are there. The dad is seated by a famous senator that he recognizes. He says to the senator, "See that girl with her hand on the Bible? Senator, "Yes, I do. Dad, "Her brother used to play football for Alabama.

2. A guest preacher went up to speak. He said, "I only wanna make 3 points. The first is that there are billions of people in the world that don't know Christ." The congregation got comfortable. He then said, "My second point is that most of you don't even give a damn." The congregation was fuming and gasping. He said, "and my third point is that most of you are most concerned that I said damn, then of the billions of people in the world who are lost."


----------



## hallorenescene

cute ones darkman. laurie, that is a very posh costume. love it


----------



## 22606

I really like the second joke, Dustin


----------



## moonwitchkitty

oh no!!!


----------



## hallorenescene

moon, that is about the cutist one i've seen in a long time. i love it.


----------



## 22606

Haha. Great one, moonwitchkitty.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Thank you Garth, and hallorenescene. Garth I like the safety ladder pic brought a smile to my face.


----------



## 22606

Thanks, moonwitchkitty. At some of my jobs, last in particular, that was the first thought to pop into my head when I looked at the ladders that we were to use; I felt safer climbing atop the furniture boxes and walking across them instead


----------



## hallorenescene

good one garth


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo.


----------



## hallorenescene

oh man garth, that one is good.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Love love love candy corn it is the best!!!


----------



## 22606

I found this as a comment after an article that I read and _had_ to share it

Now! You're looking at "now," sir. Everything that happens now is happening "now." 
-What happened to "then?" 
--We passed it. 
-When? 
--Just now. We're at now "now." 
-Go back to "then." 
--When? 
-Now. 
-- Now?! 
-Now! 
--I can't. 
--Why? 
-We missed it. 
--When? 
-When will "then" be "now?" 
--Soon.


----------



## hallorenescene

wow garth, a good one. i could see laurel and hardy doing that one.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> wow garth, a good one. i could see laurel and hardy doing that one.


Thanks, hallo. I was thinking the Three Stooges, but only because I can't think straight half the time Laurel and Hardy are who I was fishing for in the murky depths, so thank you...


----------



## hallorenescene

yeah, the stooges could pull it off with a fun twist. they did who's on first.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

kind of sounded like a Montepython bit


----------



## The-Dullahan

hallorenescene said:


> yeah, the stooges could pull it off with a fun twist. they did who's on first.


No, "Who's On First" was an Abbot and Costello bit.

You young kids these days, lol.


----------



## hallorenescene

well, you're right dullahan, it was abbot and costello. the things one does to get called a kid. garth, be nice to me.


----------



## The-Dullahan

I grew up without much television. What I did experience was black and white and often without sound (Possibly why I physically cannot walk like a "Normal" person and my feet stick out in what people have jokingly named "Charlie Chaplinitis")

Abbot and Costello were always some of my favourites (Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein is a FANTASTIC film)

Also...this.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Wow that is too cool couldn't stop laughing


----------



## hallorenescene

dullahan, i'm confused. from your picture you don't look very old. so how could you have grown up with black and white and abbot and costella?


----------



## 22606

That was great, The-Dullahan



hallorenescene said:


> dullahan, i'm confused. from your picture you don't look very old. so how could you have grown up with black and white and abbot and costella?


In other countries, they don't get shows from the U.S. until nearly fifty years later...


----------



## hallorenescene

oohhhh, okay then. thanks garth


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> oohhhh, okay then. thanks garth


Not a problem. I was exaggerating just a wee bit about the time length, though I'm not sure about Scotland, but Britain often gets shows a good amount of months later.


----------



## Laurie S.

We don't even need to replace our carpet, but now I want to just to be a copycat.


----------



## Laurie S.

And this is off-topic for the thread, but it's the gargoyle I mentioned to you yesterday, D. He's so pretty!!!


----------



## 22606

Thanks, Laurie. Grumpy, from _Snow Not-So-White and the Seven Gargoyles_?


----------



## hallorenescene

oh, my, lord laurie, that wins best humor. way to funny. wouldn't that be a rush?

garth, i knew you were exagerating the time span. by my calculations it is 49 and 3/4 years behind us.


funny garth
or maybe the dggie from ghostbusters.

hey, that makes me think of my daughters ex lawyer. he just got voted in.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Got enemies?


----------



## 22606

Lovely idea there, Dustin


----------



## hallorenescene

reminds me of a joke. 
a couple had been married for a few years, and the husband comes home and wants a divorce. he's marrying a younger woman. the wife is grief stricken. in the divorce settlement the hubby gets the townhouse. the wife decides on her last day there to have a last meal. she cooks herself a shrimp and steak supper, baked potato, tossed salad, and eats it by candlelight. it's a vissage of what she will be adjusting to. when she's all done eating she cleans up after herself, saving the shrimp scales. just before she leaves the townhouse, she slips the shrimp scales into the hem of the curtains. the next day the 2 love birds move in. just a few days and and a smell arises. the couple clean the townhouse, but the smell gets worse. finally they decide they can't take the smell anymore. so they sell the townhouse and move to a new townhouse. of course, they take all their possesions with them. lol


----------



## 22606

That is pretty funny, hallo.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Check these out.


----------



## 22606

Heh. Those are great, Dustin. I used to be into _Star Wars_ quite a bit when I was younger, so I got the first one figured out pretty easily


----------



## oaklawn Crematory

LOL That is funny Dustin!


----------



## moonwitchkitty

thanks for the funnies


----------



## DarkManDustin

They actually make these.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

I want one!!!!


----------



## hallorenescene

my grandson hates you dustin. lol. good ones

i want one too.


----------



## DaveintheGrave

HA ! I love the shower mat!

I want one, too.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> my grandson hates you dustin.


Tested the bait-spray-turned-air-freshener idea, did you?

That is a neat bath mat


Attaching crazy pictures of celebrities is not the way to go about getting an interview... or is it?


----------



## DarkManDustin

Not yet.


----------



## DarkManDustin

hree bears revisited

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking
up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks
into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he
squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his
big bowl. It is also empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells,

"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? ...It was
Mummy Bear who got up first. ...It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in
the house up. ...It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last
night and put everything away. ...It was Mummy Bear who went out into the
cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. ...It was Mummy Bear who set
the table. ...It was mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box
and filled the cat's water and food dish. ...And now that you've decided to
come down stairs and grace me with your presence, ...listen good, because
I'm only going to say this one more time....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE Flippin PORRIDGE YET!!!!


----------



## hallorenescene

darkman, that's a good one


----------



## 22606

That is hilarious, Dustin


----------



## DarkManDustin

Check these ouf! Enjoy.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Add Content


----------



## DarkManDustin

Add Content


----------



## DarkManDustin

*great one*

I get all these from Facebook.


----------



## hallorenescene

some really good ones, dustin


----------



## 22606

Those are great, Dustin.

I found this post on a Yahoo site _tremendously_ amusing


----------



## moonwitchkitty

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/jqQB7MsGkC8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>






<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/jqQB7MsGkC8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>hope yall are having a good day


----------



## hallorenescene

okay garth, that is one i need to pass on to m brother in law. it's right up his alley


----------



## The-Dullahan

In my extensively sparse and varied family (Of whom there are VERY little in this country) I had a brother who may as well have no relation to me. Different appearance, different accent, only speaks English, from a different place, raised by different people and completely void of any of the same culture...but he is FAMILY. Anyhow, he stayed in my home for about a year, several years ago. This is a text messaging conversation he had with a friend and sent me the photo/image of.










Sadly, I never found that Flyer. There is a second part where he explains that I live there and he stayed there for a bit and the other fellow texting him goes into greater detail on the house. Hilarity ensued, of course. Sadly, I cannot find that image any place. Maybe I have it on another computer?


----------



## DarkManDustin

Question: What goes tick...tick...tick...boom!
Answer: Blind man entering a mine field...<smile>


----------



## 22606

Both of those are amusing, The-Dullahan and Dustin.


----------



## 22606

Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family:

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time’s up'???”


How men and women record things in their diaries:

---- Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing.." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, "I love you, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

---- Husband’s Diary:
A two-foot putt……….who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?


----------



## Paint It Black

LOL @ Garth, loved them both!!!


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones garth. the second one is so true


----------



## 22606

Glad that you both enjoyed them.


A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"


I was in a bar on Saturday night. Had a few...
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped, "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember...


----------



## hallorenescene

those are good ones garth.


----------



## Paint It Black

I think I know those ladies, lol.


----------



## The-Dullahan

The diary joke, I am familiar with. However, in the version I tend to hear, the man's diary tends to read something like:

"Motorcycle won't start. Not sure why." or "Car seems sluggish. Not sure why."


----------



## 22606

A boy gets into the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"'Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What did you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads!"


----------



## hallorenescene

that is a good one garth.


----------



## bfjou812

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment. 

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. 

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. 

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.​
​


----------



## 22606

That joke is marvelous, bfj, and sooo true


----------



## bfjou812

Why, Thank You Garth!!


----------



## hallorenescene

bfj, that is a good one.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Here's a good one.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Here are 2 good pictures.


----------



## 22606

I've seen the very cartoony one before, but not the Spirit version. Poor Jason...


Had to laugh when I heard this joke: "I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens." (credited to comedian Mitch Hedberg)


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## DarkManDustin

moonwitchkitty said:


> View attachment 152137


Where did you find this? Tat 's good.


----------



## 22606

Amusing zombie, moonwitchkitty. Since I'm a vegetarian, is that what I have to look forward to becoming?


----------



## moonwitchkitty

MUAHAHAHAHAHA maybe  found the zombie on google images


----------



## Druidess

Too funny bf...laughing so hard.


----------



## The-Dullahan

Garthgoyle said:


> Amusing zombie, moonwitchkitty. Since I'm a vegetarian, is that what I have to look forward to becoming?


I've always figured that is the zombie fate of Vegetarians.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Happy propane tank.


----------



## 22606

Hank is aghast...


----------



## DarkManDustin

Dangit, bobby!


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones all.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Here's one.


----------



## 22606

Ha. That is a great one, Dustin.

How his beard fits under the mask is one of the world's great mysteries...


----------



## DarkManDustin

One for the musicians .


----------



## hallorenescene

dustin, i love the mummy one. the musician one is cute too.
garth, that beard is for sure never entering my house. reminds me to much of spider legs. shivers


----------



## DarkManDustin

Garth: he looks like he's trying to inhale a humongous spider.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, that beard is for sure never entering my house. reminds me to much of spider legs. shivers


Heh. Wonder if you will be the first person to shoo Spider-Man away when he attempts to help... 



DarkManDustin said:


> Garth: he looks like he's trying to inhale a humongous spider.


That, or turning into one (a la _The Thing_).


----------



## DarkManDustin

Here are some good
Ones.


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones dark man


----------



## spiderqueen

Love the instrument pools, especially the guitar!


----------



## moonwitchkitty

,


----------



## DarkManDustin

Check out this funny ghost story video.

http://youtu.be/HbqSmgmCaGo


----------



## The-Dullahan

It has such good dancing music at the beginning!

Now I have to go crank up my gramophone again.


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, good one
dark man, it wouldn't pull up for me. are you playing favorites? lol


----------



## DarkManDustin

hallorenescene said:


> moonwitch, good one
> dark man, it wouldn't pull up for me. are you playing favorites? lol


No. I'm not.


----------



## hallorenescene

yes you arreee.


----------



## DarkManDustin

hallorenescene said:


> yes you arreee.


That wasn't in my favorites.


----------



## Druidess

I can't seem to make it work for me either.


----------



## 22606

Druidess said:


> I can't seem to make it work for me either.


Me neither... Not ignoring you, Dustin; just cannot get it to go, so can't offer any commentary.


----------



## The-Dullahan

A photo collage from a while back, while joking with friends.

All of these photos are, in at least some way, rather accurate. Also, one of them actually does contain a photo of my car and I.


----------



## 22606

$63.59 per gallon in your area?! Very humorous collage, The-Dullahan.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Look at the tree closely. It looks like a face.


----------



## hallorenescene

darkman, cool ones


----------



## DarkManDustin

Broom broom!


----------



## 22606

Good jokes, Dustin.


----------



## hallorenescene

dullahan, those are some good ones. 
darkman, I love the broom


----------



## DarkManDustin

Years ago, a ship, bound for Mexico, was carrying amount of Hellmann's, (they loved the stuff.) It never made it. Somewhere along the way, it sank. Every year in Mexico, they commemorate this event. They call it SINKO DE MAYO. Happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone.


----------



## 22606

Hehe. That is sooo bad, Dustin.


----------



## hallorenescene

that made me laugh out loud, darkman


----------



## DarkManDustin

A lot of pics today!


----------



## 22606

Splendid post, Dustin. Loving the chicken one, in particular


----------



## DarkManDustin

That is funny. I see these on Facebook. I copy, then upload here.


----------



## DarkManDustin

I like the Garfield one.


----------



## 22606

"Just try to smite me now, I dare you... I have an umbrella!!"


----------



## DarkManDustin

My favorite commercial, EVER! You'll see why. http://youtu.be/rkwUNcA09SE


----------



## 22606

DarkManDustin said:


> My favorite commercial, EVER! You'll see why.







Embedded it for you


Yeah, I also really enjoy that one; it is certainly fitting for this forum...


----------



## DarkManDustin

Garthgoyle said:


> DarkManDustin said:
> 
> 
> 
> My favorite commercial, EVER! You'll see why.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Embedded it for you
> 
> Yeah, I also really enjoy that one; it is certainly fitting for this forum...
Click to expand...

Very true.


----------



## hallorenescene

dustin, those are funny. I like the piano doorbell myself.
garth, that one is wicked. I have to send it to my brother in law


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo.

Irony at its finest...


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that one is rich. I use to work at a bar, and it was a money maker. so these 2 guys wanted to buy it bad. they were a couple of spoiled rich kids. the boss didn't want to sell. so the 2 guys went to the landlord and offered to buy the building. so when his lease was up, the boss was out. Julie, deb, and i worked there, Julie and deb were the bosses niece, and stepdaughter. on a scale of 1 to 10, they were a 10 +. they were very pretty, very nice, and wonderful workers and co workers. the 2 guys came to all three of us and told us we weren't classy enough to work there. huh? okay. so they opened their little bar, and it was to cater only to the prestige kids. lol. the bar only made it a year. the best kicker of all was, they hired Dixie as a bar tender. I worked with her at another place. she came from a rich enough family where she could dress pretty classy. so my boss had given her a lot of my hours thinking she would pull in money. every night she worked, the boss came up as much as $500.00 short. no she wasn't stealing. she couldn't count back change. I had several friends tell me they gave her a five or a ten, and she gave them back as much as a 20 in change. she was pretty, but a real air head. real snotty too. oh, she was good for business. lol


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> the best kicker of all was, they hired Dixie as a bar tender. I worked with her at another place. she came from a rich enough family where she could dress pretty classy. so my boss had given her a lot of my hours thinking she would pull in money. every night she worked, the boss came up as much as $500.00 short. no she wasn't stealing. she couldn't count back change. I had several friends tell me they gave her a five or a ten, and she gave them back as much as a 20 in change. she was pretty, but a real air head. real snotty too. oh, she was good for business. lol


That is funny as heck. Serves them right...


----------



## hallorenescene

yeah, his father ran a small restaurant, a very nice guy. anyone that walked in was doted on if he was around. he made a fortune. it didn't rub off on his son. even after losing the bar, the son still didn't get it. his father retired and handed him the booming restaurant business, he still had his attitude. after a couple of years, he lost that too. I married and we moved away, I wonder what ever happened to him. hmmmm, maybe I should see if I can pull up his facebook page.


----------



## Laurie S.

I love this


----------



## 22606

That's marvelous, Laurie


----------



## Laurie S.

Hahahaha!!!


----------



## hallorenescene

laurie, that is so cute. poor smurf

garth, have you ever wanted to be a smurf? they are such cute little guys. well, pop a smurf killed it for me. lol.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, have you ever wanted to be a smurf? they are such cute little guys. well, pop a smurf killed it for me. lol.


Sure... Crazy Smurf


----------



## hallorenescene

and would you be that crazy smuf and me that sweet little smurf smelling the flower? hey bud, where's the dress, I've never had an id crisis. lol. 
so my daughter told me she told you about my one fiend like your friend. she did stuff like your friend to me all the time. but no one liked her so I would blow off the grit. but you know, she got married and ditched me because she had new friends, and now she's divorced and I ran into her, she's all crying on my shoulder she's so lonely. i'm not going there again. uhhu, no more friend to a fiend. I don't know if she's gotten better, and I don't want to.


----------



## DarkManDustin

This is my favorite Sonic commercial. 

http://youtu.be/C8FFxScLKl4


----------



## DarkManDustin

Check these out.


----------



## hallorenescene

dustin, those are hilarious


----------



## 22606

Those are amusing, Dustin. I really like the Pac Man, Garfield, and 'Chucky Harms' ones The fairytale ones are wicked.


----------



## DarkManDustin

I'm putting this out there as a laugh for you. 

https://www.google.com/search?q=AFV+Dip+Head&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari

I saw this when I was little. This is why I don't like served heads, or talking heads.


----------



## 22606

DarkManDustin said:


> I saw this when I was little. This is why I don't like served heads, or talking heads.


Ha. Talking, soul-stealing dolls like Chucky were fine, though?


----------



## moonwitchkitty

.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Yes, Garth, Chucky is awesome.


----------



## hallorenescene

I love dolls, but not chucky. not even free would I like him. my sister was wrong when she said there probably isn't a doll I don't like.
speaking of dolls, did you hear they are putting out a new Barbie? she's gonna be called divorce Barbie. she's gonna come with all of ken's stuff.


----------



## 22606

Why do I get the feeling that releasing a swarm of bats would _not_ have people remaining calm, moonwitchkitty?

Good one, hallo. Will there be a country singin' Ken to go with it? "She took mah dog, house, truck... Ah, hell, she got it awl. Ah'm jus' f***ed."


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Well i guess for normal people wouldn't be calm. But I Love bats. Beautiful creatures!


----------



## DarkManDustin

moonwitchkitty said:


> Well i guess for normal people wouldn't be calm. But I Love bats. Beautiful creatures!
> View attachment 154788


I love bats, too.


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that so cracked me up. hahahahahaaaaaaa. maybe taylor swift could write the song. 
I like bats too. but not in my house. and not when they're swooping at me. yiiiiiiiiiii


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, that so cracked me up. hahahahahaaaaaaa. maybe taylor swift could write the song.


Only if she were to pay me royalties


----------



## moonwitchkitty

I so want one of these!!


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that little fellow is wicked looking
moon, I love that. I want one now.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, that little fellow is wicked looking


If I ever see a hairless cat (or rat, perhaps), I will be sure to adorn it with a cross necklace and send it your way. That was what you wanted to hear, right?

Lovely little lunch tote there


----------



## hallorenescene

my daughter had a hairless rat. it was a very loving little guy.


----------



## 22606




----------



## hallorenescene

that is one annoying dog


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> that is one annoying dog


You think so? I liked the dog. Besides, I would take that 'screaming' over some others' squeak toy-sounding barks any day


----------



## 22606




----------



## Guest

Garthgoyle said:


> Thanks, hallo.
> 
> Irony at its finest...
> View attachment 153970




NO KIDDING! I truly wonder if that guy looks in the mirror each morning and thinks what he sees is "hot." *shuddershuddershudder*


----------



## 22606

hollow said:


> NO KIDDING! I truly wonder if that guy looks in the mirror each morning and thinks what he sees is "hot." *shuddershuddershudder*


Even at his worst, Gary Busey manages to look at least a little better...









This resemblance is certainly uncanny


----------



## The-Dullahan

No one would look normal if they had to live in Gary Busey's reality.

So this one time I was walking through someplace with a friend and saw an individual ahead and leaned over to my friend and told her "I do not know who that is...but it is most definitely Gary Busey's son." She asked how I knew and I told her "Obviously...you have never seen Gary Busey." Turns it was in fact Jake Busey (His son).

Actually, my Hearse Family and I talked Jake into buying a Hearse. I wonder if he's done that by now.

Also, here is an example of my daily life.


----------



## hallorenescene

yikes!!!!!! is that snake real? hey, you have a nice kitchen.


----------



## 22606

Funny how you knew that it was Busey's son immediately, The-Dullahan, but he _does_ have a pretty strong resemblance.

Certainly _not_ the way to dry a dog after it has been given a bath The clip is campy as hell (the music and woman make it so funny) and from a cheesy horror anthology called _The Willies_.


----------



## hallorenescene

sorry, but no way could I watch that.


----------



## DarkManDustin

New batch for ya .


----------



## DarkManDustin

My fave is the wItch.


----------



## 22606

DarkManDustin said:


> My fave is the wItch.


For me, it's a tie between 'warp speed' and 'spider dog'


----------



## The-Dullahan

hallorenescene said:


> yikes!!!!!! is that snake real? hey, you have a nice kitchen.


That is not my kitchen, actually, just an artist's rendering. My Kitchen is nice (I think so) but that looks too...urban for my tastes. One does not put those types of things into a 200 year old house. It just wouldn't match.

As for the snake though, of course it's real. I keep snakes. Doesn't everyone? That's not even a big one...

Snakes make great pets. A bit mischievous, but good pets.






Leave anyone in a dark room and they'll find a lightswitch and doorknob eventually.


----------



## 22606

I saw the clip of the snake opening the door last week; that is really amusing. I love the *thud* and *smack*, followed by a worried-sounding "Good job"


----------



## hallorenescene

my fave is the spider one. although, if I came home to that, some one would have been hurting. 
dullahan, no, that kitchen would not fit into your house. I do love the older houses too.


----------



## The-Dullahan

"Modern" houses are still alien to me and quite frankly, they often spook me quite a bit. I recall seeing the remake of "Dawn Of The Dead" and it contained quite possibly the most frightening scene in ANY horror film ever.

So...May Haps I cannot find the exact scene, but it IS in this video. In fact, it is the first clip in the video.






As I recall, it zooms into that, starting out even further away. All those little, peculiar "modern" houses, all in a row, no yards, no property, no privacy. Like a job where you work in a one of those little cube offices, but worse, as it is your home. Honestly, that's just...creepy.

In all my time in Central Florida, suburban areas retain their heavy creepiness. They just seem so unnatural. Even more unnatural than the big cities, in some ways.

Also, the video contains a TOYOTA. Those things worry me too.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Products that really shouldn't exist: Some of these are a bit, "out there."

http://likes.com/comedy/products-that-really-shouldnt-exist


----------



## hallorenescene

dull a han, that was a good video and song. and yeah, all the houses took no creative thought at all.


----------



## Hauntfreaker

Freaking hilarious!!


----------



## Buggula

Thought I'd share this one ....


----------



## hallorenescene

good one buggu


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## Pumpkin5

My new favorite commercial...How can you not love camels?


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, that one is a winner.
pumpkin5, not to bad either


----------



## 22606

If one pays attention to the cut of the bottoms, 'Super Glue' looks to be wearing a thong, since there is not enough material to continue around to the back as briefs would... Ol' Boy Blue & Red must _really_ be getting with the times and eschewing gentlemanly modesty 

Great additions.


----------



## Laurie S.

*I literally laughed for days over this. *


----------



## Laurie S.

Some of my other friends didn't catch the humor of this one. Clearly I should drop them. ;-)


----------



## 22606

Both are very amusing, Laurie. How can your friends not have seen _Highlander_ (if not the film, at least the series)?


----------



## Laurie S.

I don't KNOW. But maybe I should've listened to my Mom when she said I didn't know how to choose them.


----------



## 22606

You may not know how to pick 'em, Laurie, but this gorilla sure does...


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

I found this on youtube. I couldn't find a longer version of it.


----------



## 22606

That is great, Pumpkinhead625


----------



## hallorenescene

that is very funny pumpkinhead. lauries, don't watch the video. i'm just warning you


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Here's one for the Star Trek fans:









And I found this one for us Halloween fans:


----------



## 22606

Ha. Those are wonderful, Pumpkinhead625.


----------



## hallorenescene

you guys, those are good ones.


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo.

Singer, actress, terrorist?


----------



## Buggula

These are cracking me up!


----------



## Wolfbeard

I love motivational poster spoofs!

Eric


----------



## 22606

Heh. Very good one, Wolfbeard.


----------



## hallorenescene

wolfbeard, I love it.


----------



## WitchyKitty

I love this pic, it's funny and adorable, so I'll post it:


----------



## 22606

That is amusing, WitchyKitty.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

I found this online the other day, and it made me laugh.









And this one is pretty good too.


----------



## 22606

Both are wonderful, Pumpkinhead


----------



## hallorenescene

witchkitty, ahhh, that little bat is cute. 
pumpkin, those are good ones
garth, I now will want pork. lol


----------



## WitchyKitty

I love Harley Quinn!!


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, I now will want pork. lol


Heh. Turned you off to fish, or did Alfred get you with his comment?



WitchyKitty said:


> I love Harley Quinn!!


As do I.


----------



## Laurie S.

Poor little fellas.


----------



## 22606

Perfect fit for this place...


----------



## DarkManDustin

Check this out.


----------



## 22606

Good one, Dustin.


----------



## hallorenescene

laurie, cute one. 
darkman, that is hilarious


----------



## Mestemia

The little diabetic boy meets a stranger on Halloween night, the boy says to the stranger, "Sir I see you have a bag of candy, Can I have a piece of chocolate?” The old man replies, "Sure Son Here you go and now be careful, cause I would hate to see you lose a foot, I would hate to have to eat it!” It turns out the stranger was a sick man with a morbid sense of humor, Or it turns out the man is a cannibal. You decide! Now kids let this be a lesson in never taking candy from a stranger.

Ba Ta Dum!


----------



## hallorenescene

mestemia, good one for the kiddies.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Mestemia said:


> It turns out the stranger was a sick man with a morbid sense of humor, Or it turns out the man is a cannibal.


OR it could have been the man was a sick cannibal with a morbid sense of humor .


----------



## Wolfbeard

My friend Brian sent me this one.

Eric


----------



## 22606

That is amusing, Wolfbeard.


----------



## hallorenescene

the fact the fish made her sick. ohhhh.


----------



## DarkManDustin

A man takes his parrot to the vet. "My parrot isn't feeling well," he said. The vet whistles, and a dog comes out, and sniffs and licks the parrot, and leaves. 

The vet whistles again, but this time, a cat comes out. The cat licks the parrot, and leaves. "

Your parrot is dead, sir." The man then replies, "Dead? What do you mean dead? You only did the lab test, and the cat scan."


----------



## 22606

That is terrible, Dustin...


----------



## DarkManDustin

Wanna hear a joke about paper? It's tearable.


----------



## hallorenescene

hey, I like the jokes darkman


----------



## 22606

Because there is just nothing in this world sexier than a female Hulk Hogan...


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

I found this on facebook today:


----------



## 22606

Pumpkinhead, that is just wrong on _so_ many levels... Perfect contribution


----------



## Lilith's Demon

And a personal favorite


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Sorry... its and addiction really. I'm addicted to cats.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I would so do this!


----------



## moonwitchkitty

...


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Sooooo.... Who wants to meet me in downtown Chicago (aka The Loop) ???


----------



## 22606

Love the new additions to the thread


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

My Uncle and his friend decided to play a mind game on a certain underclassman. They each took turns pretending concern as they would look him over and ask:"Are You feeling all right? You don't look too good!"
After maybe a hand full of times meeting these guys"Denny" went home for the rest of that day"Sick" He didn't know What was wrong with him, but he now knew something was!


----------



## pir8p3t3

Why you shouldn't text and drive:


----------



## hallorenescene

GOOD ONES YOU GUYS. um, well, one was just wrong


----------



## pir8p3t3

Not sure if this was already posted. Didn't see it, so i apologize if this is a double post


----------



## 22606

Gym, that is hilarious.
Both are excellent, pir8p3t3.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

http://www.cracked.com/article_20690_5-reasons-packages-get-destroyed-learned-working-at-ups.html Just a quick link thoes of us on the reaper can relate to.


----------



## 22606

Sadly, I can also relate to that list quite well, moonwitchkitty I think that I am going to quit writing 'fragile' on the boxes that I send and instead put 'human organs, keep refrigerated' to see what happens...


----------



## moonwitchkitty

that would be hilarious Garth


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Imagine the looks on their faces... especially if you put it in a box marked "Slaughter House" on the other side.


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, very funny


----------



## 22606

Somehow, I doubt that they would honor the request, even if I were to add 'Slaughterhouse' to the packaging. Applying this logo would probably do the trick in making them handle goods carefully, though...


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, ewww, lol, that should do it


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I just know I'm going to go through this.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I can relate.


----------



## 22606

Those are amusing, LD.


----------



## osenator

WHY PIC SO SMALL?

It's say's "It's look like it's my lucky day, I'll take THE RAPIST for 200!"

I found this funny! The good old SNL


----------



## 22606

I remember that, osenator; very funny skit.


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones guys


----------



## Lilith's Demon

You know how when you put hydrogen peroxide on a wound it foams up?

For years I have always thought it would be funny to take a swimming pool and fill it up with hydrogen peroxide.

Collect as many zombies as I could...

And throw them all in the pool of peroxide.


----------



## 22606

Lilith's Demon, that could be the new _Alka-Seltzer_ commercial...


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Thanks Garth  Love the pic too! Very fitting.


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that is a good one.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

That's me in the corner... well not really but I do tend to be that one.














Sometimes I love humanity.


----------



## hallorenescene

Lilith, I love morticia.


----------



## 22606

Lilith's Demon said:


> That's me in the corner... well not really but I do tend to be that one.
> Sometimes I love humanity.


That is funny. You and I are polar opposites, apparently

I like the Morticia one (and her, of course), even if the person _did_ manage to spell the last name wrong


----------



## hallorenescene

oh garth, you're right. it's 2 d's isn't it. that was such an awesome show.


----------



## 22606

Yep. One of my favorite older shows, too, along with _The Munsters_.

Yahoo is terrible for not proofreading _any_ of their articles, it seems... Around Halloween, instead of 'minion', they managed to come up with a type of steak.
Maitre d': "Ah, the Despicable Mignon. Very good choice, sir."


----------



## DarkManDustin

Here are some good ones.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Originally found at stationwagonforums.com

QUOTE:
TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?


These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
END QUOTE


----------



## hallorenescene

you guys, those are all some really good ones. I think I met a few of those attorneys in my time.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

As my Ex became my Ex , she inherited a large amount of money and a large house, then she decided our Son was going to college, never saying a word about his plans to me. Here I am in court being pressured to pay half which I could not begin to afford to do.
Her lawyer was telling me I should get a job, and/or a better job. I told him I have always worked, long hours , had many jobs but having my haunt paid me more than any other job I could ever find or get around here but the money was still not "Large". He kept harping, on and on, finally I said:"Well I guess that I could become a LAWYER!"
This was when the Judge woke up and scolded me!
He sat there oblivious as my Ex purgered herself first not remembering inheriting a house then not remembering the money , then my lawyer shoved the proof of it all into her face, the Judge just quietly sat there ........."Oh, yes, I guess I did?" (She spent a fair amount of time bragging about it previously.)
I still left the courtroom not having to pay. Our Son purposely flunked out, then took a large check of his Mother's money from this .. and kept it himself!
(I think he bought a drum set with it?)
There is an old Mexican curse:"May your life be filled with ... lawyers!"


----------



## hallorenescene

man gym, that really sucked. 
we hired a lawyer one time, she said she could do 3 things for us in less than a month. 2 months later we called her. oh, she had forgotten to do the stuff. we said we no longer needed her services. a month later we get a bill from her. I called her, she said she had a right to have us pay her because we employed her. I said we wouldn't pay her because she never provided the service. she said she would take us to court. I said go ahead. I guess she forgot to follow through on that too.


----------



## 22606

Marvelous additions.

Pimping the galaxy, one planet a time...


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

I knew a court reporter who transcribed at home. She had some funny things too. Like: The prisoner who was suing the prison because during a riot a guard hit him on the head and now he has dandruff.. "He never had it before!" His beautician would testify to this too!
Another trial after the riot: The lawyer for the prison was addressing just one prisoner who was on the witness stand, trying to make sure he had the right name but the guy used so many aliases it was like hearing the lawyer reading a phone book!
The last name the lawyer called him was "Sonny Bono?" 
"Yes."
"How's Cher?" The lawyer asked to much courtroom laughter.


----------



## 22606

Those are definitely comical, Gym.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

This is me 3 hours after I get up.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Lol, I've seen the 'smurf' one before, and I think it's HILARIOUS.

Here's one of my favorite rhetorical questions:

"If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn ?"


----------



## 22606

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> Lol, I've seen the 'smurf' one before, and I think it's HILARIOUS.


Same here. That one never gets old

Rhetorical or not, deep purple and with a voice like Prince's is my final answer, Pumpkinhead


----------



## hallorenescene

okay, i'm laughing ya'll


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Is your neighborhood infested with pesky zombies? Tired of the undead mindlessly banging against your barricaded doors and windows trying to gain entry to your home, just so they can eat you alive? Then let Zom-B-Gone Tactical Systems help. Whether it's a lone walker in your back yard, or a mega-hoarde descending on your safe house, Zom-B-Gone has the weapons you need to keep you safe.

Only have the occasional straggler wander into your neighborhood? Zom-B-Gone offers a wide selection of tactical hand-to-head weapons:


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Got large groups of marauding skin-eaters attacking? Too many for hand-held tactical weapons? Then try Zom-B-Gone's XL-500 macro-zombie assault vehicle:









But for those mega-hoardes, you're going to need something more substantial. That's why Zom-B-Gone has designed the BFG-9000 zombie hoarde eliminator:









Zom-B-Gone also offers a complete line of custom-built zombie fortresses:


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my gosh pumpkin, those are a riot. i'll take the zombie fortress please. lol.


----------



## 22606

Those are wonderful, Pumpkinhead, but I think that _The Walking Dead _ had better avoid hiring you as a writer if they want to keep the show going...


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Now that's awesome, Pumpkinhead! The building I live in is surprisingly zombie proof so I'll take one Chainsaw Tank and one Overkill... it has room for a pool.


----------



## 22606

Yes, this pharmacy _is_ real


----------



## Lilith's Demon

My wife used to work in a Mays drug warehouse... a third of the store was liquor and that's where she worked. 

Anyways, there were many times that she helped face the entire store and she came across some really funny old remedies. Things like "Super Goat Weed with Macca" and "Do-Its". We took pics of several of them. I will post pics when I can find them.

Have any of you ever heard of "Butt Cream"? Yes, it too is real.


----------



## hallorenescene

maybe but cream is made by but drug. lol.


----------



## 22606

This would be the perfect ad for _Pepto-Bismol_... _and_ 'Butt Cream'


----------



## hallorenescene

oh man garth, that is nasty.


----------



## 22606

No worries, hallo; it is fake, just like much of wrestling


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Good one Garthgoyle. I don't know if it's more funny than creepy or more creepy than funny 

Since we're going down that road, here's one I like:


----------



## 22606

That is marvelous, Pumpkinhead


----------



## hallorenescene

pumpkin, I've seen yours before, I still get a laugh out of it.
garth, I love the dove one.

and garth, but that was so bad a thought. I know it's fake, but gross.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Curiosity got the cat...


----------



## 22606

That one is amazing, LD


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Is there a cat addicts anonymous?


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Did someone mention cat rehab???


----------



## 22606

Heh. Good one, Pumpkinhead.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Since today is Thanksgiving.......


----------



## 22606

Great contribution, Pumpkinhead


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## hallorenescene

stole this off of facebook from madame Turlock.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Reminds me of the partial joke"What did the Doctor say to do ? ("Suck the poison out!") "The Doctor says:"You're gunna DIE!"


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> stole this off of facebook from madame Turlock.


That comic is awesome, hallo


----------



## hallorenescene

gym, good joke.
thanks moonwitchkitty, and garth


----------



## 22606

The profits from the sale of shoes and jerseys did not amount to enough, so a famous basketball player decided to also license his image to farmers... Basically, someone cut into a cucumber and saw the well-known silhouette of Michael Jordan caught mid-dunk.


----------



## hallorenescene

yep, it's micheal alright. as a matter of fact, I think it was a premonition, cause that design I've seen before, in the cucumbers we ate as kids. yum


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> ...I think it was a premonition, cause that design I've seen before, in the cucumbers we ate as kids.


I've seen a chicken tender shaped like a legless Tyrannosaurus Rex... Wonder if that is a sign of things to come?


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

TYRANUS AND CHICKENS ARE GENETICALLY PROBABLY SECOND COUSINS. Run! Don't look back!
This planet kills and eats enough chickens every day that if they were placed wing-tip to wing-tip they would circle the Earth 4 1/2 times?
Then their chicken ghosts say:"Give up now humans, we have you ...surrounded!"


----------



## hallorenescene

haha gym.
garth, that does look like a rex. I think somebody shrunk his rex, that guy been messing around with his shrinking machine again.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garth, you should have sold it on E-bay 

What would it be if it was a McRib patty shaped like that?.....

JURASSIC PORK 

Sorry, I couldn't restrain myself


----------



## 22606

That was horrendously bad, Pumpkinhead


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garthgoyle said:


> That was horrendously bad, Pumpkinhead


I know.****Goes and stands in corner****


----------



## Lilith's Demon

This reminds me of why I want to be a dad.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

This guy made epic reach a new level!


----------



## DarkManDustin

I know this is a HalloweenForum, but this is good. 

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

Things NOT To Say When Hanging Tree Lights: 

"You've got two red lights right next to each other, goober. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue -- not yellow, red, red, green, blue..." 

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try." 

"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?" 

"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker." 

"Give me that." 

"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top." 

"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!" 

"You've just wound 'em around and around -- I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?" 

"Have you been drinking?" 

"Where's the cat?" 

"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."


----------



## 22606

DarkManDustin said:


> "What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"


I can relate to this one; sure seems it Those are very amusing, Dustin.

Awesome videos, LD


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Put the lotion in the basket


----------



## 22606

What the...?! That is pretty comical, moonwitchkitty


----------



## hallorenescene

my grandson would have loved the metal babysitter. right up to where they called the fire department to put out the fire.
and the chef one I don't get. I mean, he doesn't eat meat because it is cruel to animals, and is sitting with skulls all around. and whapping his hair on the food before serving, I lost my appetite. that newsman that ate his food, I wonder if he's visualizing the hair and flakes he ate.
moonwitchkitty, to funny


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Hallo know what you mean about the hair thing yuck


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

There is the old saying:"Never trust a skinny Cook" . How about : "Never trust a skinny Santa?" Especially if he is sending lotion down to you in a basket on a rope.
I am So fortunate here with my haunted house to have so many naturally scary things as a original part of the house!
The walking tour through the downstairs takes people right passed the old Cistern , Well?
I have steel bars over the opening so nobody could fall in or get in to it. The ceiling also slopes above it to discourage anyone from walking on the steel bars, even if the hallway were pitch dark.
And what do they see wen they peer down the hole?
A circle of old bricks that make the bottle-neck as the structure flairs out as a Coke bottle. Then a colored light bulb hangs half-way down the 10 feet deep hole to show the bottom a messy place with odds and ends , no trash , just rocks, brick pieces and the lower half of a plastic mannequin, which somehow is no longer in-view?
A home-made steel chain and pipe ladder does take you down into this scary place, IF you unscrewed the screws holding down the steel bars and lifted it.
Many yrs. ago a wild, enthusiastic helper I had wanted to be down in this spot to scare people. I spent the time making this ladder so she could so it, then she chickened out! Nobody has ever climbed down into this spot! (Well not since I have owned the house, 26 yrs.) It is dry down there, no water anymore, I disconnected all of the pipes that once carried the rain down there.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

i would have to check it out


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> that newsman that ate his food, I wonder if he's visualizing the hair and flakes he ate.


I didn't know that you practiced the Howie Mandel school of thought, hallo

That is hilarious, moonwitchkitty.


Leave it to the British...


----------



## Evil Elf

That's just disgusting. Both the whole eating hair and flakes thing, and that canned...whatever that is.


----------



## hallorenescene

okay garth, here's some more from the Howie mandel school of thought......I would eat from that disgusting Christmas tinner can, before I would eat from the tray that guy flicked his hair on. I mean come on, what if he had critters in his hair, he would be subjecting us to all be cruel by eating those poor little critters. and he says he's not a meat eater.
good one moonwitch


----------



## 22606

"Please return my poor, defenseless puppy..."


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Garth is that the Gatekeeper ?? too awesome!!


----------



## 22606

moonwitchkitty said:


> Garth is that the Gatekeeper ?? too awesome!!


Yep. As soon as I saw the photo, I knew that it was my duty to post it here


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that is a really really good one.


----------



## 22606

Thank you, hallo.


----------



## hallorenescene

I loved that show. I think I'm gonna pop it in the vcr tonight. I haven't watched that in ages. it is timeless like hocus pocus. just good old Halloween fun at its best


----------



## DarkManDustin

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100 legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
.....

.....

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!
I ' m putting my shoes on!"


----------



## 22606

That is pretty amusing, Dustin.

A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across, he almost got run over by the traffic and the cars were sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him. When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog. A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog? He almost got you killed." The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his @ss!"

A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says, "Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!"
The man does that. 
The next day, the man still has the penguins. Once again, he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that we're going to the beach today!"


----------



## DarkManDustin

Lol. What's funny is I'm visually impaired, but, I can joke about it.

A blind man walked into a department store with his guide dog. He walked to the middle of the store, and picked the dog up, and slung it around, and around, over his head. Seeing this, a worker ran up to the guy, and said, "Sir, what are you doing?" The guy then said, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

A lady woke up one morning, and saw that her house had been broken into. She calls the police, who come right over. The get the dog out of the car. She sees this, and says, "Oh no. Not only have I been robbed, but the sent me a blind cop.


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, darkman, those are hilarious. I loved them. that's my kind of humor.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

A burglar broke into a house, and as he was rummaging through a desk in the living room, he heard a tiny voice say "Jesus and Mary are watching you". He froze for a moment, then continued his work.

Again, he heard the tiny voice say "Jesus and Mary are watching you". As he shined his flashlight around the room, he sees a parrot in a cage. The parrot again says "Jesus and Mary are watching you". He breathes a small sigh of relief, then walks up to the cage and says "Hey, little birdie...what's your name?". The parrot responded "My name is Moses".

The burglar paused a few seconds, then said, " Moses? That's a weird name. Who would name a parrot 'Moses'?".

The parrot replied, "the same people who named their rottweilers 'Jesus' and 'Mary' !".

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Here's one I came across the other day:


----------



## hallorenescene

good joke pumpkinhead. but that photo made me laugh hard.


----------



## DarkManDustin

hallorenescene said:


> good joke pumpkinhead. but that photo made me laugh hard.


Me, too. Can you send me a link for the photo, please?


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

This photo is an example of how fear might be compounded if we happened to be in a naked or partially naked state when something fearful might happen.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

A cartoon by Bizzaro?(SP?) showed the inside of a modern spacious house as a dog , carrying a briefcase in his mouth is walking to leave the house, the housewife says to her neighbor woman:"I don't know where he goes or what he does everyday, but he's knocking down about $180,000 dolars a year!"

I NEED THAT DOG! ... I know, don't we all!


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

DarkManDustin said:


> Me, too. Can you send me a link for the photo, please?


Honestly, I don't know the link. I just did a bing search for "funny pictures". If you want to save this picture, just right click it with your mouse, then scroll down to "save picture as..." , then save it to your computer (for me it's <C:my computer/libraries/pictures/my pictures/miscellaneous/funny pics>)


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, darkman, those are hilarious. I loved them. that's my kind of humor.


Thank you.



Gym Whourlfeld said:


> This photo is an example of how fear might be compounded if we happened to be in a naked or partially naked state when something fearful might happen.


A haunted house owner tried to get away with that this year, but the naked option got taken away quickly (mercifully)

The department store joke is incredibly great, Dustin.
Awesome, Pumpkinhead


----------



## 22606

Somehow, the song just does not seem as dark anymore


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Funny AND Educational! A bit of language but nothing bad.


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, Lilith, pretty good ones


----------



## 22606

Excellent contribution, LD


----------



## DarkManDustin

This one's better told out loud. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.


----------



## 22606

That is bad, Dustin


----------



## hallorenescene

dustin, bad as in rad. short, sweet, to the point


----------



## 22606

I saw a certain person with this befuddled look on his face and _had_ to take advantage of it by adding words Not attempting to get into any kind of political debate...


----------



## hallorenescene

hey, does this mean I could be president? I have those same thoughts.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

"Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted." --Tommy Cooper, Magician-Comedy. One of the 100 best jokes list. Tommy has 10 jokes there most others might only have one. Everybody has always used Tommie's material , used it as their own.
Tommy left them laughing as he actually died on-stage , on Television.
He was very funny-always.
You-tube has him.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> hey, does this mean I could be president? I have those same thoughts.


Probably



Gym Whourlfeld said:


> Tommy left them laughing as he actually died on-stage , on Television.


Well, he was surely a master of his craft if that was the case


----------



## Evil Elf

Well, it's been a while, so I'll throw one in.


Three newly deceased men arrive at the pearly gates and are greeted by the man himself. He asked each of them that, if they could listen to their own funerals, what they would like to hear from those in attendance. 

The first man says that he would like to hear how his wife and children loved him more than anyone else, and that they and his friends will forever miss him.

The second man said the same. that he was loved and looked up to by all those that he ever knew.

And the last man simply said with a grin, "I'd want to hear them say, "Hey, look! He's moving!"


----------



## hallorenescene

evil elf, good one.


----------



## 22606

Quite amusing, Evil Elf. 


A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan, so they open the casket, only to find that the woman is actually still alive. 

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and, at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, you know my hubby so well. lol. [runs fingers through his hair, she just keeps coming back]  lol.


----------



## 22606

Good one, hallo.

"Swings, eh?! Well, whoop-dee-doo..."


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

"Hey look! He's moving!" The punch line to a joke a few pages ago. We had some guests here a year or so ago who were Policemen whose job it was to find and pick up bodies.
They entered a house that had "that smell". An elderly man came to the door, he had called them. They had no electricity (they were elderly-poor people)
"Something is wrong with my Wife."
"She is dead."
"No, she isn't, I can see her chest beating."
She had bugs coming out of her eye sockets.
They picked her up. 
Her chest had been "moving" all made to happen by the rat that had chewed it's way up through the mattress and was now eating inside of her chest cavity!
.. So.. always check under your bed for rats, boys and girls!


----------



## hallorenescene

ooooo gym. good one though.
garth, that doggy is in for the ride of his life.  bet he pees.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, that doggy is in for the ride of his life. bet he pees.


Purposely, right in the owner's face

That is morbidly amusing, Gym.


----------



## 22606

From an article: "Large sharks off Western Australia are now doing their part to keep surfers and swimmers safe–by sending tweets warning of their presence."

_Bruce rapidly approaching #tasty morsel#... 
Jeannie salivating over #beefy swimmer# near bay._


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Since winter has arrived with a vengeance, I though these would be appropriate:

















View attachment 189292


----------



## hallorenescene

pumpkinhead, those are some good ones. I hate winter


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

My morning Facebook post I try to be helpfull and warned that for the next few days the Wakarusa Creek swimming hole behind Ravens Grin will be Closed and no lifeguard will be on-duty.
We might be seeing a -35 degree windchill soon.
I also turned off the heat lamp above my compressor.. Nobody is coming here for awhile, I just have a feeling...


----------



## 22606

I like those a great deal, Pumpkinhead

Sounds terrible, Gym


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Been outside in Chicago today???


----------



## 22606

Same here, amigo - minus the pee freezing (luckily)

Time to confess your sins


----------



## Lilith's Demon

A classic lolcat... but the point stands.








It's currently -11 with a wind chill of -36!!!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Snow Kitty!!! IT'S SO CUTE!!!


----------



## moonwitchkitty

.


----------



## hallorenescene

you guys, those are all good....but... moonwitch kitty, that one rocked me. ain't it the truth. lol.


----------



## hallorenescene

so today, Justin timberlake came on the radio at work singing, and my co worker said, that boy must have been clipped down below to sing up that high. lol


----------



## 22606

Those are amusing, LD.
I originally thought that was supposed to be a takeoff on 'snow babies', moonwitchkitty. Took me a bit to get it



hallorenescene said:


> so today, Justin timberlake came on the radio at work singing, and my co worker said, that boy must have been clipped down below to sing up that high. lol


Heh. I _knew_ that his marriage was a sham...


----------



## 22606

A group in Oklahoma City wants to put up a 7'-tall statue of Satan seated on his throne, complete with a couple of adorable kids by him (one of which has more than a passing resemblance to a young Obama), near a Ten Commandments monument that was built in 2012 http://news.yahoo.com/group-unveils-satan-statue-design-oklahoma-224102124.html 

"Hey, kids, come sit on Satan's lap..." 
"Don't you mean Santa's?" 
"Uh, no. Get with the program."


----------



## moonwitchkitty

.
=^.^=


----------



## 22606

That is exceptional, moonwitchkitty


It’s so cold that...

...escaped prisoners are turning themselves in!
...the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
...Richard Simmons is wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.
...lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
...false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
...police tell a robber to freeze, and he does.
...words freeze in midair and have to be put in a frying pan to thaw so what was being talked about can be heard.
...people look forward to getting a fever.
...mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
...pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
...streetwalkers are giving out freebies just so they can stay warm.


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitchkitty, another good one. poor little doggie.
and garth, it is so cold here, I can relate to the cold jokes


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> and garth, it is so cold here, I can relate to the cold jokes


You are not alone, hallo. I'm going stir-crazy from being confined for so many days


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

So Cold, you have to thaw out the fire to get warm!
You know it's really cold when two comedians are rubbing two Schticks together to stay funny.
("Funny" is more important than "Warm".)


----------



## 22606

Pretty funny, Gym.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but only if the bulb truly wants to change.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Why did the Vampire allow himself to be held in Jail?

He had heard if he was there long enough he might get a con-jugular visit.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

discretion is advised. 

Why do they call them crap jobs?

... Because, like toilet paper, you have to deal with @$$holes all day.


----------



## 22606

Those are both good ones, Gym and LD.


----------



## hallorenescene

okay, some good random humor guys


----------



## Lilith's Demon




----------



## Buggula

I can't say I've ever seen a cat purring and hugging. LOL!


----------



## 22606

That is pretty amusing, LD. I still think that the cat wanted to choke him, but the lack of opposable thumbs negated it

Q: You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe beside you and you're being chase by a lion. What do you do? 
A: Get your drunk @ss off the carousel.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Buggula said:


> I can't say I've ever seen a cat purring and hugging. LOL!


Our little Emma has done that a few times. Robert is less likely to do it but only because its too much work. David has the timid yet I'll kick your @$$ street cred kind of mentality... um... he's done it once that I can remember. Pieturo... Well... he's Pieturo and is pretty much only cuddly with me. Did I mention that I have four cats???!


----------



## hallorenescene

Lilith's, I loved that video. I just got a new kitty. the grandchildren say he always hisses. the first day he did hiss when i picked him up. they say he won't let anyone hold him and he won't sit in your lap. last night he crawled up in my lap and I fell asleep petting him. I think I'm going to like him.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garthgoyle said:


> Q: You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe beside you and you're being chase by a lion. What do you do?
> A: Get your drunk @ss off the carousel.


LMAO!!!! This is great, Garth!


----------



## 22606

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> LMAO!!!! This is great, Garth!


Thanks, Pumpkinhead. I had a few more that I wanted to post, though I don't know just _how_ un-PC I can be without getting in trouble


I used to be a combination sadist, bestialist, and necrophiliac, but I gave it up because I realized I was just flogging a dead horse.

Failed my Politics exam. The question was: “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world.”
Apparently, "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.


----------



## hallorenescene

the tech support should have got an a+. lol


----------



## 22606




----------



## hallorenescene

garth, I'm never going to Australia. no no no


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, I'm never going to Australia. no no no


Oh, come on... You could buy the spider a collar and leash and take it for a walk


----------



## hallorenescene

more likely I would ride it"s a$$ with a broom.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Hate spiders


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

What are you picking on such a small spider for? The following happened here in my Haunted house, The Ravens Grin Inn:"That's a rubber spider!" "Real," "Rubber!" "Real." "Rubber!" "Watch this". Jim said. I cupped my hand so as to direct my exhaling breath over the spider, when I did this it moved a few legs ever so slightly.... "AAHHH! THAT'S A REAL SPIDER!!" This 45 yr. old man screamed in front of his Wife, his Mother and his two small children while all the lights were "On" in the wine cellar here.
Maybe 15 minutes later as they were exiting the house-tour completed, he shook my hand . "Good tour, Thanks A lot!"
I felt some money folded in the palm of his hand as we shook, he was giving me a "Tip".
As they drove away I sort of absently-minded opened my hand , there was a 20 dollar bill!?
I went back down to the wine cellar.. and smashed that spider! 
"THIS IS MY SHOW, NOT YOURS!"

..... Actually I simply relocated Mr. Spider to the outdoors.


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitchkitty, nothings to good for a spider.
gym, smash that spider.
cute story, but smash that spider


----------



## 22606

Very amusing, moonwitchkitty and Gym.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

So much fuss over a little spider.


----------



## 22606

Great addition, Pumpkinhead


----------



## hallorenescene

that's the spirit pumpkin.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

My fiancee is _deathly afraid_ of spiders. I, on the other hand, find them fascinating. Combine that fascination with my twisted sense of humor, and I give the arachnophobes out there this food for thought:


----------



## hallorenescene

oh, and they do. they stalk and bite you. dangerous they are.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Ever wondered HOW that tiny head could hold enough "smarts" to be able to co-ordinate eight legs, So well and so quickly that they can run so fast , ex cetra?
This aspect of a spider in and of itself is enough for such a creature to gain my respect and awe.
But, if a spider is inside the house-proper and won't allow itself to be quickly captured for re-settlement, they have to die.
Home Defense spray seems to keep almost all of them outside.
This property is surrounded by trees,vines is and so over-grown like a jungle in the Summer (which makes it look very creepy!!) that if we had a big problem seeing a spider, we would have gone totally nutty many years ago! (Then what would I have to occupy my old age?)


----------



## hallorenescene

nope, just squish them. inside outside no respect


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Even if it could spell the word "Pig" in it's web?


----------



## Lilith's Demon

If I looked up and saw the word "pig" written in a spider's web I would be both amazed and insulted...

I've had several pet spiders... My favourite two were...









Mine even had the cute, little dimple, too.


----------



## 22606

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> Even if it could spell the word "Pig" in it's web?


As long as it was not some botched experiment combining the DNA of the two... Swinerachnophobia?


Centaurs, skinless wonders, and more


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

For maybe three Summers I would "duck" under a cobweb as I walked through one certain door to my house. Every nice night he would build the web, I would duck. The Spider actually had what looked like a clown face on it's abdomen, white image on a black backround.
A smiling clown with a rounded, pointed hat on it's head.
A local man retired, moved to Arkansas for awhile. He moved Back to Illinois when they came home one night, pushed the garage door opener and as the door came up, "something" was reflecting in their headlights from the back of the garage... the eyes of a very Big Spider!
It was a fairly new house too!


----------



## hallorenescene

gym, use the blow torch.
Lilith, ughhhh


----------



## Lilith's Demon

hallorenescene said:


> gym, use the blow torch.
> *Lilith, ughhhh*


What?! I had a safe spider cage with a secure hatch on top and I always got lots of attention when i would take it in to buy a cricket or two. Sometimes I would even get the cricket(s) for free.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

So many ways to die if you are a spider. The one way I accidently participated in was when I rolled a tarp out on the parking lot to re-fold it . A fair-sized spider had been rolled up inside, he scurried away but just as he covered a few inches of the hot black tar , his rear-end exploded! Too hot, I guess? Green goo escaped, he dead.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

The cutest spider I had was a Phidippus Jumper.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

I think we got them too. Or some that look much the same. They move So Quick! They are here, then they are there! Blink you miss the movement.


----------



## hallorenescene

gym, so many ways to die for a spider. one of them is me.
Lilith, there are no cute spiders.


----------



## Kilted Candyman

hallorenescene said:


> gym, so many ways to die for a spider. one of them is me.
> Lilith, there are no cute spiders.


Wow! I would recommend avoiding LA for a while


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Oh, come on. Google-image "cute spider" and you will see so many adorable spiders. 
Just for clarification, I may love spiders, and I would love to have a Cobalt Blue (gorgeous spider, but do not touch them), I do not, however, like them on me. I will kill recluses on sight. Widows I tend to leave alone, though I've not seen one in Chicago yet. They're here but waaaay less common than in SW Missouri. Most other spiders get a free trip to the outdoors. We actually have a resident spider living in our building. We leave it alone because it takes care of the oddly persistent fruit flies. Its an "art collective" of sorts...


----------



## hallorenescene

no need to google spiders, there are no cute spiders. to each their own though. I don't even know what a recluse looks like. if it is a spider, it's dead. aren't black widows deadly? why would you leave it alive?


----------



## 22606

The state trooper joke is pretty hilarious, hallo.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

If we had a classification here called something like "Evil Laugh Of The Day"... this would be where my evil laugh today originated : I was looking through a book about World War Two.
There was a photo of a German Tiger one tank completely destroyed in Normandy. How much explosive energy would it take to rip the entire turret from that tank, rip the heavy turret into at least three large pieces , plus the main gun, throw all of it at least 20 or more feet from the rest of the tank (These tanks weighed 50 tons)??
The caption under this photo had the name of the German soldier who was in command of this tank and the caption said:"He was killed in the explosion."
"You Think So?


----------



## 22606

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> How much explosive energy would it take to rip the entire turret from that tank, rip the heavy turret into at least three large pieces , plus the main gun, throw all of it at least 20 or more feet from the rest of the tank (These tanks weighed 50 tons)??
> The caption under this photo had the name of the German soldier who was in command of this tank and the caption said:"He was killed in the explosion."
> "You Think So?


That _is_ amusing.

What I found really comical years ago was an incident with a cemetery having problems with grave robbers, or so they thought, as plots were constantly being dug up; people were steaming, wondering how anyone could sink so low. The true culprit: groundhogs


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

hallorenescene said:


> no need to google spiders, there are no cute spiders. to each their own though. I don't even know what a recluse looks like. if it is a spider, it's dead. aren't black widows deadly? why would you leave it alive?


I made this little video a few months ago to show_ just_ how cute spiders are, Hallorenescene. You can see the brown recluse @1:28 in the video.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

A few yrs ago our local graveyard looked as if a herd of cattle had run across it- Ground hogs!? I thought maybe it was vandals? But vandals aren't ambitious enough to turn that much sod for" giggles."


----------



## hallorenescene

gym, garth, good chuckles.
pumpkinhead, spiders are cuddly? really? looks like I need a few brooms. they do make nice goo on the bottom of your shoe.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

I'm with you Hallo.. Ick to the spiders that and a good shoe


----------



## hallorenescene

moon, we are crusaders. death to the icky things


----------



## 22606

Neat video, Pumpkinhead. I think that some spiders actually _are_ cute, particularly the furry ones. With its smug expression (just look at that maniacal 'smirk'), this one appears to be plotting what to do with you two, hallo and moonwitchkitty


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, bite your tongue! now if we die of a spider bite, how will you feel then?


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

I think nobody could refute the cuteness of these spiders:


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

On the other hand, I think EVERYBODY can agree on the terror inspired by THIS spider:


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Arachnophobia isn't limited to humans:


----------



## 22606

Those spiders are adorable, particularly the first 
"Up next, [email protected] spider vs. Godzirra in a winner-take-all brawl..." 
I really like the last one, Pumpkinhead.


----------



## hallorenescene

nope, not a cute one in the bunch
poor giraffes. been there


----------



## moonwitchkitty

ick!!


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my gosh, I can't believe it. I found a cute spider. I had to share with you guys


----------



## hallorenescene

oh, and yet another cool spider. look at all the pretty colors. look fast. oh to late


----------



## hallorenescene

how about some random humor. I don't think I posted this one before


----------



## 22606

Cute and colorful 

This spider really needs to find another barber and ditch that awful, multicolored bowl cut...


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

> how about some random humor. I don't think I posted this one before


Good one, Hallorenescene.

Nice one Garth. That one 's called a peacock spider; they raise their abdomen like that when they feel threatened. Very colorful.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

too funny Hallo


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Okay, last spider post, I promise.

Does this qualify as a cute spider?









Then there's this pair of bedroom slippers to help you get over your arachnophobia









And lastly, one of my all-time favorite Far Side comics


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, I think you out did mine. good one.
dang, that looks like my cat. only thing missing from that picture is me up there with it. 
pumpkin, that is half a$$ cute. there isn't really a spider like that? right? 
and no possible way would I wear those slippers. you know, I don't mind fake spiders, I use them a lot in my haunts, but I don't think even fake spiders are cute really. and although I use fake spiders, I still would not, ABSOLUTLY not wear those atrocious slippers. I want to smack those.


----------



## ScaredyKat




----------



## hallorenescene

scaredykat, haha.


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## Lilith's Demon

I love that Teenager one, Hallo! But something tells me that most teenagers who were to see that would suddenly "forget" a lot of things... If I ever have kids I'm so printing out a poster of that and giving it to them for their 16th birthday(s). I'd do it for my cats but they would just look at it and give me a "meh" look as they rolled over and went back to sleep. Damn, their cuteness is overwhelming!

Spider squirrel. Spider squirrel. Does what ever a spider squirrel does. 
I WANT A PAIR OF THOSE SLIPPERS!
You know there is a connible out there looking at that spiders on a slide cartoon and thinking "Hhhmmmm. Veal."


----------



## Lilith's Demon

hallorenescene said:


> and although I use fake spiders, I still would not, ABSOLUTLY not wear those atrocious slippers. I want to smack those.


I think my toes just curled up under my feet in fear.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

So I just got great idea to save money! A lot, if not most, people these days use smartphones of one kind or another. I just got my first one a month ago so yes, I, too, am one of them now. One of my Xmas gifts from my wife was a stylus pen. I've seen some of these thing be pretty reasonably priced whereas others are down right outrageous in cost. Soooo... Say that you were able to acquire somebody's finger. Don't know how you got it or whose it is, that is up to you. But if your annoying neighbor or coworker shows up missing a finger, I didn't see a thing... Stay with me here as all of this will tie up in the end... Anyways, Take said finger, a couple pieces of small electrical wire taken from any newer electronic device, a thin metal rod that can be found in pretty much any household electronic device that has moving parts, an exacto knife, a button cell battery, and electrical tape. First, cut metal rod to be about half an inch shorter than the finger when straightened out and insert the metal rod into the finger along the bone. Make sure to push the bar all the way down to the tip of the finger, and that the finger is free from any unnecessary fluids and let finger harden overnight, if not already stiff, and then continue. Using the electrical tape attach both pieces of electrical wire with one being on the + side of the button cell and the other on the - side. Leave the other ends sticking out free from restraint. Remove coating from the free ends of the electrical wire and "fray" the copper filaments by untwisting them. Place button cell over the severed edge of the finger and tape into place. Take the exacto knife and make an incision starting on one side of the finger near the severed edge, going down to the tip, around half way to the other side of the finger. Repeat this on the other side of the finger but do not connect the two incisions. Now press one of the wires into the cut until you reach the tip. Do not insert the frayed end into the finger just yet. Do this with the other wire on the other side of the finger. Make sure that no part of the embedded wire is sticking out. Once this is done, wrap electrical tape around the finger starting up by the button cell, but stop when you've reached the last knuckle before the tip of the finger. Use the non-sharpened edge of the knife blade to gently work the rest of the wire into the cut, but allow the frayed filament ends to just barely stick out. Press down with your finger on the frayed filaments sticking so as to flatten them down onto the surface of the finger. make sure that none of the filaments from the two wires are touching each other. CONGRATS! You just completed your home made stylus. To sweeten the deal, Give it to the person who donated the finger in the first place. They will love it and be so impressed. They'll tell their friends. Next thing you know, you will have complete strangers knocking on your door holding tupperware containers with ice and fingers in them wanting one of their own. You'll be a hit! A star! The talk of the town! 

Um... Did I mention that I write horror short stories?


----------



## hallorenescene

Lilith, after reading your story, I hope you put on those slippers, I think you need a smack. and leave my fingers alone.


----------



## 22606

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> Okay, last spider post, I promise.
> 
> And lastly, one of my all-time favorite Far Side comics
> 
> View attachment 190247


At this rate, ne-vah!!

I like that, Pumpkinhead. 



hallorenescene said:


> Lilith, after reading your story, I hope you put on those slippers, I think you need a smack. and leave my fingers alone.


Hahaha. Well, LD, I think that _you_ may now go missing a finger (or getting a certain one directed at you)...

Lots of great additions.


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## Pumpkinhead625

hallorenescene said:


>


Could have been worse. He could have found this:


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Another strange thing found on the floor of an old house is burnt flooring where the place was once on fire, just a "Bit".! I bought a house, popped the attic access to see what was what and severely charred wood surrounded me! I was not "Happy" to find this.
they used to lay down newspapers first when they installed linoleum. Sometimes those ancient papers can be a hoot to read. Especially seeing the prices on things way back then.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

A block from me is a 1840 deserted brick building. There is a whole wall in it's upstairs where people took to writing their names, dates, ex cetra.
There is a man's name there (Someone else wrote) Then it continues:"he was an honest man, he only took what he could carry!" Dated 1879?


----------



## Lilith's Demon

hallorenescene said:


> Lilith, after reading your story, I hope you put on those slippers, I think you need a smack. and leave my fingers alone.





Garthgoyle said:


> Hahaha. Well, LD, I think that _you_ may now go missing a finger (or getting a certain one directed at you)...


I'm sorry. I guess I got a bit carried away with that one. Many years ago I started writing little things like that to entertain friends... It can be deleted if needed.


----------



## spiderqueen

Lilith's Demon said:


> I'm sorry. I guess I got a bit carried away with that one. Many years ago I started writing little things like that to entertain friends... It can be deleted if needed.


Don't delete it! I found it amusing. And it's not like anyone could actually think you're serious! I thought it was a pretty cute way of poking fun at people's reliance on technology and tendency to come up with "inventions" that have basically zero usefulness or just make things harder than necessary. And with an appropriate horror twist. I was reminded of Stephen King's sense of humor. 

/fiction reviewer


----------



## hallorenescene

don't delete it. I just had to pick back on you. it was good. but do leave my fingers alone. okay?
oh, and I thought you were a girl, now I know you are a guy. double smack on those tarantula slippers. now both feet will have curled up toes. hahahaaaaaa


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Thank you  Glad I misunderstood.

Yep. I'm a guy. There is a picture of my wife and me in the "What does a haunter look like" thread. Lilith is one of the main characters in my main novel series I'm writing. Its more science fiction than horror, but there's a little of that in there too. Lilith is very important to me. The name Lilith's Demon stems from the other main character Demens (Latin) and his often unsolicited nickname of "The Demon" I started a thread called "Taking a chance... as it were" that has a snippet from the story in which I debut one of the creatures that they will have to contend with, though this particular creatures time in the book is short lived, he does foreshadow others like him.


----------



## hallorenescene

well, you write interesting stories. and i'm pretty sure i saw you in the look, haunters thread.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

This is me Halloween 2012. Its right after the parade. My wife took a pic as two antelopes felt me up.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I think I'll pass on the swim, thank you.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Lilith's Demon said:


> This is me Halloween 2012. Its right after the parade. My wife took a pic as two antelopes felt me up.


Ah, the rare and elusive Chicago antelope.


----------



## hallorenescene

cool picture of you lilith. all smiles, i don't think you are minding the antelope. lol.
a sign should be posted, no sheets in the pool. too funny


----------



## Lilith's Demon

hallorenescene said:


> cool picture of you lilith. all smiles, i don't think you are minding the antelope. lol.
> a sign should be posted, no sheets in the pool. too funny


I was lucky and very happy that their hands didn't get _too_ personal. However, they were enjoying themselves.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Lilith's Demon said:


> I was lucky and very happy that their hands didn't get _too_ personal. However, they were enjoying themselves.


HANDS??? Don't you mean hooves?

Personally, I'd rather have a sheet in my pool than have a pool in my sheets


----------



## Buggula

aka Self Service - I can totally relate.


----------



## 22606

Amusing additions.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Cats may be smarter, but dogs are loyal.

I found this picture online and added my own caption:


----------



## 22606

That is awesome, Pumpkinhead

Pure maliciousness wrapped in a fuzzy little package


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

OMG, that is one evil looking cat.


----------



## hallorenescene

buggula, cute
garth, that was a riot. so cats are smarter huh? not always. 
when we got our cat we named ... sargent simba bolo ...or better know as ... sargent lion killer, [garth, i think you have heard of him before] he bit our dog, our dog bit him back. he bit the dog again, and the dog bit him back. he bit the dog a third time, and the dog took a big chunk out of him. he never bit the dog again. 
pumpkin head, good one


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I don't know what this is but if zombies attack I want it!


----------



## spiderqueen

That looks like the same cat from one of my all-time favorite images:


----------



## hallorenescene

spiderqueen, it does look like the same cat.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

It is. That is Colonel Meow. Some consider him one of the four cats of the apocalypse.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Yeah, sometimes you have to wonder about cats...


----------



## Lilith's Demon




----------



## hallorenescene

oh my gosh you guys, those are some good ones. lol.


----------



## 22606

Great contributions


----------



## spiderqueen

Haha I love that one with the chihuahua. "It's behind me... isn't it?" So awesome. 

While we're on the subject of cats...


----------



## hallorenescene

spiderqueen, that is so true. and what pretty black cats they are.


----------



## 22606

Heh. Good one, spiderqueen.


----------



## pir8p3t3

Probably bad humor. I feel for the people in Atlanta, but my twisted sense of humor found this funny.


----------



## 22606

pir8p3t3 said:


> Probably bad humor. I feel for the people in Atlanta, but my twisted sense of humor found this funny.


You are not alone in being amused by that. Personally, my warped sense of humor is among the _very_ few things about myself that I would not change, although even some here probably wish that it would go


----------



## hallorenescene

pir, years ago we lived in Decatur. my mom would go into Atlanta for work. one time it took her 2 hours longer coming home because it snowed a little. lol.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

This design of tractor is for traveling over soft earth (treads) yet pulling a very big plow and takes a lot of horsepower and wheels would be spinning if it had tires.
The black metal box to the right on the back is where the plows and other tools attach.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I lived in Joplin, MO for 11 years. Most years we would get about 6 inches of snow TOTAL for the entire winter season. Then in 2011 we got a foreboding 2 ft of snow in one night... they didn't know how to handle it... In short, I think that is funny too! I love snow!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Wow! Winter is really coming after us this year!


----------



## hallorenescene

wow, that is pretty bloody funny lilth.


----------



## 22606

Those are great, LD.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Lilith's Demon said:


> Wow! Winter is really coming after us this year!


Yes, winter has gathered it's forces....









And they've resorted to genetic mutations...









Which, in some cases, have turned on their creators...










And just when it seems that all is lost......


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

.......We rally our forces to turn the tide...

















until we finally have them on the run...









and besides, spring is just around the corner


----------



## 22606

All are amusing, Pumpkinhead.

When Muppets go on crime sprees... The sketch actually got the man caught, though







http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-livi...-to-arrest--who-s-laughing-now-190724380.html


----------



## spiderqueen

Haha those winter ones are awesome. I think snow and winter need to die a horrible, fiery death! I actually have a picture somewhere of somebody killing a snowman with a flame thrower, which is actually something I'd really like to do myself. I'm not sure where that picture is though... so for now, I'll leave you with this.


----------



## spiderqueen

Here it is!


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that is to funny
spiderqueen, that works for me
pumpkinhead, no snowmen in my yard


----------



## 22606

I agree with hallo. The flamethrower picture is _so_ fitting, spiderqueen.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garthgoyle said:


> I agree with hallo. The flamethrower picture is _so_ fitting, spiderqueen.


Yes...makes me wish I had a flamethrower of my own. But, then again, if I _did_ own a flamethrower, I'd probably try some harebrained prop idea and end up getting in trouble


----------



## 22606

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> But, then again, if I _did_ own a flamethrower, I'd probably try some harebrained prop idea and end up getting in trouble


_Backdraft_ meets _AFV_


----------



## spiderqueen

I, too, wish I had a flame thrower. I have a friend who has one and would gladly join me in melting a snowman with it, except he's lucky enough to live in southern Arizona, where there are no snowmen. Someday after I live there again as well, we'll have to make a trip to Flagstaff or somewhere up north, for the sole purpose of making a snowman and then killing it.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garthgoyle said:


> _Backdraft_ meets _AFV_


LOL, too funny Garth. The first thing that comes to mind is something along the lines of "The darker side of ABC family"


----------



## 22606

spiderqueen said:


> Someday after I live there again as well, we'll have to make a trip to Flagstaff or somewhere up north, for the sole purpose of making a snowman and then killing it.


Muuuuurdereeeerrr!!



Pumpkinhead625 said:


> LOL, too funny Garth. The first thing that comes to mind is something along the lines of "The darker side of ABC family"


"And, in related news, Michael Eisner, former head of Disney, goes goth..."


----------



## 22606

_The Most Awful Deathbed Confessions You've Ever Heard_ (a 'College Humor' skit mostly making fun of pop culture): http://screen.yahoo.com/college-humor/most-awful-deathbed-confessions-youve-165217175.html. I was hoping to find this on YouTube so I could post the video itself, but I did not see it there, hence the link format.


----------



## spiderqueen

This cracks me up.


----------



## 22606

I cannot stand her to begin with, so I find that doubly amusing, spiderqueen


----------



## spiderqueen

Yeah, I don't think you're alone in not being able to stand her.


----------



## 22606

A funny song that a friend turned me on to recently:


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garthgoyle said:


> I cannot stand her to begin with, so I find that doubly amusing, spiderqueen


Agreed. She's a prime example of why today's pop music industry sucks.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> Agreed. She's a prime example of why today's pop music industry sucks.


 I love Jonathan Coulton (well his music anyway)...especially "Creepy Doll".


----------



## hallorenescene

nicky minaj? I don't know her. I like barbies though. and potato heads. hey, should I be offended. 
no gath, don't make me watch that again. your friend already put me intune with that. lol.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> nicky minaj? I don't know her. I like barbies though. and potato heads. hey, should I be offended.
> no gath, don't make me watch that again. your friend already put me intune with that. lol.


To sum up her 'musical' act, she is like a prostituting Barbie clown, hallo. Do not bother getting to know anything more if you value your sanity

Heh. Twice as nice... or not


----------



## spiderqueen

". . . a prostituting Barbie clown"


----------



## Buggula

spiderqueen said:


> ". . . a prostituting Barbie clown"


I've seen tattooed Barbie.


----------



## 22606

I love the tattoo that says just that, _tattoo_ Certainly never would have guessed...


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

An 11 yr. old girl coming through my house (Ravens Grin Inn) gave me a Barbie She had modified as a "Punk-Amputee" missing an arm, replaced by a Pirates hook , a patch over one eye, a black "Leather" officer's cap... 
I have it standing on an old bench full of a large amount of things and "Stuff", but if someone messes with this doll the micro-switch hidden under her will send current across the room to make a loud buzzer go off!
I made a display (took pictures too) of our bright yellow 4-door Jeep, stripped -down no doors or roof, with "Mad Barbee!" standing in back dressed in my own design of a faux-military costume with a faux 30 Cal, machine gun mounted to the factory holes in the roll bar. The "Gun" is Pink and on the ammo box it says :"Mad Barbee!"
I parked this a block away for the Car-Cruise one Saturday afternoon and night.
then I displayed Mad Barbee and her gun alongside my house where you have to "look" to notice it, and a local Senior photographer took many of those Graduation Senior pictures with Mad Barbee in the back round, usually for a Senior girl.
"Yes, Mom, Dad, world, this is my alter-ego, so Don't mess with ME!"
Proud to have accidently provided that opportunity!


----------



## 22606

That is pretty funny, Gym. Wise idea altering the spelling of the name on the ammo box...


----------



## spiderqueen

Frightening, hilarious, and adorable all at the same time: the demon puppy!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Baby werewolf ^^^^^^


----------



## hallorenescene

I think the dog is cute. just misunderstood


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Speaking of cute dogs....


----------



## hallorenescene

yikes. now if they had made the gremlin movie with that dog instead of the cute little furry guy, nooo, that movie would have bombed.


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## pir8p3t3

hallorenescene said:


>


That's Awesome!


----------



## 22606

I love all of the latest additions

p.s. I'm wearing an octopus on my head because I can. That's why.


----------



## WitchyKitty

Great posts lately, guys! Lol. 

(R.I.P. Colonel Meow, world's angriest cat, feline overlord, dictator, leader, scotch lover and world record holder for longest fur on a cat...you will be missed...  )


----------



## WitchyKitty

I've seen this going around by my friends on Facebook...it's so true, hahaha!


----------



## 22606

Too true, WitchyKitty


----------



## hallorenescene

thank you garth. for some reason even though I made it bigger, it was hard to read the ps. funny, where I copied it from you could read it.



witchykitty, iowa weather hurts. instant headaches, can't take a deep breath, and your face hurts. heck, everything hurts


----------



## 22606

No problem, hallo.
That is funny. I hope that Bieber winds up there soon and gets a 'treat' from Bubba each morning...


----------



## spiderqueen

WitchyKitty -- a friend shared that image with me the other day and I had to share it on my FB too. As an Arizonan in Montana, it is the most truthful thing I've ever seen! And exactly why I'm moving back to Arizona! 

So are you saying that the "Pet Sematary" cat is dead?


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## WitchyKitty

spiderqueen said:


> WitchyKitty -- a friend shared that image with me the other day and I had to share it on my FB too. As an Arizonan in Montana, it is the most truthful thing I've ever seen! And exactly why I'm moving back to Arizona!
> 
> So are you saying that the "Pet Sematary" cat is dead?


He's not the pet cemetery cat (though he was probably intimidating looking enough to be in that movie, lol) his name is Colonel Meow, but yes, he passed away on, I believe, the 29th of Jan due to heart conditions. He was such a cool looking cat. He had his own Facebook page and many, many Memes on ICanHazCheezburger/LOLCats. Poor little guy. His minions are heartbroken.


----------



## WitchyKitty

Sigh...it's snowing...again. This is how I feel today:


----------



## 22606

Some of those on the plaque are very true, hallo.
Fitting, WitchyKitty.


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, now which ones aren't true?
witchykitty, it did this awful thing again today. I can't say the word though, because it might think I'm calling it and come to visit once again. it makes a mess everywhere, and never cleans up after itself. someone else has to clean up its mess. you would have thought mother nature would have taught it better than that.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, now which ones aren't true?


I was going to say that sweatpants are just not sexy no matter what, but then I remembered the controversy surrounding sheer yoga pants, which are essentially a cousin to them I was wrong, so please accept my apologies


This is one of the funniest things that I have seen in ages:


----------



## spiderqueen

Mondays can be fun, depends what you're doing. Not everyone works Monday-Friday, some of us work weekends (or rotating weekends) and have Monday off to do fun things. Sadly I don't anymore since I started school -- I don't have any days off.  But I used to have rotating Mondays off and that was pretty great. 

Also, there are some people who, when you say goodbye to them, you'd rather it be longer than just until tomorrow. Maybe permanent. 

As for sweatpants being sexy, some people are just sexy no matter what they wear!

But the thing about girls causing drama and guys being confusing. OMG YES.


----------



## spiderqueen

Oh, and regarding the Pet Sematary comment, I was referring to the image I posted with the golden retriever and his suspicious facial expression when Colonel Meow was sitting next to him. Too bad the freaky little guy passed away. I guess he was really young for a cat too (yeah, I Googled it).


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that video must be over my head, I don't gat it. is it political? I'm not into politics, maybe that is why I don't get it.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> I'm not into politics, maybe that is why I don't get it.


Just take it for what it is - nothing more than a goofy clip involving a pint-sized Hillary Clinton becoming the Hulk


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

QUOTE=spiderqueen;1587879]But the thing about girls causing drama and guys being confusing. OMG YES.[/QUOTE]

The late, great comedian George Carlin had one of my favorite quotes ever....


----------



## 22606

That is hilarious, Pumpkinhead.


----------



## spiderqueen

Haha that could be true. But I don't like to think that men are stupid... I have always gotten along better with men than my own gender, so I've never wanted to generalize them to be bad in any way. I actually love men! It is with great reluctance, and after two years of having the worst luck in my love life, that I've finally come around to the conclusion that men might be stupid after all.


----------



## WitchyKitty

spiderqueen said:


> Oh, and regarding the Pet Sematary comment, I was referring to the image I posted with the golden retriever and his suspicious facial expression when Colonel Meow was sitting next to him. Too bad the freaky little guy passed away. I guess he was really young for a cat too (yeah, I Googled it).


Oh, I see, lol.
Yeah, he was only 2 years old.


----------



## spiderqueen

In keeping with the winter theme that this thread has had lately.... 

Wanna know how bad the accumulation of snow is here? On my way home from work tonight, I literally saw a man skiing down the street. I kid you not. Skiing! In the street! It cracked me up.


----------



## 22606

Skiing down the street? That _had_ to have been amusing, spiderqueen.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

spiderqueen said:


> In keeping with the winter theme that this thread has had lately....
> 
> Wanna know how bad the accumulation of snow is here? On my way home from work tonight, I literally saw a man skiing down the street. I kid you not. Skiing! In the street! It cracked me up.


I believe it. My fiancée lives in west central Michigan, and they've already had over 100 inches of snow this winter. That's a _LOT_, even for that part of the country.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Mount Carrol, Ill. was listed for many years in the Encylopedia as the coldest place in this entire state. This Winter we have seen (felt) almost no temperatures above "0"--15 above zero, and at night the wind chill is often 15 to 35 below zero!
SNOW!? I asked a 93 year old farmer if he had ever seen such a Winter/snow? No. never like this one.
The people selling and repairing furnaces and fuels should have many bucks by Spring!
Climate Change?
Yes, I do think so.


----------



## spiderqueen

Can I have a little global warming over this way, please?


----------



## hallorenescene

spiderqueen, I hate men. lol


----------



## HallowSusieBoo

hallorenescene said:


> spiderqueen, I hate men. lol


Well - they do make nice corpses….


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> spiderqueen, I hate men. lol


Sheesh... More venomous than a black widow is this one


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

hallorenescene said:


> spiderqueen, I hate men. lol


But...but.._.I'm_ a guy.......how can you hate me?***sniff****sniff***.. ....you don't even know me


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Well, the direction this thread is taking is beginning to scare me, so let's change things up, shall we?

I found this late one night a few weeks ago. I don't know if it's because it was late and I was tired, or if I was just in a goofy frame of mind, but when I saw this, I literally could _not _ stop laughing for 5 solid minutes.


----------



## spiderqueen

Maybe that would be funnier to me if I were a Star Trek person.... but I totally know what you mean about seeing something and, for some reason you can't explain, not being able to stop laughing. That's what happened to me when I saw this one, and I have no idea why it was soooo hysterical to me the first time. Something in his facial expression, I guess.


----------



## 22606

Those are both hilarious, Pumpkinhead and Spiderqueen


----------



## hallorenescene

Susie boo, you crack me up. wait, maybe you're not kidding. maybe I wasn't. and yes, yes, they do make good copses. lol. to funny.
pumpkinhead, I like you just fine. after all, you are just words on the page. lol. I like men fine, I just wanted some interaction. you know, some random humor. get you guys stirred up. anddd, how can I hate anyone that posts a trek joke so funny. 
garth, are you saying I should spit, the venom might kill me?
good one spider queen. I get it. I'm still trying to get the Hilary one. garth, I just can't seem to roll with that one.
oh poor son, he just found out who his dad is. bummer


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> I'm still trying to get the Hilary one. garth, I just can't seem to roll with that one.


Not a big Hulk fan, I take it? How can anyone _not_ love a huge, angry green monster (or, in this instance, a pint-sized one)? It is just something stupid that I happened to be quite amused by


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Today after I handed a $20 to the elderly cashier, she spent her time studying the likeness of Andrew Jackson, holding it up to the ceiling lights (So far away!) I finally asked her:"Are you trying to see through his clothes?"
"Wha???"
Then she began laughing. She couldn't stop laughing. She was still laughing as she tried to make sense of the change in her hands she was trying to count out for me.
As we walked out of the store my Wife and I were laughing!
Maybe she had spent half of her life with a schoolgirl crush on Andrew Jackson? But never got to see his chest hair!
Keep staring! We all had a good laugh and it was over something So illogical and extremely stupid, that it felt good surrendering smarts for happy.


----------



## spiderqueen

If there were only one president whose clothes I would NOT want to see through, it would be Andrew Jackson.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Back in Joplin my wife worked at a Mays Drug Warehouse... There was a really sweet elderly lady (60+) that worked as a cashier a couple days a week. This store had many regulars and one of them happened to another elderly lady that was close friends with the cashier. One day while my wife was facing the wines, the two ladies were talking with each other during a lull in business. They always had several jokes that they would share. On this day the cashier looked at her friend and said, "Oh do I have a boner for you!" to her friend. My wife and I joke about it to this day.


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, I like the hulk, I just can't put Hilary in the hulk light. 
good one on the droids.
gym, I'm going to have to remember that one
liliths, cute story


----------



## 22606

Gym and LD, both are quite hilarious.

My worst experience involving money was when I was cashiering and a very overweight woman reached into her bra and pulled out a sopping wet, balled-up wad of cash and handed it to me. Having it tucked away there would have had me reaching for the sanitizer to begin with, although the fact that the cash had taken a _major_ sweat bath made the experience even more troubling


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

In Florida I stopped in a store to buy just a very few items. I was in the "10 items or less" line. The elderly woman running their register would slowly pick up each item, turn it so slowly over and over looking at it as if she was just very interested in each item ("I've never seen one of These before, I wonder what it could be? I might want to buy one of these for myself.") By the time she eventually decided to quit fondling the product and push those cash register buttons, So Much time had passed it was ridiculous!
Maybe she was a living , breathing "artist" of the surreal?"
Maybe 5 yrs. ago my Wife and I were out late in a 24 hr. Wal-Mart. A very old woman was at their register , she rang everything up the total came to $103.oo. She said , "May I see an ID, we have to check you out if you are over 100."
I said, "I didn't think that I looked to be a day over 95, myself."
She opened her old mouth So Wide, and began laughing (which was Good)
She had No Teeth at all and her wide open mouth was bright "Pink" and reminded me of a snake's mouth, and I'm suddenly forced to keep looking to see if any poisonous fangs are in there waiting for me!
"Scary!!"
If I outlive my teeth and have no "Dentist Money", I'll carve out some snake fangs for myself from hardwood and hope the termites don't find me when I'm sleeping with my mouth open.


----------



## 22606

That is funny as hell, Gym


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that was gross. ewww. 
gym, please afford dentistry. I would be irritated at that slow cashier


----------



## spiderqueen

hallorenescene said:


> please afford dentistry.


This reminds me of an "Engrish.com" quote! Haha no offense, Hallo


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, that was gross. ewww.


Yes, it truly was. Try being the one forced to take the money, not just _reading_ about it 



spiderqueen said:


> This reminds me of an "Engrish.com" quote! Haha no offense, Hallo


Heh. My Spanish teacher used to sometimes tease us and say 'Spanglish', which he should have patented; instead, Hollywood got to make all the money using that combo...


----------



## WitchyKitty

Thought these were cute and funny:














Now I wish to put wings on all of my cats...


----------



## 22606

Amusing, Witchykitty. I am sure that the cats will love you for doing that... Then again, you could always catch yourself a flying squirrel and spare them the meow-
sery


----------



## WitchyKitty

Garthgoyle said:


> Amusing, Witchykitty. I am sure that the cats will love you for doing that... Then again, you could always catch yourself a flying squirrel and spare them the meow-
> sery


Yeah. probably as much as when I tried to put capes on them, or when I tried to put witch hats on them, lol. Neither attempt was very successful...
Flying squirrels are so squeeeeeeeeeeeeee! My mom has them at her house in the front tree, she feeds them, lol.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Sometimes I think my cats have invisible wings... sometimes they agree.


----------



## 22606

That cat looks capable of some pretty nasty things, LD Pleasant dreams...


In honor of Valentine's Day (and VDs everywhere), I present this gem


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

I found this on Bing, and I added my own caption









And I thought this was hilarious


----------



## 22606

I have seen both before, but they are still great, Pumpkinhead


----------



## WitchyKitty

I simply have not been able to stop giggling over this...I can't help it, I don't know why. (Yes, I am a Harry Potter fan.)


----------



## hallorenescene

Lilith, I think that cat is serious
garth, that is very romantic
pumpkin, that kitty bat is just the sweetest thing. 
that spiderdog is one ugly creature. I mean ugly. just ugly. 
witchykitty, poor hairy. what a good show though


----------



## spiderqueen

I have a new image I would really like to post here, but I'm afraid Larry would probably frown upon it.  Guess I'll just go with this one for now.


----------



## 22606

That _is_ funny, WitchyKitty.
I thought that yours had something to with the basketball game and was like "huh?" until I took a better look, spiderqueen Amusing pic.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garthgoyle said:


> That _is_ funny, WitchyKitty.
> I thought that yours had something to with the basketball game and was like "huh?" until I took a better look, spiderqueen Amusing pic.


Yeah, it took me a few minutes to figure it out


----------



## 22606

This dog was easily the best aspect of _Spin City_, what with always looking ridiculously pathetic and doing everything in its power to meet its demise


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Smart cars for the Snowpocalypse















Personally, I prefer this one. Paint it black, matte, gloss, or satin, I don't care.


----------



## spiderqueen

Smart cars are just embarrassing. Good idea, incredibly dweeb-like design. I remember my friend once saying that it would be awesome to have an air-powered car if he were a millionaire, but he would never drive any of the ones they actually designed because he would get his lunch money stolen every day (and he's in his 30's).  Just an amusing quote that stuck with me. But seriously, could they have designed those cars to look any geekier? LD, you would probably love my friend's hearse. That last car reminds me a bit of it, and is probably something this particular friend would also love. I think I'll share that picture with him.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

I guess smartcars _may_ have have a small part in the zombie apocalypse:









I like this one, with a Halloween flair:









And you can always go retro:


----------



## 22606

Heh. I want a winged hearse now... The only catch is that they must be fully functional.


----------



## spiderqueen

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> View attachment 191827


I know who owns that hearse. He's actually friends with my other friend with the hearse.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

spiderqueen said:


> I know who owns that hearse. He's actually friends with my other friend with the hearse.


Cool. I found this pic doing a search of zombie survival vehicles a few months ago.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> I guess smartcars _may_ have have a small part in the zombie apocalypse:


Yeah they will... as ammunition! 

God I wish I had a hearse. A few years ago when we still had a car to sell a friend pointed out a 1980 Mercury Grand Marquis Station Wagon/Hearse... Oh btw, I LOVE the Mercury wagons of the early 80s and the 70s... Sooooooo. I called the guy and he was rude and wanted WAY too much for it. All I can say is that I hope it went to a good home. I believe I have a picture or two of it. I even have a character in my main novel designed after said Mercury Wagon/Hearse... Long story, no pun intended.


----------



## spiderqueen

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> Cool. I found this pic doing a search of zombie survival vehicles a few months ago.


Yeah, I think that picture has made its way around the 'net a bit. I've never met the guy who made it, I just know who he is through my friend Russ, who owns the other hearse I was talking about.



Lilith's Demon said:


> Yeah they will... as ammunition!
> 
> God I wish I had a hearse. A few years ago when we still had a car to sell a friend pointed out a 1980 Mercury Grand Marquis Station Wagon/Hearse... Oh btw, I LOVE the Mercury wagons of the early 80s and the 70s... Sooooooo. I called the guy and he was rude and wanted WAY too much for it. All I can say is that I hope it went to a good home. I believe I have a picture or two of it. I even have a character in my main novel designed after said Mercury Wagon/Hearse... Long story, no pun intended


Heehee.  

Russ' hearse is from the 50's and was actually an "ambulance" because hearses and ambulances were identical back then! But because it was a medical ambulance he told me that it came with a larger motor or something that was reserved for medical vehicles back then. These days it's shiny black and has a very industrial goth look to it and is freaking AWESOME. I think I love that car almost as much as he does. He has briefly considered selling it in the past and my reaction was, "Don't you dare sell my hearse!" While I prefer the cars of the 50's like his, the one you posted pictures of is also really cool! That car is basically the epitome of the word "hearse" -- instantly recognized by all. 

So your novel has a "character" based on a hearse? Sounds like something I'd like to read.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Sounds like he has a hearse I would love to have. Find out what year it is exactly and any other info like if its a Chevy, Cadillac, Buick, etc. I have a book on Professional vehicles with a make to make year to year thing going on. From the first up to when the book was printed. I might be able to tell you what engine it had put in. Lole!

As for my character... well I hope he is as popular as I want him to be. On the outside he looks pretty much just like that picture... on the inside however... He is kind of unique in that he is a growing consciousness/A.I. kinda of thing. Alien tech in basic human tech. Trying not to be too specific. My main novel is a science-fiction with hints of fantasy, a gallon of horror, a few cups of gore with sprinkles of top, evolution, and revolution. My two main most characters are a rather gothic-styled alien and a mutating girl infected with the same thing that made his kind what they are. There's notes of classic goth (sorry no sparkly vampires here), industrial, punk, cyberpunk, and yes even a few drops of steampunk, all mixed up with my own personal taste of mixed level technological development... Oh, I think I'm bordering on thread hijacking here... Sorry


----------



## spiderqueen

He gave me the specifics of the engine or whatever once, I just can't remember. He would know if I asked him. When he gets a chance, he wants to make a few modifications to the interior to make it more of a goth ambulance theme inside, so I got him some glass IV bottles from work. If you look at the IV bottles they used in the 50's, the ones I got are actually pretty similar. 

That sounds really weird, unique and interesting! One of my all time favorite movies is Christine, so an intelligent hearse sounds pretty awesome. The rest sounds interesting too. So is this novel still in progress or is it finished? And can it be bought on Amazon or something? 

I suppose we have kind of strayed from the topic of this thread, but at least we are being friendly and not causing drama! Here's something humorous related to the current topic of conversation.


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, the second dog one was funny.
some interesting looking cars. I like some.


----------



## 22606

spiderqueen said:


> I suppose we have kind of strayed from the topic of this thread, but at least we are being friendly and not causing drama! Here's something humorous related to the current topic of conversation.


No biggie. I have seen that sign before, but it is always amusing.



hallorenescene said:


> garth, the second dog one was funny.


Thanks, hallo. The show itself was hit-or-miss, although Rags never failed to entertain.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Since we've been on the subject of hearses...









And I liked this one too...


----------



## 22606

I really like that first one, Pumpkinhead


----------



## 22606




----------



## spiderqueen

Not much to say about this one...


----------



## Lilith's Demon

^^^Confusing but funny nonetheless.^^^

Now this is just like being at my home.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

And now, for something completely different.

With the Olympics is drawing to a close, I thought some hockey (or rather hockey _fan_) humor is in order:


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

And kudos to team Canada for winning the gold


----------



## hallorenescene

you guys, those are some great ones


----------



## 22606

Great additions.










Dropping a deuce, swimmer style


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

LOL, love the 'dropping a deuce" one Garth.

And Hallorenescene, I match all the criteria listed except for the "never ever sleeps" part


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> View attachment 192137


*Here is a little known fact. That sign actually belongs to the guy to the left of the sign whose face is partially hidden.* Lole 



Pumpkinhead625 said:


> And Hallorenescene, I match all the criteria listed except for the "never ever sleeps" part


Be careful, there, Pumpkinhead. Brains will kill ya. Sure it goes down smooth and comes out even smoother, but the cholesterol! Not to mention all those neurochemicals it produces.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Lilith's Demon said:


> Be careful, there, Pumpkinhead. Brains will kill ya. Sure it goes down smooth and comes out even smoother, but the cholesterol! Not to mention all those neurochemicals it produces.


What's a little kuru among friends. At least I'll die laughing


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> What's a little kuru among friends. At least I'll die laughing


Alright. you've convinced me. I want some too. I'll grab the ice cream scoop.


----------



## 22606

"Those midnight cravings are a real killer."

How much to rent his services for a couple of hours, LD?


----------



## hallorenescene

yikes, the size of that guys brain, was it even worth going after.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Can't remember how much he costs. But for the real show one must merely kill him before he finishes his show. Ok, ok, I really liked the movie "Stitches" except for one scene concerning a cat. Other than that the movie was great!

Hey Hallo,


----------



## DarkManDustin

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen ? Linoleum Blownapart.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Oh, Darkman,


----------



## DarkManDustin

It looks like a tiny guy was squashed.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

DarkManDustin said:


> What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen ? Linoleum Blownapart.


Wow Dark...that was.......corny.....


....I LOVE IT !!!!


----------



## 22606

Awesome contributions. 


A (fake, unfortunately) wager:


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

"Linoleum Blownapart!" Reminds me of a painting I made. There is the famous old painting called "The Blue Boy".("Gainesboro') I made a boy dressed sort of like the famous work-boy but my "Boy" was pushing on a detonator handle for some dynamite!
The Blew Boy!


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones lilth
darkman, I like it
gym, clever one
garth, good ones. speaking of beiber


----------



## hallorenescene

and some more look alikes.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

That poor girl, Mylie. reminds me of when I was still in High School, we walked into a Tavern 70 miles from home, they had a Stripper performing, some drunks were yelling "Take it OFF!"
We began yelling , "Put it back on!"
The pathetic little stripper was so thin as to drop right off my "radar".


----------



## hallorenescene

I actually don't mind mylie. I think she is very talented, and very pretty. bieber I don't know, so guess I don't mind him either.
gym, ya think maybe the stripper had hurt feelings?


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


>


Hmmmm... I do not believe that they have ever been seen at the same time, so you very well may be on to something there, hallo.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Beware Beibs...youth is fleeting...


----------



## 22606

That is priceless, Pumpkinhead


----------



## hallorenescene

that probably is ... well.....it just probably is.


----------



## 22606

Disney goes ghetto...


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Well, the polar vortex has returned once again, and it's brought with it more snow, as well as other strange phenomena. There have been indications that bigfoot may have found it's way here:













And then, just this morning, this picture was taken on Rt. 32 near I-95:


----------



## 22606

Funny, Pumpkinhead. I never knew that they made Jordans in that size...


----------



## hallorenescene

pumpkinhead, you got some good ones.


----------



## 22606




----------



## hallorenescene

oh my, good ones garth.


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

OMG that is one [email protected]@ed turkey lol


----------



## 22606

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> OMG that is one [email protected]@ed turkey lol


Haha. I suppose so, now that you mention it.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

I've always been (and always_ will be_) a kid at heart. Sometimes I'll say (or do) something silly, and my fiancee will say "Grow up!", to which I'll reply "Why should I start now??"

I found these pictures online and added captions to them (including one of my favorite quotes).


----------



## 22606

Those are awesome, Pumpkinhead.










Here is a joke: I went to a doctor with fluid on the knee. His response: "You're not aiming straight."


----------



## hallorenescene

you guys, those are hilarious. 
we use to go to the movies and one of the adds that cracked me up was a long line outside a theater and in the line 2 adorable little old men. the 2 men were saying to each other....you're my best friend....you're my best friend too. friends for life. and then they get up to the ticket window, and the ticket lady says....we only have one ticket left. those 2 best friends start really going at it. they both want that ticket. then the ticket lady says...gentlemen...gentlemen, I think we can settle this. the next scene is inside the theater and the one guy is sitting on the other guys lap. and they are saying....you're my best friend.


----------



## 22606

The ad sounds very amusing, hallo.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

As a traveling salesman was driving down the road he stopped as a pretty woman seemed to be hitchhiking alongside of the road.
"Would you like a ride?"
"Sure," She sat down in his car.
"My name is Frank."
"My name is Wanda, but they call me "Wanda the Witch."
"Why do people call you that?"
"I'm called that because when men kiss me they turn into things."
"I don't believe that, give me a little kiss,said he.
.......
......... Sure enough! He turned into a Motel.


----------



## 22606

How random... I love it, Gym


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Have you ever wondered why sugar can rot your teeth really fast but being dead doesn't? I mean, I've seen thousand year old mummies with better, and more, teeth than the most of the people I grew up around.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

*Things I've learned:

1. Cats are more powerful than previously thought.









2. Even evil cats are funny.









3. They know... they always know.









4. There is a funny cat picture for almost anything.









5. Every day is Halloween when you have cats









6. This is why I have cats.






*


----------



## pir8p3t3

Not sure if either of these has been posted but:
For the Walking dead fans:









And for you pirate theme haunters


----------



## 22606

Good ones, LD and pir8p3t3.


----------



## offmymeds

sorry, trying to delete the patch one


----------



## 22606

I love those, offmymeds, especially the 'zombie chicken' one


----------



## offmymeds

oh good lord!! it took me forever to figure out how to delete that pirate patch one! 
Hope it didn't offend anyone,


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Need time alone for a romantic night together, or just simply to get some rest? Tired of hiring babysitters? THEN LOOK NO FURTHER! Weeeee have exactly what you need to keep those pesky interruptions out of the way! No more "I'm Thirsty!" or "I need to use the bathroom!" Keep you tots in their bed while you do... Do whatever you want! Try the new and improved Big Hugs by Sole Keeper! Made for kids, by kids!








Try also Sweat Dreams by Sole Keeper: The slightly electrified leak proof sheets with nightmare inducing trace chemicals that leave your youngsters mind open to only what you want them to know. Co-produced by the same wonderful people that brought you great products such as Ritalin!


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

I prefer 'The Far Side' child management techniques:


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Of course, when they've been _really bad_, you might need to teach 'em a lesson:


----------



## 22606

Those are perfect additions


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

As a young adult my adopted Son's co-workers were always amazed that they couldn't scare him at all? One day he finally told them:"You should have grown up in my Dad's house!"
"Come on boys let's go upstairs!"
I would run up the stairs, sneak back down, as they turned the corner starting up, there I was! (Old house with enclosed stairs with a door at the bottom.)
Or like the time I told my Wife to give me a minute or two , then pretend to get mad at my oldest , send him to his room.
I waiting a few minutes under his bed in an incredibly small space beneath it until I began shaking it up and down!
Yes, we had just been watching The Exorcist" on TV.
The best fear-reaction came from my little Brother when I caught him squeezing a tube of plastic model glue as hard as he could after he had already stepped on one tube as it laid there on the linoleum .
His mouth opened so wide as to rip his little face, eyes bugged , and a violent twitch made his face be two places at the same time! (and he was STILL Squeezing that tube of glue!)


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Reminds me of a game that my dad and I used to play.  Don't worry. I've changed the wheels and painted it a conducive shade of red since this picture was taken.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I vote turn right. I heard there was a walmart in Racoon City.


----------



## 22606

Pretty funny, Gym.
Both of those are awesome, LD.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Thanks! Hee hee, I'm fun


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Lilith, when I was in High School I was riding around with a guy I didn't really know that well, a few nights later his car , a white 55Ford had one fender pushed in but the headlight was still working. On this fender in black paint he had wrote "Killer" because he had ran over a man , and had killed him!
The dead guy was drunk crossing the street in a small town going to the next Tavern, so he didn't get grief for the accident.. but.. still, to paint "Killer" on your fender? After the fender HAD killed someone?


----------



## hallorenescene

that's pretty creepy gym.
pretty good humor everyone.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Ok, now that is seriously messed up. I know that I got a lot of weird stuff in my head but I could never do something like that. I don't even think I could get back in a car let alone turn the key for a long time if I had hit some one. Now I had tried to convince my wife that it would be funny to put fake blood on the front of the KIA Optima we had, especially since it had the fang/teeth grille that came on the 2003 model year. I wanted to put fake body parts and guts hanging out from under the hood to make it look like our car ate people. Something like that is funny and/or cool because it isn't real. What that guy did was wrong and suggests a severe detachment from his own emotional state and even his surroundings. IF he felt anything I would go so far as to say it was fear. Fear that he didn't know how to handle perhaps due to its intensity or even just a blatant extreme denial of what had happened. I knew some one who had hit a person before. They rarely ever talked about it and even though it had been decades since it happened they were tortured by it. Fake is fake. Making fun of something serious, like writing 'killer' after accidentally killing some one, is sickly wrong.

Sorry for the length of this post and for detracting from the humour of the thread. I've experienced too much because of car accidents. Stuff not for this thread or this time. I love cars and I really miss having one. I have a perfect driving record and exercised safety at all times.


----------



## 22606

Gym, perhaps that [email protected] later wound up getting hit by a vehicle and ended up either a vegetable or a smear on the road. Here is hoping, anyhow. 

I like your idea for the carnivorous Kia, LD.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Back to the subject of child-rearing.

Alternative therapy can sometimes be useful:


----------



## 22606

Fantastic contributions, Pumpkinhead


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Here is a 2003 KIA Optima. Mine was silver but you can see the grille design I was talking about and how it would totally work for the CARnivorous car.


----------



## 22606

Lilith's Demon said:


> Here is a 2003 KIA Optima. Mine was silver but you can see the grille design I was talking about and how it would totally work for the CARnivorous car.


Definitely...


"In other news, Vanilla Ice, Jr. is extremely excited about the Village People's upcoming reunion tour, seen here donning his father's hat while standing in line for tickets."


----------



## offmymeds

my screensaver................and look, no bad words! LOL


----------



## Buggula

Thanks to Toad in October for the images!


----------



## 22606

Those are great, Buggula.

That is one hilarious-looking bird, which I think that I may have found the owner of, offmymeds.









"Well?" "Your body Hulked out, but your head never caught up, brah."


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

I don't think the "Muscle" picture is real.. because I'm the only one with muscles like that. HAHAHAHAH!


----------



## offmymeds

too funny Garth! that poor man..


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garthgoyle said:


> Definitely...
> 
> 
> "In other news, Vanilla Ice, Jr. is extremely excited about the Village People's upcoming reunion tour, seen here donning his father's hat while standing in line for tickets."
> View attachment 193561


OMG, this is sooooooo funny, Garth. I can't stop laughing.


----------



## 22606

Thanks, offmymeds and Pumpkinhead. Gym, how did the paparazzi manage that picture of your reclusive self?


----------



## hallorenescene

some more good ones. you guys are a riot.


----------



## 22606

Sadly, that is about the truth, hallo


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

They ring the bell at The Ravens Grin Inn. The small hatch opens in the wall next to the door as a young adult fumbles in their money holder for the admission. As they look at me they haltingly ask me, "Is it scary living in a haunted house?'
Then I suddenly, loudly say:"God, Yes! Get me out of here!" They jump back with fear and confusion displayed upon their face.
The house tour has already begun... and the door has yet to open...(Insert evil laugh here~)


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Sometimes smaller children ask me more personal questions concerning myself, since all they see is my face/head and I have been known to say as they are looking at the exterior this large , old two-story house"This is just my head, the rest of the entire house is filled by my Body!"
Their "Wonderment" has just begun! (I do hope they are not just too disappointed when the door opens and they see me as an actual ordinary bodied person!)


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

But then there is this "Thing" I do more often than anything else at my ticket window which almost always does get a fearful reaction from nearly everyone ,then they laugh... but I won't be "giving that away", Sorry.


----------



## 22606

Amusing, Gym.

In honor of one of the most prolific voice actors, Hal Douglas, who recently passed away, I am going to post this gem:


----------



## hallorenescene

so garth, I should need therapy, I am no millionaire, but I'm dressed like one. maybe I'm a wanna be. lol.
amusing one garth


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> so garth, I should need therapy, I am no millionaire, but I'm dressed like one. maybe I'm a wanna be. lol.


Unless you are wearing a long fur coat, ridiculously high heels, and gold chains galore, you are good


----------



## offmymeds




----------



## 22606

Those are marvelous, offmymeds. The baby-headed dog reminds me of a scene from _A Nightmare on Elm St. 2_


----------



## hallorenescene

very good ones off my meds. the dog one reminds me of the old movie....body snatchers


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Today on Facebeast there was a story about The ***** Museum". I responded warning the poster of this to please quit reffering my pants this way! (And unlike other museums I do not have a free admission policy for Wednesday afternoons!)


----------



## 22606

The Poop Museum. Leave it to the Japanese...


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

On a crowded little island full of all those people, "sheet" might be much more important and talked about than here."Sheet" is how a Japanese boy pronounced that word when he came through Ravens Grin. I know I heard this correctly, he said it several times, sometimes in succession .


----------



## 22606

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> "Sheet" is how a Japanese boy pronounced that word when he came through Ravens Grin. I know I heard this correctly, he said it several times, sometimes in succession .


No one will be able to look at a ghost covered by a sheet in the same way again


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Well, spring has sprung.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Being the first day of Spring, I have the perfect joke me. 
Q. Why can't you tell secrets in the garden? A. Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.


----------



## 22606

Good ones.


----------



## hallorenescene

pumpkin, looks like iowa, guess we have another storm coming in.
garth, your robin one was very funny. gave me a good chuckle.


----------



## offmymeds

see it! touch it! smell it! EXPLORE. oh hell no, no way! 

I like that robin one too.


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my gosh, that is sweet. offmymeds, that is one to add to my gross food collection. thanks


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Well, Doctors and others tell us that some foods are killing us! (Just don't get that close to them,maybe?)


----------



## 22606

Glad that you both enjoyed the robin one, hallo and offmymeds. I guess that a trip to the scat museum can be ruled out, huh?

The Barbie-eating melon is phenomenal


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

For a few years, my Tavern neighbor had two toilets right next to one another in the Women,s Rest Room. There was no wall, just the two toilets about maybe 4 inches apart. This way hands could be held if it got too scary? I really don't know why they were installed like that? Some Very massive person could sit on both at the same time?


----------



## spiderqueen

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> For a few years, my Tavern neighbor had two toilets right next to one another in the Women,s Rest Room. There was no wall, just the two toilets about maybe 4 inches apart. This way hands could be held if it got too scary? I really don't know why they were installed like that? Some Very massive person could sit on both at the same time?


There's a bathroom in the hospital like that too. Always found that really odd. They say that bathroom is supposed to be haunted. I've tested this theory but have no evidence to support it. The two toilets are the scariest thing about it.


----------



## hallorenescene

yeah, well, I'd like to see 2 guys standing using those 2 toilets at the same time.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

There's the unusual...









...and there's haunted...










...and the there's _haunted!_


----------



## offmymeds

WTH on the first one? are those like rock climbing things on the wall? 

the second one... I can hold it 

and that last one is just wrong........but it looks like he has a package of cookies to enjoy


----------



## offmymeds

awww. what a little cutie


----------



## spiderqueen

Haha the rock climbing urinal is awesome! If I were a man I would totally do that.


----------



## 22606

spiderqueen said:


> Haha the rock climbing urinal is awesome! If I were a man I would totally do that.


Better be careful not to slip...

Great contributions.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

offmymeds said:


> awww. what a little cutie


And they come in different colors:


----------



## 22606

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> And they come in different colors:


Is there a mix-and-match special going on today? If so, I will take one of each...


----------



## hallorenescene

if there is a mix and match special going on, I only want one of each if they are rubber. really


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Every cat's philosophy. 
















I have no idea if this last one is an edit or not but it made me laugh really hard.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I watched this for almost a full minute until my face hurt... that is also when I realized that was someone's legs...


----------



## Lilith's Demon

You know that there's at least 15 cats there whose eyes didn't catch the light.









... okay... I'm done.  Blame my wife. She told me there were new funny cat pictures to see and well... My funny cats folder has almost 300 pictures...


----------



## offmymeds

Those are great, I'm kind of addicted to the cat pics as well.


----------



## 22606

You might want to work on your grasp of measurements, hallo...
The cat additions are hilarious, LD and offmymeds.


----------



## hallorenescene

lilth, some good ones. the cat onesie is very funny.
garth, you too, some good ones. that last one was way fricken funny.


----------



## Lilith's Demon




----------



## hallorenescene

lillith, that one is good.


----------



## 22606

Your builder seems to have some serious skills, hallo
LD, that sign in hilarious. I love how the sharpness of the edges is stressed over the bridge being out


----------



## offmymeds

Nice one Hallo, that sink is in the same restroom as those toilets! Really, how does that even happen??!!


----------



## 22606




----------



## hallorenescene

garth, love the kitty one.


----------



## spiderqueen

Awesome thing about that "sharp edges" sign is that the edges of the sign are actually rounded.


----------



## 22606

That is pretty comical, hallo.
It is the rounded edges that are most deadly, spiderqueen


----------



## spiderqueen

I mean I guess they could have meant that the entire edge is sharp like ice skate blades or something, but generally when they say something about sharp edges they mean the corners. Hilarious sign either way.


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## Lilith's Demon

^^^ Toilet humour ^^^


----------



## 22606

I just keep hoping that you did not pay your builder too much for his work, hallo That is funny.


----------



## offmymeds

haha, I like those Garth! 

Bad feather day


----------



## spiderqueen

Haha I love that owl... he looks so ticked off!


----------



## hallorenescene

curious George was always so cute, but very annoying. I like your jokes garth.
offmymeds, I agree, that bird does look ticked off.


----------



## 22606

Thank you, offmymeds and hallo.
The owl is less than thrilled about the reach between the toilet and the TP, methinks


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## 22606

Toilets, toilets everwhere!! Pretty funny stuff, hallo.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

hallorenescene said:


>


Hey I think I've used that bathroom! It was in one of our old trailer houses from when I was growing up, Lole


----------



## JustaBunchOfHocusPocus




----------



## 22606

Lilith's Demon said:


> Hey I think I've used that bathroom! It was in one of our old trailer houses from when I was growing up, Lole


Heh. At least you were not in an outhouse that got blown over (luckily, when no one was inside). Maybe I am wrong and it was not the wind, but the bees and snakes, tired of being driven away, ultimately deciding to tip it....

That is amusing, TheScary_Jackolantern.


----------



## hallorenescene

yikes, I think I've seen that toilet in a trailer as well. my daughter lived in a house where they put in their own toilet and plumbing. they ran the pipes above the floor. you had to sit with your feet between the piping. very uncomfortable.
garth, that was a good one. made me chuckle.
hey, my mom use to push over out houses when she was young. I was shocked! I thought my mom was the epitome of a saint. she never told us girls. she told my daughter. 
the scary, good corn flake one too.


----------



## 22606

They actually cut out a section of the door?! That is some serious ingenuity...


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, that still is just as funny as when pumpkinhead posted it on page 100. haha.


----------



## 22606

Sorry for the duplicate. I must be getting senile, too...


Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment. 

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. 

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. 

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.


----------



## hallorenescene

yeah, there's a lot posted here. and that is an exceptionally good one. now garth, go answer your mail. lol.


----------



## 22606

Thanks. Did my mail ask me a question? I was not aware that bills and junk can now speak...


----------



## hallorenescene

thanks for answering your mail smarty.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

ROAD TRIP!!!


----------



## 22606

Is that a coffin or a crypt?


----------



## hallorenescene

I vote coffin garth. Lilith, that's a sharp little car. and that's something I would do. lol. you know, where there's a will there's a way.


----------



## 22606

Well, the car could be super-reinforced to be able to hand the weight of a crypt...

The sign is pretty amusing, hallo.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Its a casket... that car could park IN a crypt


----------



## offmymeds

Nice toilets! Hope im never in the one where the TP is in another country from the toilet! 

this one is old but still makes me laugh


----------



## 22606

That is hilarious, offmymeds.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Bob: What’s the difference between a bad skydiver and a bad golfer?

Larry: You got me—what?

Bob: The bad golfer goes, “Whack! Dang!” and the bad skydiver goes, “Dang! Whack!”


----------



## hallorenescene

darkman, ouch. lol.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

25 miles from here, in December a local school teacher took his two young girls to see Santa. Santa was skydiving to arrive . Santa's chute did not open.
"Come on girls, Time to go home!"
"We want to see Santa! Why are we leaving without seeing Santa?"


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> 25 miles from here, in December a local school teacher took his two young girls to see Santa. Santa was skydiving to arrive . Santa's chute did not open.
> "Come on girls, Time to go home!"
> "We want to see Santa! Why are we leaving without seeing Santa?"


"Santa is lost. Xmas is canceled."


----------



## 22606

Amusing, Dustin and Gym.


----------



## hallorenescene

so that is why santa no longer comes to my house.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Santa could still be showing up as The Ghost Of Christmas Past. Imagine a big sack full of really old, but neat toys, now collector items worth much more than the catalog number$ in those thin-paged but thick books.
When my Dad was a kid toys were cast iron, one kid could have killed another by throwing it at them. By my childhood more toys were stamped steel "Structo" Steel trucks. You could just inflict a blood-letting cut? Then came plastic everything! You might pinch yourself if the plastic cracked as you pushed down on it and it caught some skin of yours.
There was a very old, spooky home-made wooden Doll in a drawer in my Dad's garage for many years. It was a very simple design, seeming to sort of make use of the natural shape of a certain part of a tree. It's legs and arms came to a point on the ends and were all movable because a nail went through the hips and shoulders. Slight black paint was covering just the tips of the hand and feet "points", the head was very round on the back (the natural tree-part) the face was flat as a board with some rusty tacks for eyes. The back of the head was also black. Every other part of it was just the natural wood itself.


----------



## 22606

Gym, I agree with you about the steel toys of yore, as I have a scar that I was gifted with by a metal truck when I was young. That doll sounds intriguing (and would be absolutely terrifying to most small children, I would think). 

Another treasure from good ol' Charlie Band...


----------



## offmymeds

Steel toys of yore? it wasn't THAT long ago!! haha


----------



## 22606

Heh. I like that, offmymeds.


----------



## hallorenescene

ha! a pms cop has nothing on a menopause cop. lol.
off my meds, I think that guy is bear meat.


----------



## 22606

If a picture is worth a thousand words, how many are these poor chaps' getups worth?


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my gosh, those are cat walks aren't they? those poor guys had to model them. what do you think they were thinking as they walked down the cat walk? lol. I'm to sexy for this garb, to sexy for this garb, to sexy for this garb. as I do my little cat walk, my little cat walk. garth, that you in the first one? looks like your shades.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, that you in the first one? looks like your shades.


No one was supposed to know...


----------



## hallorenescene

no reason to be embarrassed. you look coHOTugh. lol.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garthgoyle said:


> If a picture is worth a thousand words, how many are these poor chaps' getups worth?


How much are their getups worth? Their dignity, perhaps?


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> no reason to be embarrassed. you look coHOTugh. lol.


Might want to get that checked out...



Pumpkinhead625 said:


> How much are their getups worth? Their dignity, perhaps?


Yes, but the pay for that one day alone would likely be well worth it


----------



## offmymeds

Really? Would a man actually be seen wearing that stuff?? (besides that one time) And oh, for your pay, you can just have the outfits........


----------



## 22606

Great contributions, offmymeds


----------



## hallorenescene

off my meds, a deal one can't refuse. those outfits, so dreamy. you cracked me up.


----------



## Buggula




----------



## 22606

Hahaha. Magnificent, Buggula.


----------



## hallorenescene

buggula, those are great. the sheet one is to funny.


----------



## 22606

Why is it that _neither_ actually looks like her?


----------



## hallorenescene

I'm sure neither one are her. but the young one sure has an uncanny likeness. I like ellen. she was great in mr wrong. and remember when she use to profess tom cruise was her secret love. then she came out of the closet. hmmm. wonder how tom felt about that. well, nothing feminine about tom. I guess he was her mr wrong. lol. it's an unsolved mystery. I still sweat over risky business, and rock of ages. the reacher movie was his only bomb. loves me some tom cruise. 

oh, my bad, it was rosie odonnell who professed she loved tom cruise.


----------



## 22606

The only Tom Cruise-starring film that I liked was _Legend_, although I have never really given many of the others much of a chance. 

Patton Oswalt did a very funny bit about seeing _Jerry McGuire_ with his drunken brother, which starts around 2:48 (bit of language to it):


----------



## offmymeds

haha, that sheet one is great! 

I like Ellen too.


----------



## offmymeds

I laughed out loud at that Garth, funny!! 
My fav TC movie was A few Good Men


----------



## 22606

Glad that you enjoyed it, offmymeds. I could not find the other part of the routine that I was hoping to, but this one is also pretty good:


----------



## hallorenescene

a few good men was a very good movie. 
good one garth.


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo.

Happy Easter. Now, try to escape the grasp of the dreaded bunny...


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

YES! Show those Little One's the truth:"Life Can Be HELL!" Last night a family traveling from New York State to Hawaii stopped to see Ravens Grin Inn, they had a 9 yr. old Son and a 16 Month old son with them. When My Wife brought her dog into the room the 16 month-old screeched !
He loved the Dog! then he screeched a few more random times and the dog was looking at the baby with a puzzled look, his ears couldn't handle that sound!
(Mine either, but I was farther away than the poor dog.)
My old Bunnie costume scared people when my one helper would wear it, stand around a corner with his one hand extended. They would see his out-streched hand, grab it to shake his hand, he would grab back with a tight grip on their hand!
"YEEOOOW! (It's alive!) "And I won't let you go!"


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## 22606

Funny, Gym. I know what you mean about the dreaded screech...
Love that image, hallo


----------



## 22606

I was reading an article about the last days of a popular drummer who ended up OD'ing the other year, which in and of itself was not funny. A comment afterward, though, had me cracking up:


----------



## 22606

What the hell was this [email protected] teacher thinking, giving a student a lapdance in class? Good grief, Charlie Brown... http://news.yahoo.com/middle-school-teacher-provides-full-contact-lap-dance-203041332.html


----------



## hallorenescene

40 years old, wow! what was she thinking!


----------



## 22606

"But... but... the middle schoolers were relentless and _forced_ me to do it!!"


----------



## scareme




----------



## hallorenescene

scarme. so very true.


----------



## spiderqueen

Hey Hallo!


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Some Policemen I have known have to drink alcohol to achieve a sense of humor. I would have to suffer surgery to lose my sense of humor to be a Policeman, but then if they gave me laughing gas for the operation.....


----------



## hallorenescene

yeah gym, but then you would come out of the laughing gas, and where would be your sense of humor then.
I love it spiderqueen. thank you.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

About 1935 a school teacher took her car to a garage because it was making a "funny" noise, down in there somewhere". The mechanics pretty much ignored her, then told a 15 yr. old boy washing cars there to " Go for a ride with her to see what her problem was."
She drove, he drove, she seemed to be the only one on the planet who could hear that mysterious "noise".
"Quick! pull over here!" She demanded sternly.
She grabbed his leg and the rest became "history".
Speaking of this 50 years later he said the experience was rather lackluster by any standards.
Did this warp his young mind?
He spent most the rest of his life fighting his alcohol-Demon as he cleaned cars.
He could completely change the painted color of a car so well that experts of that "Day" couldn't tell it had happened, but he returned to merely cleaning cars in his twigh light years.
He eventually beat the alcohol........He was a friend of my Dad, even though my Dad Never drank.
The times the Teacher had lived in was when most Teachers were told to quit if/when they got Married. Couldn't have two paychecks in one family, that was greedy.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

took this today couldn't stop laughing


----------



## Bone Dancer

*I understand that style of cemetery is easier to take care off with not tomb stones to mow around, but it looks kinda sad to me. Everyone has the same metal marker. I want to have a stone marker, a proper tombstone. I also want to have a viking funeral, flaming boat and all.*


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitchkitty, that got a good chuckle out of me. very good one.
bone dancer, I want a nice stone too.


----------



## 22606

Amusing contributions. The animals can roast my carcass in the woods and make a meal of it for all that I care


----------



## scareme

BD, that gives me an idea. I need to start looking for my tombstone now. Knowing how cheap my kids are, we'd get a metal marker.


----------



## offmymeds

Cops just don't get the whole " It was just a joke" thing!


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Driving in the middle of Illinois I saw a license plate on a low, black 2-seater sports car-- M T DRK -1 I imagined a woman walking away from a guy in a bar saying,"Well! Aren't you an Empty Dark One!"
That was also when I saw the Oscar Meyer Weenie-Mobile pass me as it was being trailered. I passed it , video taped it going passed me, later put music with it, Robert Palmer's "Addicted To Love!"
Enough for a whole village of amazons!


----------



## scareme

offmymeds-love the Dead & Beyond one. You'd really have to catch it just right to get that one.


----------



## 22606

Funny, offmymeds and Gym.


----------



## hallorenescene

off my meds, that is an awesome plate. so if you want that on a plate, you would just have to add another...HA. lol
good one gym


----------



## 22606

Today's words of wisdom: "Flowers are cesspools of bee urine and hummingbird spit." - Grumpy Cat


----------



## offmymeds

^ haha, I love Grumpy cat!


----------



## 22606

Very amusing, offmymeds.


----------



## scareme

Garth, that gives me a new way to look at flowers. 

lol on the penguin


----------



## hallorenescene

poor penguin, just good it didn't shrink as well. 
garth, you can't deter me, I still like flowers.


----------



## 22606

I am betting that Christmas is a tie, what with all of the cats and dogs that wind up dressed as reindeer or elves against their wishes


----------



## offmymeds

Hahahaaaa, love those Garth


----------



## hallorenescene

we got matching sweaters for our cat and dog one xmas when my daughter was in about 3rd or 4th grade. they hated them. we thought they looked so cute. the next morning they both were sweaterless. when we moved out 3 years later, we found both sweaters behind the wood pile in the basement. go figure that one out. lol. I wonder if some don't mind though. I don't know. but I would never put mine in one again because they sure hated that.


----------



## 22606

You seemingly had a couple of geniuses on your hands, hallo


----------



## scareme

When we put a costume or sweater on our dog she wedges herself between the easy chair and the wall, and walks backwards until the outfit comes off, then leaves it behind the chair. I blamed the kids, until I saw her doing it.


----------



## hallorenescene

scareme, that's probably why we found ours in the wood pile. funny they both did the same thing. see garth, animals are geniuses. smart minds think alike


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

That "Sweater-Thing" can get you into trouble sometimes. As we were all just back in school after Christmas break, many were wearing"New Clothes" to show off in. One couple were sitting there in front of everyone, his arm around "her" when Lonnie, the school's professional smart -*** walked by and took one look at the happy couple and then asked "Tom" "What are YOU doing with "Joe's Girl?"
Joe had on the same fancy sweater as the happy couple,and he was sitting not far away either, a very rare thing to ever happen for him because he and his sister only bathed rarely if at all and 99% of their clothes were not anything that anyone else would ever want to copy or ever wear.
There must have only been three sweaters of that design, and all three were "Present and accounted for" (Unfortunately for Tom, who bought two of them)


----------



## 22606

Scareme, those antics are amusing, and I got a laugh out of your unusual experience, Gym.


----------



## offmymeds

hahaha!!!


----------



## Buggula

Bwahahaha !!!


----------



## 22606

Heh. That is hilarious, offmymeds.


----------



## hallorenescene

naughty, but hilarious. I can't believe he got fired though. if it was an honest mistake.


----------



## 22606

I doubt that he actually got fired, hallo. Someone found that picture and simply added the caption, I believe.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

OK, I think this will be seen as funny by most people, but maybe not-so-funny if an Ex of mine saw it.
I will call this:"THE Stupidest Scare EVER!" 
I installed the body.. of a 1950 Hudson car ..at a steep angle, displaying it to look as if it had came crashing into my yard (which is lower than the street) and it even completely knocked down my brick outhouse, part of it can be seen under the car body.
One day I took a pair of worn out blue jeans, filled one pant leg out to make it seem real, added a foot and one of my worn out work boots on the end of the leg.
I positioned the leg/foot/boot so is seemed as if the driver of the crashed car had pushed his foot right through the floorboards attempting to pound the brake peddle down.
It was daytime, nice day, my Ex was standing there, we were having a normal conversation. Then she SCREAMED! She had seen the boot & leg there as we were standing there talking. She screamed she said ... because .. she thought....the leg, the foot/shoe.. it was " ME ! ?"
I am standing 12? feet away from" ME! " MY whole body is standing there for her to notice and I am....
Standing..... maybe just 5 feet from her!?
... and she screamed , because she thought the foot and leg were MINE! "?"
Yes she did.
Can any of you beat this for " Extremely Stupid?"
Don't feel bad, if you can't. It is a Grand Prize Loser !


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, burger king scares the crap out of me. you mean Ronald scares the crap out of people too. 
gym, that's funny


----------



## spiderqueen

Yeah, the Burger King guy is pretty disturbing, actually. That Winnie the Pooh costume is hilarious. And Gym, I'll bet you're glad she's your "ex"!


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, burger king scares the crap out of me. you mean Ronald scares the crap out of people too.





spiderqueen said:


> Yeah, the Burger King guy is pretty disturbing, actually.


My mother thought the same of the King

That is tremendously funny, Gym. One day, she very well may be on the receiving end of a Darwin Award (death by sheer stupidity), I would say...


----------



## hallorenescene

spiderqueen, I agree, and the commercials were very disturbing. 
my family is pretty much into Halloween. well, my daughter not quite as much. we were at a family gathering, and the king came on. my daughter laughed and said...my mom [the Halloween fanatic] is afraid of burger king. it got real quiet, and then all 3 of my sisters and 1 niece spoke up and said he was very scary. lol. 
so a young man of 18 came into the gas station when I worked there at about 8:00 pm. he was a tall, stocky, I'm tough sorta looking young man. nice kid though. I joked and said...oh, aren't you brave to walk 3 blocks through the heart of the city to get a coke cola at this time of night. he laughed and said, yeah, stalkers and gangsters can't scare me away. and I mumbled, just stay clear the burger kings. he got real quiet, and he said....you know, that guy scares me. thanks loads, I have to walk home now with an image of him in my head. he scurried down the road quickly. his mom came in the next day, and I made a comment about her son and burger king, and she confirmed her son thought burger king was creepy. poor guy. 
garth, wasn't it you who made comment in a thread...what scares you...and I said burger king, and you said....well I believe that is one for only you. and a whole bunch piped up saying he was good for a scare.


----------



## hallorenescene

At work and Rene calls me into the kitchen sayin, 
Shekanah, 
come here I got a message for you..... 
This glove fell out of the box and was flipping everyone off haha, 
good laugh for a long day 



glad you thought it was funny. in case you didn't take it well, there was the blue alternative.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

The Burger King and Donald are equally scary. The King is a masked stalker that appears in the middle of the night or when you step out of the shower. He's standing there with both hands behind his back and you know that one hand has delicious food while the other has death. He could hand you a burger then sink a knife into your head or just stab you and take your body to make burgers out of you... Ronald however eats kids but has no qualms going after adults. He thinks it's funny and likes that the last sounds you hear aside from your own bleeding is his laughter. Adult skin is better for making those special shoes he needs for his deformed feet. Humans have the best souls for shoes anyways. "Mmmm, delicious and comfy,"


----------



## 22606

That is so funny about the King terrifying the tough guy, hallo. I have also found that lots of people seem to be incredibly petrified of him, which is likely why they do not have commercials featuring the character anymore

The glove's action is marvelous

Your write-up is hilarious, LD... and probably the truth


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Is no one making mention of some of those Burger King commercials where he happens to be sharing a bed with a guy?
Who would like to wake to find somebody next to them wearing a big plastic head/face with that expression on it? I would assume the worst. Some lunatic will be killing me within the next few precious seconds, then molesting my dead body for his sport!
AND, there just so happens to be a new movie coming out with Mr. Fassbender wearing a plastic head for the whole movie! VERY STRANGE to say the least!


----------



## 22606

Haha. The movie was made for 'fans' of the King and other mascots with oversized heads, no doubt


----------



## hallorenescene

gym, that's what I'm talking about. how scary, right? or you pull up the shade in the morning and some guy that looks like that is trying to look in your bedroom window, offering you a burger. you call the police. and the worst was where burger king was on a hover board, hovering over a baby's crib. that's very disturbing. that's just wrong.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Those Burger King commercial ideas were thought up by someone who considers wearing a mask-disguise to do these very odd actions which WILL upset most people who happen to be on the receiving end of them.. sounds like some person who might want to dress oddly, wear a mask and do impolite or scary things to others.
... could they be a person who likes Halloween? (Insert evil laugh here~)


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

*So Why Did We*

Become creeped-out by Mr. "King"? Maybe because Haunters have imaginations? Maybe this sometimes makes Haunters easier to scare than most people?
I have known a few who were hiding inside of their scary costumes, almost like carrying a real gun for protection, but being scared of what a gun can do?
Some haunt workers will costume as the thing they are the most afraid of. Woe be it for them when they are assaulted by their own image from a deadly.. mirror encounter! (Seen that too!)
A haunt owner confided in me that the one thing he saw the first time he took a tour of Ravens Grin that Really bothered and even scared him was something placed at the end of a couch... he kept an eye on it, waiting, anticipating it's attack of threatening movement to happen any second...
It was a murdering bedroll, rolled up, covered by a decorated beach towel, then I placed a "Toe-Shoe" on the floor as if it was actually someone's foot right there sticking out from under the towel, just a bit.... Scary! HAHAHAHA!


----------



## Chewbacca




----------



## 22606

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> Those Burger King commercial ideas were thought up by someone who considers wearing a mask-disguise to do these very odd actions which WILL upset most people who happen to be on the receiving end of them.. sounds like some person who might want to dress oddly, wear a mask and do impolite or scary things to others.
> ... could they be a person who likes Halloween? (Insert evil laugh here~)


By George, we have found the culprit! Round up a mob and hang him, hallo

That is hilarious, Chewbacca.


----------



## Chewbacca

How about this one?


----------



## offmymeds

Those are great Chewbacca!


----------



## 22606

Chewbacca said:


> How about this one?


Heh. I have seen that previously, although it never gets old


----------



## hallorenescene

ahh, that kitty is so cute. Chewbacca

garth, you mean hang gym?


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, you mean hang gym?


The King is out of the grease-soaked bag...


----------



## offmymeds

This reminded me of myself..................I hate it when things touch my feet in water...... (lakes)


----------



## 22606

That is certainly entertaining, offmymeds


----------



## spiderqueen

Thought this was amusing.


----------



## hallorenescene

off my meds, yep, I know the horses feelings. and if you stand still for a few minutes, little fishes will come up and start nipping at your legs. and then there are some places you go, and they have these ugly water spiders. they zip around real fast.
spiderqueen, that is a very good one. when we moved to Wyoming, the guy across the street would work on his car till wee hours of the morning. he would have his country music blaring. he would work in the street in front of his house. we asked him to hold it down. he blared it all the louder. so one day he was working on his car, and he went in the house, my hubby got his car and went and parked it in front of the neighbors car. then he got my car and went and parked it in back of the neighbors car. then he turned one radio blaring on the rock and roll channel, then turned the other radio blaring to religious music. and then he sat on our front steps and waited. the guy never came out for a long time. when he did, it was quick to turn off his car and go inside. we never had trouble from him after that.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

For the last year they have been rebuilding the entire west wall of an 1850 brick store building a block from my house. Instead of cleaning out, rinsing out their pan they mix mortar in, they wait until 7AM the next day, after the mortar had gotten rock-like, then take a big hammer and proceed to beat the steel pan to break it loose which is just like beating a defective, obnoxious large drum for my sleeping ears!
This job finally was completed just very recently, peace and quiet now? WRONG! At 5:30 AM a dumpster-diving idiot is dropping beer bottles back into the dumpster behind the Tavern closest to me making very loud "Bong!" sounds like a bell. He's searching for those couple of beer bottles that say they are worth 2cents if you take them back to Iowa 20 miles away!
Many years ago I realized my outdoor speakers (October only) could be very plainly heard on the next hill, like you were standing right beside them (Small speakers, not turned up much at all?) I disconnected them and never used them again, just trying to be a good neighbor and not stir up people over something so actually trivial to me.
Of course for awhile every time the person with the two large barking dogs moved away , off of that hill the next renter would also have two , big, barking dogs!?
This village can be a very quiet place to live most of the time. I'm probably spoiled when compared to the rest of the Big-Bad, busy world.
(Just so I don't smell "Spoiled!") haha!


----------



## hallorenescene

gym, hook the speakers up and say... you with the bottles, put them down very quietly, or I'm going to forget my drunken stupor, and throw my empty, 2 cents less bottles at you. ]
oh, and gym, iowa gives 5 cents on a bottle or can.


----------



## 22606

Hilarious posts, spiderqueen and hallo. Gym, I know exactly what you mean about sound carrying, as it is much the same when at my parents' place Up North; one of the bathroom mirrors actually cracked due to some [email protected] having their radio turned up ridiculously loud as their vehicle flew past


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

My early-morning post on FaceB.: "If you were in The Ravens Grin Inn within these last few weeks stop by, we found the $100 bill you lost, it was kicked or blown under a chair, just tell us how much money you lost and claim it. "Honesty Is The Best Policy!"

Most of the time this little downtown and this house are Very Quiet. When my Wife heard a woman crying in the front room a few years ago and I was sound asleep in the bedroom at almost the other end of this house....there was nothing else that it could have been.
I even tried screaming backwards through the copper speaking tube that goes outside to the entrance,but it didn't sound like anything at all inside the house.
I actually have designed many things here so as to Not have to have electricity to run or work or happen.


----------



## 22606

Good luck getting someone to actually be honest, Gym...

Regarding finding money, I always get a laugh out of this commercial:


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, I don't think gym is looking for someone who really lost money that was never really found. he's just using this as a ploy to try and lure people into his haunt. he figures lots of dishonest people will call and then he can get them to come.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> he figures lots of dishonest people will call and then he can get them to come.


Should be able to make a small fortune in no time at all if singling out dishonest people...


----------



## hallorenescene

lol, true. good luck gym


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

*It was "Manufactured" confusion.*

With me trying to seem stupid (or at least More stupid than I am!?)
Many years ago on a windy night a young Farming woman pulled money from her skin-tight jeans and a $100 dollar bill took off to never be seen again!
The parking lot here is about 90 by 120 feet, surrounded by woods, weeds and a drop-off down to more of the "same" (Woods & Weeds,and eventually a small river) Losing something as small and aerodynamic as a $100 bill is no "Trick", finding it again on a windy night would have been quite a "Trick"!
..... then a few years later.... as I was "policing" the cigarette butts and other parking lot refuse, I spied a small corner of a bill sticking, out, peaking out from under some wet leaves! I saw a "One, I saw a" Zero", ("It's that long-lost $100 dollar BILL~!" )
No, it was a ten dollar bill (just a mere 90 dollars "Short".
That ten-er wasn't even the right color anymore, what with the tea-leaf type influences from water and other weather.
I almost assumed I was hallucinating when I first saw it because of the odd color of it.
Foreign money? Left from the UFO that was allowed to park there late one night?


----------



## hallorenescene

gym, I think that was my $10.00 bill. could you please mail it back? it blew out of my hand on a windy day and I can describe what it looked like if you want me too.


----------



## Laurie S.

Most quality mantle pics, ever...


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> ...it blew out of my hand on a windy day and I can describe what it looked like if you want me too.


Hot pink with lime green specks and the president sporting five eyes that are black as coal

Those are fantastic, Laurie


----------



## Buggula

Can't remember if I posted this before or not -


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

YRS. ago a little girl coming through Ravens Grin handed me something that she had made for the "House". I still have it on-display.
It's "Barbie"(amputee model) half of one arm missing, replaced by a hook, a "Fin" of red hair on top of her head, black "leather" pants (made by wrapping black electrical tape all the way down her), and some other minor injuries......
Her "Hook" keeps her steady as it fits nicely around her dowel-rod for her pole dancing.
The little girl who gave this to me is all grown-up now.


----------



## 22606

Buggula said:


> Can't remember if I posted this before or not -


It is difficult to remember what has been added, I know... That is definitely amusing. 



Gym Whourlfeld said:


> It's "Barbie"(amputee model) half of one arm missing, replaced by a hook, a "Fin" of red hair on top of her head, black "leather" pants (made by wrapping black electrical tape all the way down her), and some other minor injuries......
> Her "Hook" keeps her steady as it fits nicely around her dowel-rod for her pole dancing.


Funny, Gym, especially that last part.


----------



## hallorenescene

buggula, Barbie reminds me of goldie hawn in laugh in.
laurie, those are good ones


----------



## Laurie S.

.....................................................


----------



## 22606

What the hell?! That is hilarious, Laurie.


----------



## scareme

Laurie, I'm dying to know the story behind that one.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Wow that guy looks so much like my brother Travis when he was younger.


----------



## spiderqueen

Laurie's recent post reminded me that I should post this.


----------



## hallorenescene

spider, that is a very good one. 
lauie, I would love to know the back story on yours too.


----------



## Buggula

Not sure if this is plus or minus when it comes to selling a house .......


----------



## hallorenescene

buggula, that one is a riot. the play on dodge and reeder played into it.


----------



## Buggula

I wondered if someone would pick up on that....lol!


----------



## 22606

Good ones, spiderqueen and Buggula. 

A bit of backstory: WWF used to stand for both World Wrestling Federation and World Wildlife Fund, although the latter took the wrestling federation to court and wound up winning, which meant that they had to change the name. If they would have learned to work together, this is what _could_ have been


----------



## Laurie S.

I came across that gem of a picture in this link:

http://pulptastic.com/22-pictures-where-i-have-absolutely-no-idea-whats-going-on/

It's chock full of awesome.


----------



## 22606

Hilarious, Laurie. These have got to be two of my favorites The man on the horse sure does look an awful lot like the guy from eharmony, which makes it all the more amusing...


----------



## hallorenescene

lauri, that liknk was chock full of good ones.
garth, 2 good funny ones. you're right, that guy on the horse does look like the guy from eharmony. now is it any wonder why people can't find dates through them. lol.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> ...you're right, that guy on the horse does look like the guy from eharmony. now is it any wonder why people can't find dates through them. lol.


It appears that he is far too busy horsing around Groan-worthy, I know...


----------



## hallorenescene

now that made for a good chuckle. seriously.


----------



## spiderqueen

I feel like some of those are kind of obvious what's going on in them. For instance, the cat being sprayed down in the shower. However, that does not make it any less hilarious!


----------



## 22606

That has got to be the most pathetic-looking cat...


----------



## hallorenescene

that poor kitty. wipe that smile off your smiley face garthy.


----------



## 22606

I will let Al Bundy and friends answer that, hallo


----------



## hallorenescene

well God bless their little souls. somehow I could see you donning a mask and standing right behind them. lol.


----------



## Wolfbeard

I had posted this in the coulrophobia thread a little while ago, but I think it fits here too. A kid left his stuffed Elmo toy behind in our haunted barn one year, with my "Twins." I could not resist posing this Photo Op. It is funny yet disturbed at the same time. 









Eric


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> well God bless their little souls. somehow I could see you donning a mask and standing right behind them. lol.


Heh. Some days, yes...

That picture is superb, Eric


----------



## hallorenescene

wolf, I have always loved those clowns of yours. but I do fear for the stuff elmo is made out of.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

"Random Humor" ?
Last night three came to see the Ravens Grin House Tour.
One had been here once before, a "local boy" --Man, now and his Wife and their nearly adult Son.
I can adjust my front room routines to fit the particular group of people the situation presents me with, but , of course to do this I sort of "Tippy-Toe" around the edges of certain things.
I guess I needn't have been cautious with them though... they quickly roared with laughter when I touched upon some slightly "adult" humor, (Very mild according to our society's present entertainment standards)
The "Wife" has several degrees in "Psychology", and she knows how to really roar a laugh! (Nice!!)
Unlike most of my patrons, they will be living just a few short blocks away from me! (Good for more potential laughs!-Yeah!)
I'm really planning ahead now, but maybe someday she could even be called upon to testify at my Sanity hearing! (You know, that whole "Psychology-Thing")


----------



## 22606

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> I'm really planning ahead now, but maybe someday she could even be called upon to testify at my Sanity hearing! (You know, that whole "Psychology-Thing")


I do not know how tomorrow is "really planning ahead"


Mattel needs to get on this _immediately_


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

I knew Barbie's free & Easy lifestyle would catch up to her... so which social disease was her downfall?


----------



## Wolfbeard

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> I knew Barbie's free & Easy lifestyle would catch up to her... so which social disease was her downfall?


I don't know, but I can probably come up with a list of them after seeing this photo posted earlier!












Eric


----------



## hallorenescene

I like the Barbie hearse. leave Barbie alone though. I like Barbie. I still have all my old Barbie dolls. many fun hours with Barbie and friends


----------



## Laurie S.

This is a letter sent home to his Mom last year chronicling the 8 year old boy's first experience at camp. It could be the best letter in the world...



























It's from www.scarymommy.com


----------



## 22606

That letter is freaking hilarious, Laurie


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

I know an art-therapist who works with kids. The Fart and fart jokes are always ice-breakers getting them to talk, sort of like a"Tool". Sort of an air tool.


----------



## hallorenescene

an air tool gym? that's a good one.
laurie, that letter is a riot. 
I had a friend who could fart tunes. he use to ask us to name that tune. the disgusting part was we could


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

My Mother just got home from the grocery store. It was a Summer afternoon fairly warm outside, the groceries included a bag of potato chips, I opened them and the air inside was very chilled from the grocery store's air conditioning?
I started a belch that just kept on going and going and going, one very loud, long belch! (There were witnesses!!)
It was amazing!
Have any of the rest of you ever had this happen before? Cold potato chips making a very long belch? I normally was never much of a belcher at all.
One of life's mysteries!


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

My Dad was always playing pranks on others. Maybe I came by it "naturally"?
"Here, Bob, I got you something,"I said as I handed my little Brother a large, brown paper bag.
("It sure doesn't weigh much?" Bob may have thought)
He opened the bag full-open, stuck his face over the open bag, looking, looking, seeing only an empty paper bag!?
Then he realized! The bag only looked "Empty"
I had placed a very personal thing of mine into that bag, one of my own Very Special.. fart!
Invisible Poison that attacks the victim's nose!
Gotcha again, Bob!


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> I had a friend who could fart tunes. he use to ask us to name that tune. the disgusting part was we could


Fun times, I am sure...



Gym Whourlfeld said:


> Have any of the rest of you ever had this happen before? Cold potato chips making a very long belch? I normally was never much of a belcher at all. One of life's mysteries!


Heh. No, but, many years ago, a huge cup full of mixed sodas afforded me one that could have likely placed quite high on the Richter scale, much to the dismay of my mother, who was with me at the time; the best part was the stunned look on the face of an elderly woman who was seated quite a distance away


----------



## Wolfbeard

I had transported a donated casket, in a similar manner on my car, from the UCONN Health Center to the charity haunt for Easter Seals that I used to work at.

Eric


----------



## 22606

That is very funny, Wolfbeard.


----------



## hallorenescene

wolfbeard, that is to funny.
good one garth. all the young girls at work are on their phones constantly. very irritating.


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo. Constant phone usage/texting is a major peeve of mine, too. "I just took a monster dump, and my phone has a built-in camera, so I am going to grace you with a shot of what I left behind..." That pretty much _is_ what happened regarding one guy that I used to work with, but I did not have a cell phone, luckily


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Your feces-photo could turn into a real estate ad for flies! "Buz! wutz the adres Marge? I think I prefer that neighborhood, in our price range too! My Parents had a bungle -low like this before I was born."


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

I just wanted to give a quick shout-out to former Disney CEO Michael Eisner, and one of his many influences on Disney


----------



## offmymeds

^^^^^^^^That's just WRONG^^^^^^^^^^


----------



## 22606

offmymeds said:


> ^^^^^^^^That's just WRONG^^^^^^^^^^


Perhaps, but it is also quite amusing.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

LMAO @ Prince Freddy. Good ones Garth.


----------



## hallorenescene

walt is turning over in his grave. 
those are good ones garth. especially freddy


----------



## 22606

Thanks, pumpkinhead and hallo.


----------



## CemeteryGirl

had to find some to share!


----------



## 22606

Those are wonderful, CemeteryGirl. The squirrel certainly looks ready to come join the fun


----------



## WitchyKitty

Ahh, I have to share the squirrel one on FB, lol.


----------



## hallorenescene

cemetery girl, I love the last four. the very last one made me go...oh my God. and then crack up.
yeah, and I like the head. it's pretty creepy cool.


----------



## CemeteryGirl

thank you very much guys! the squirrel is awesome...what makes it the best is you can see his lil paws holding onto the mask! and that pumpkin pie one...you never look at pumpkin pie the same. XD


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## 22606

Amusing, hallo. I had that happen to me, too


----------



## Lilith's Demon

My wife found these. Had to share


----------



## spiderqueen

I guess the FEMA one is supposed to be ironic, but really, they are based in tornado country, so it happens! Part of the orientation for all students at FEMA's Center for Domestic Preparedness (Anniston, AL) is learning where and how to shelter in place, in case a tornado takes place while they are attending their assigned classes. Even for an emergency management agency there isn't much to do during a tornado but shut down, haha. 

-FEMA alumni- 

But anywho... not trying to be a know-it-all.... lol. I like the other three images, especially the first and last ones.


----------



## spiderqueen

Speaking of the CDP, this was highly amusing to me and my colleagues one morning while we were there, on the bus to our class at the crack of dawn.


----------



## spiderqueen

And this one cracked me up for a good ten minutes one night at 3 a.m. (Funny how everything is more hilarious when sleep-deprived!)


----------



## hallorenescene

lillith, those were pretty good ones. 
spiderqueen, the potato head is a riot.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Thanks. Love the cat.

I'm from tornado alley... specifically Joplin, MO


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Here are a few more signs:


----------



## 22606

The recent additions are all freaking fantastic. My favorite has to be the roach one, though


----------



## hallorenescene

pumpkinhead, my fave is the roach too. but they're all good


----------



## spiderqueen

Heheheheh.


----------



## hallorenescene

spider, good one. although I haven't read the book yet, but want to. loved the movie.


----------



## 22606

Haha. Awesome, spiderqueen.


----------



## CemeteryGirl

my applause for the twilight one! never indeed. more contributions!















yum yum cannibalism!


----------



## PoCoHauntGal

Raven's Hollow Cemetery said:


> Uh oh! What does it mean if I grew up watching Sanford & Son...and they were'nt even in reruns yet?
> 
> Anyone notice a sudden draft?





Raven's Hollow Cemetery said:


> That one cracks me up!


----------



## offmymeds

oh lordy, that church one is a scream!


----------



## hallorenescene

cemetarygirl, those are great.
poco, oh my.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Love Star Trek and all we get from it


----------



## hallorenescene

lilth, that's just fine, I don't want to talk to aliens either. lol. good one


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Three to beam up....eerrr...down?


----------



## 22606

Superb contributions, everyone

The next global phenomenon?


----------



## offmymeds

lol, ^^^^^ I hope not!


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my gosh pumpkin head, those are a riot. the first one made me laugh out loud. 
oh no garth, I'm with off my meds, i'll pass. blechhhhh. lol. good one


----------



## CemeteryGirl

since we are on potty humor, here's something i learned about through my food obsession!

























yuuum.


----------



## 22606

Those are spectacular, CemeteryGirl


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

LMAO, Garth and CemeteryGirl. Love the 'potty humor'


----------



## Lilith's Demon




----------



## hallorenescene

okay, good potty humor. but blech all the same.
lilth, cute cat humor.


----------



## 22606

Those are marvelous, LD

I found this tremendously amusing:


----------



## 22606

Spoiler alert: Closing shot from the most recent _Transformers_ film


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, the transformer one is hilarious.


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo.


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my lord garth, that is wicked funny


----------



## DarkManDustin

These are good.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Awwwe, Garth, what a cutie. How could you_ NOT_ want to hug it???


----------



## hallorenescene

darkman, good ones.


----------



## 22606

I like the skull burger, Dustin.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Thanks. The cane one, I like, because I'm visually impaired, and use one.


----------



## Paint It Black

I just finished eating a popcicle - the kind that has a joke printed on the popcicle stick.

Q. "What do skeletons order at a restaurant?"

A. "Spare Ribs."


Sorry, I couldn't help sharing it.  Hahahahaha


----------



## Buggula

Paint It Black said:


> I just finished eating a popcicle - the kind that has a joke printed on the popcicle stick.
> 
> Q. "What do skeletons order at a restaurant?"
> 
> A. "Spare Ribs."
> 
> 
> Sorry, I couldn't help sharing it.  Hahahahaha



Bwahahaha! Good one!


----------



## 22606

The joke is terrible, but amusing for that very reason, PIB


----------



## hallorenescene

I find the joke very cutesy. I like it paint it black


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

A skeleton walked into a bar and said to the bartender:"I have to get really drunk tonight, so bring me a few mugs of Beer and a mop!"
Maybe 10 years ago an actual news story was about some Brothers in Austria? Who could drink anybody under the table. One of them had a car wreck, was in the Hospital where it was discovered that he had Four Kidneys! 
Upon examination of the other Brother they found that he also had four kidneys!
Two walking, talking Kidney-Donar "Farms!"


----------



## 22606

That joke is entertaining, Gym. As for the brothers, I wonder if they are more of Schwarzenegger's illegitimate children...


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

And now for something completely different.


----------



## 22606

Those are all hilarious, Pumpkinhead.


----------



## frostytots

Here's my contribution for tdy.


----------



## hallorenescene

a hero unless it's your car. lol. love all three of them.

tdy?


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I wonder how much trouble I would be in if I did that to someone's car at work?

... I'm a cart attendant btw...


----------



## 22606

Mr. Bean after the nuclear fallout, frostytots?
Somehow, I just _knew_ that it was you who had me blocked in like that, LD...


----------



## offmymeds

This cracked me up


----------



## 22606

Very entertaining, offmymeds. I remember that (spoof) dating site.


----------



## hallorenescene

that is great off my meds


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Lole!


----------



## hallorenescene

Lilith's, that one is great.


----------



## CemeteryGirl

bored so more funnies!


----------



## 22606

Those are fantastic, Lilith's Demon and CemeteryGirl.


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my gosh, those are good cemetery girl. especially the sandwich. blech. lol.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I found these guys about a year and a half ago. Love their stuff. Here's 2 of my favourites. 





Ok so violent humor isn't something I really care for but I liked the above for some dumb reason...

Here is what they normally do. Robotboys


----------



## hallorenescene

very cute lilth


----------



## 22606

The first reminds me of a _Spy vs. Spy_ skit, LD, and the dance routine in the second video is certainly impressive.


----------



## frostytots

This reminds me of pretty much everyone I know.


----------



## 22606

Hahaha. I love that, frostytots.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

When I first found this I didn't think much of it...until I read the last line.


----------



## 22606

That is fantastic, Pumpkinhead


----------



## hallorenescene

pumpkinhead, that one is a riot. I love it.


----------



## Echo Sorceress

Ahahaha, oh my gosh, I love it. Thanks for sharing, Pumpkinhead!


----------



## 22606

Batman is someone to _never_ mess with...


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garthgoyle said:


> Batman is someone to _never_ mess with...


That's funny. Living up to his reputation as "The _Dark_ Knight"


----------



## 22606




----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

In a very lavish hard-cover , large book showing window displays in New York City, there was a picture of an old-time men's Barber Shop, full of all sorts of small detailings. 
There in the barber chair sat Superman! 
The Barber was very perplexed .. he was trying to cut Superman's hair!
As I remember the photo.. So much work went into this window display, making it look So Real, that using the same time and money, someone could have made a very good Haunted House!


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, the batman one is great. ya know, I never saw rosemary's baby. that came out when my sister was a teen. I was a chicken then. still am. lol.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, the batman one is great. ya know, I never saw rosemary's baby. that came out when my sister was a teen. I was a chicken then. still am. lol.


Thanks, hallo. I actually have not seen the original _Rosemary's Baby_, but I did catch the remake that came out this year, which I found entertaining; from what I have heard, the two are drastically different toward the end.


----------



## hallorenescene

kind of like 13 ghosts then huh? both good, but very different.


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> kind of like 13 ghosts then huh? both good, but very different.


Probably


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

I did see" Rosemary's Baby", when it came out (all those years ago) As my Wife and were walking out of the theater I said:"Did you see that horny little B------?"
I immeadiately discovered my Wife was still Very much lost in fear and confusion by the last scene. She got mad at my attempted humor.
Not the first time and not the last time someone would get upset by my merely trying to lighten the mood with a "funny" statement.
All humor is risk, you risk not being funny or risk offending them.
Maybe the movie makers just have to do a more thorough job of yanking my heart-strings? (I do seem to resist such yankings though.)


----------



## DarkManDustin

Here's one.


----------



## 22606

That is hilarious, Dustin.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVh9xgkWkoI

http://youtu.be/s_WxHbXWRbc


----------



## 22606

Both of those are quite amusing, moonwitchkitty. The guy in the second makes a pretty good Jason.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

laughed hard on that one


----------



## 22606

I loved how the older man with the dog thought absolutely _nothing_ of seeing Mr. Voorhees popping out of the water


----------



## DarkManDustin

Here are some good ones.


----------



## hallorenescene

good one garth.
darkman, hilarious


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch those cracked me up. the first one, no way would I even get on the elevator. and if I saw Jason, I would run. glad those guys didn't get hurt in the boat.
darkman, some more good ones. lol.


----------



## 22606

Those three are superb, Dustin


----------



## offmymeds

here's a few


----------



## Buggula

All those are excellent!


----------



## 22606

Heh. Those are great, offmymeds.


----------



## scareme




----------



## 22606

Love it, scareme


----------



## scareme

I love the expression on her face.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

.


----------



## darkhalf

I always get a kick out of this one.


----------



## 22606

Those are amusing, moonwitchkitty and darkhalf.


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## Lilith's Demon

Ha! That made my millennium! Lole!


----------



## offmymeds

hahaaa, that twister one!


----------



## 22606

Those are fantastic, moonwitchkitty.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Here's one of my favorite "Far Side" comics. The look on Dr. Frankenstein's face is priceless.


----------



## 22606

That is a good one, Pumpkinhead. Before I got to the bottom caption, I thought that Frankie was pointing at the lady's rump


----------



## offmymeds

LOL Garth! and that's why you don't friend your kids on facebook!


----------



## 22606

That is fabulous, offmymeds


----------



## hallorenescene

wow! there's been some good ones posted. one made me chuckle out loud, but that banana one made me roar.


----------



## 22606

I thought that these were just too funny. If anyone is incredibly fond of Obama and prone to being offended by jokes about him, please skip.


A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up – fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside. “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” the boy said. “He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama re-elected, but it’s too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city. He compares Obama to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself. He doesn't belong there; he can't get anything done while he's up there; and you wonder who was stupid enough to put him up there."


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, those are great. I need to post those to my brother in law.


----------



## spiderqueen

Do people really put turtles on top of fence posts like in that joke? That makes me sad. 
But here's a funny mental image to cheer me up.


----------



## hallorenescene

spiderqueen, I don't think people put turtles on fence posts. 
yep, I bet I could keep pace with that guy.


----------



## 22606

That is funny, spiderqueen. I bet that hallorenescene would have him beat if she were to see a large enough spider


----------



## hallorenescene

ha! garth, I would catch up to that guy and he'd better move aside, cause this baby don't stop. and in all honesty, spider makes me run, big spider makes me run faster.
garth, I told your Obama jokes at work today. the first joke they roared about, the second joke they thought was cute.


----------



## 22606

A comma is in the wrong place, but I love this _Dilbert_ comic


----------



## moonwitchkitty

all afternoon!!!


----------



## 22606

Good one, moonwitchkitty.


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones you guys


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Moonwitchkitty! 
Did you have a sense of impending doom all afternoon? Too many clouds in the sky? Strange feeling air surrounding you?
Sometimes we should be paying attention to the more obscure things around us to be safe.
Such as the tingling sensation some get just before lightning strikes them!


----------



## 22606

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> ... Sometimes we should be paying attention to the more obscure things around us to be safe.
> Such as the tingling sensation some get just before lightning strikes them!


I am pretty sure that my uncle got hit _three_ times, so his 'spidey sense' must be faulty


----------



## scareme

I hope I do this right. 

http://m.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-so-terrible-theyre-actually-funny-14-is-gold


----------



## 22606

Some of those are hilarious, scareme. Great list.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Homer Simpson Ice Bucket Challenge;
http://mashable.com/2014/08/27/homer-simpson-ice-bucket/?utm_cid=mash-com-fb-main-link


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Hilarious stuff, Scareme.




DarkManDustin said:


> Homer Simpson Ice Bucket Challenge;
> http://mashable.com/2014/08/27/homer-simpson-ice-bucket/?utm_cid=mash-com-fb-main-link


The link doesn't work.

EDIT: Ironically, the link in my quote works. LOVE IT !!


----------



## 22606

I have not watched _The Simpsons_ in ages, but that video is fantastic


----------



## DarkManDustin

Try this. http://youtu.be/kYNPtDbykp0


----------



## hallorenescene

okay all you people, you got some good ones there.


----------



## DarkManDustin

This is good. Skeleton driver prank. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FXgokniKNE4

Also look up Headless Driver Prank.


----------



## 22606

That is funny, Dustin.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Tommy Cooper was a British comedian. Several jokes on the list (just back aways) were his jokes.
There is a list somewhere of the 100 most popular jokes. Some very well known funny people will only have one or two of their jokes on that list. Tommy Cooper has 15.
Tommy is no longer of this world, but you can enjoy him on You-tube.
He had his own style and almost always wore a red fez. We have laughed long and hard at many of his routines.


----------



## hallorenescene

I prefer to errr than to arrrr. lol. good one garth


----------



## CemeteryGirl

i saw this, and figured everyone here could appreciate it.


----------



## offmymeds

hahahaaa, Halloween for Jesus


----------



## WitchyKitty

Omgoodness, hahaha...December...lol...


----------



## 22606

That countdown is marvelous, CemeteryGirl


----------



## hallorenescene

oohhh, hallloween for Jesus. I like this.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I love this!


----------



## hallorenescene

Lilith, that is a good one.


----------



## 22606

That is amusing, LD. They can try, but I doubt that I would taste very good, being so bitter


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitchkitty, those are good ones. the first one, I visualized garth laying there. lol...hahahaHAHA.
he started it


----------



## 22606

Heh. I like all of those, moonwitchkitty.

If anyone can explain how the image ties in to the blurb, you will win an invisible gold medal...


----------



## hallorenescene

I guess I don't win a gold medal, unless they are using the animal in it.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Garthgoyle said:


> Heh. I like all of those, moonwitchkitty.
> 
> If anyone can explain how the image ties in to the blurb, you will win an invisible gold medal..


OOOH ! OOOH ! I got it! The prostate supplement is made from dolphins.


----------



## 22606

Pumpkinhead625 said:


> OOOH ! OOOH ! I got it! The prostate supplement is made from dolphins.


That is one possibility. Another is that the dolphin's nose takes the place of a doctor's finger (if so, poor critter)


----------



## TheCreepster

Could Somebody delete this post? I accidentally did two and the second post I did worked, so this is no longer needed on here. Thanks!


----------



## TheCreepster

I always found this poem funny


----------



## 22606

Heh. That is amusing, TheCreepster.


----------



## TheCreepster

Garthgoyle said:


> Heh. That is amusing, TheCreepster.


It's too bad the writer of this poem is unknown. Credit all goes to him/or her/or it.


----------



## hallorenescene

I think the writer might have been Jeffrey dalmer.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

hallorenescene said:


> I think the writer might have been Jeffrey dalmer.


Nah, Dahmer preferred fresh bones..


----------



## TheCreepster

Well whoever came up with it was pretty clever. Who knows, maybe bones really do taste like scones... Not that I would know - or would I? HeeHeeHee!!!


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## 22606

Those are entertaining, moonwitchkitty.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

love those Garth too cool


----------



## 22606

Thank you, moonwitchkitty.


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitchkitty, those are really cute.
okay garth, those got a chuckle out of me. 
good ones you guys


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Love the cookie monster


----------



## 22606

Those are awesome, moonwitchkitty. I love the first


----------



## hallorenescene

it's okay, I think it's funny. i'll laugh for both of us.


----------



## scareme

Docs have no sense of humor. Too funny.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

added the last because this is the best cos-play ever !!


----------



## scareme

Good choice of pictures. I love the first one.


----------



## hallorenescene

I like the 3rd one best.


----------



## 22606

Those are great, moonwitchkitty. I used to love _The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy_, and Harley and Joker are easily two of my favorite Batman rogues.


----------



## offmymeds




----------



## PoCoHauntGal

*Random Humour*

For those Headless Horseman fans:


----------



## moonwitchkitty

offmymeds said:


> View attachment 216172
> 
> ]


I Would totally pee my pants


----------



## 22606

Fantastic additions, offmymeds and POCoHauntGal.


----------



## scareme

lol Garth, so sad.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

I hated those Capri-suns! I could not push the plastic straw into one with out absent mindedly squeezing it at the same time, giving myself a sticky "shower!" EVERY TIME!


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

*Humor is my life! (Not complaining!)*

I do laugh So Much, and So often here operating my haunted house every night (Of the year) (For 27 years)
MY laughs tonight came from the loudly wild screaming cries of a tall young man who could not be topped by anyone I know of for volume, sheer explosive quickness of his out cries! (All in front of the two females he came here with too! )
MY biggest laugh the other night was when an older woman toured my house very late when he Son (Tall, athletic looking ) Got on The Bad Dream Bed, got all ready for "Come what May", then hollared much louder than every body else did?
He was non-stop amazed at the ride I had just provided for him..
Then his Mother tells me I am being quite complimented because her Son is a huge fan of those monsterous roller-coasters! (And I just scared and impressed him right here in my house, the Ravens Grin Inn!


----------



## spiderqueen

offmymeds said:


> View attachment 216173




Sam!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Laurie S.

For public awareness...


----------



## 22606

That is awesome, Laurie The sad part is that I would probably rather try to scoot that bull off of my car than scrape ice from it


----------



## moonwitchkitty

The bull picture is awesome!!


----------



## 22606

Some rather comical ads:


----------



## moonwitchkitty

those are funny Garth


----------



## Buggula

:d


----------



## 22606

That is great, moonwitchkitty. Buggula, one page back (but still fantastic)

This Boston Terrier has some serious talent when it comes to impersonations, on par with Michael Winslow (Larvell Jones in _Police Academy_): https://screen.yahoo.com/awesome-an...impersonates-goat-dolphin-200745409.html?vp=1


----------



## PoCoHauntGal




----------



## moonwitchkitty

that is awesome!!


----------



## Buggula




----------



## hallorenescene

offmymeds, those are the most fun ideas anyone's given me. I've got to try those.
poco, good ones.
gym, I hate those capri suns too. every time I see a kid with one I think....parents, are you daft!
oh goodness, lauri s, not bulls too.
moonwitchkitty, that is the truth about xmas at Halloween. irritating.
garth, good ones.
bugula, good one.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

*







Yes i know it's totally random but i found it *


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, your first one is a riot, your second one, well, I know a few that can relate to. and the rest are cute.


----------



## spiderqueen

Haha, might have to share the stool sample ones with my lab buddies.


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## hallorenescene

okay, that one not so funny? try this one.

thanks moonwitch and lilith


----------



## moonwitchkitty

I like that one


----------



## hallorenescene

thanks moonwitch.


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## Lilith's Demon

Mormonism: We chose this $4!|


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## Paint It Black

I love that one, hallo!!


----------



## moonwitchkitty

have a feeling i will one of those old ladies


----------



## Peterg42

Very funny pictures ..


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## 22606

Awesome contributions.


----------



## hallorenescene

holy crap garth. that is some ad. I can see it though.


----------



## DarkManDustin

Here are some.


----------



## hallorenescene

darkman, those are all very good ones.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

the pumpkin spice latte had me rolling


----------



## spiderqueen

That drunk clown ad is probably somebody's dream job!


----------



## hallorenescene




----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, those are all good ones. lol.


----------



## offmymeds




----------



## hallorenescene

those are all cute off my meds, but that web one got a....oh my goodness....followed by a chuckle from me.


----------



## Buggula




----------



## moonwitchkitty

L O V E the last one!


----------



## 22606

Superb contributions.


----------



## hallorenescene

buggula, garth, you both have some real funny ones.


----------



## myfavecoupe

Couple videos I made this past weekend. Saw this thread after I made a separate one whoops 
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/IfrcuE6X9oI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/fib33QvvaqE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>


----------



## hallorenescene

at work we get in boxes of processed potatoes. they say hash browns on all the boxes. you have to open up the box and feel the contents through the paper sack to see what's in them. they could be hash browns, or tater tots, or wedges, or spicy cubes, or potato patties, or French fries. although our one last box got closer. we ordered tater tots and got potato puffs. but they were tater tots. we also get these cheese crunchies and spudster potatoes, but that's what their box always read.


----------



## 22606

Those are amusing videos, myfavecoupe. Next time, though, you may want to try clicking the film reel in the middle row and pasting the link in the box that pops up


----------



## StanFam3

*A Halloween take on....BUYING LOCAL!*


----------



## Countess No

Yes we can, Ron. Yes we can.


----------



## hallorenescene

good ones you guys.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

*







I wish i had time to make this. but we are only going to the Justice of the peace ♥ Jokes aside 
I do want this for our cake 








*


----------



## spiderqueen

That is a great dress!! The cake is hilarious too. And looks like congratulations are in order?


----------



## moonwitchkitty

*Yes Ma'am getting married this Halloween, Been together for 5 years 






*


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitchkitty, that dress is gorgeous. so what are you going to wear? I like your cake toppers too. the one that didn't get away. lol.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

*this is the one i bought last June 

i like this cake topper too*


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitchkitty, the dress you have chosen is very classic and stylish. very pretty. so how are you wearing your hair? do you have a veil. I like all the cake toppers. I think the Frankie one hands down.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

May just jell in it it isn't but 4 inches long. unless i decide to wear a wig ooohh lots of options in that area


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Congrats Moonwitchkitty! I love the dress! I'd wear it. 

I love the toppers. Can't decide which one I like best.


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## spiderqueen

You still have a couple of weeks... If you're crafty, or know someone who is, I'll bet you could modify that dress a bit to resemble the first one you posted.


----------



## hallorenescene

spiderqueen has a good suggestion.
moonwitchkitty, those jokes are very funny. I laughed right out loud.


----------



## Tyrant

The Great Pumpkin meets Rifftrax: 

http://mashable.com/2014/10/14/great-pumpkin-charlie-brown-rifftrax/


----------



## hallorenescene

tyrant, poor Charlie brown. he deserved better.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Here's one for all you arachniphobes


----------



## hallorenescene

oh, I recognize some of those spiders. yep, I bludgeon the smash ones.


----------



## spiderqueen

Not the spiders!


----------



## hallorenescene

spiderqueen, you make me feel sad. stop that. I hate spiders.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I love spiders. So cute. So cuddly. Especially jumping spiders.

Anyways, my first job was a Burger King. We got a lot of business since we were the closest fast food joint to the hospital and many office/medical buildings. Well a crack-Donald's opened up and took a lot of that business. One day while discussing Halloween costumes we ended up [half] jokingly talking about getting a hold of some MacDonald's uniforms, heading out to that new one and pulling old food out of the dumpster and asking the people in drive through if that was what they'd ordered.

That BK no longer exists.


----------



## spiderqueen

Lilith's Demon said:


> I love spiders. So cute. So cuddly. Especially jumping spiders.


SOMEONE WHO LIKES SPIDERS! -hugs- 

Jumping spiders = adorable.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

OMG! OMG! OMG! I'm now gonna hafta make a tiny cemetery for a spider to crawl on!!! Genius! I love it!

My first spider was a phiddippus jumper!


----------



## hallorenescene

lilleth, I got to say you made me squeamish when you said spiders are cuddly. that is bunk. you are being sarcastic right? shivers. and why is bk no longer there? mac drove them out of business? 
spiderqueen, nice cross.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Ok some spiders are cute and I wish I could cuddle up with them. Actually the BK I worked at, and all the others around Joplin, MO are gone thanks mostly to the 2011 tornado, which also took out the MacDonald's. The economic status was another part. As far as I know there are still none around that area.


----------



## catalizms

Some interesting stuff here


----------



## spiderqueen

How can you look at that adorable little jumping spider on his little tombstone and not want to cuddle him? 

LD, it's funny, the only other person I know who likes spiders also lives near Chicago. You don't listen to the band Falconer, do you?


----------



## hallorenescene

I want to be faster than he can jump and smush him. 

spiderqueen, there are others on this forum that like spiders. pod, his wife, and others.


----------



## spiderqueen

That's true, but I've never talked to them that much. The only person I know WELL who likes them lives near Chicago.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Hmm, I wonder who they are. 

I've heard of Falconer but doubt I've heard their music. What kind of genre (s) are they? 

I love spiders though there are a few that are kill on sight! I've had 2 black widows too. I still have my last one. She's displayed with her last egg sac in a nice little plastic jar. Have you ever removed a black widow's egg sac? There's nothing like it!


----------



## spiderqueen

They're a folk power metal band from Sweden. Not many people in the U.S. seem to know of them. But my one spider loving friend and I are both diehard fans. Their vocalist is my absolute favorite singer in the world ever and basically my idol. I'm traveling all the way to Atlanta next year to see their last concert ever (which is also their first show in this country in 12 years -- and they haven't played live ANYWHERE for 5 years now). They are the one band I thought I would never, ever have a chance to see perform! I thought I would have to go to Sweden and take in some musical theatre if I ever wanted to see my idol sing live on stage. I could go on forever about how I felt like I'd won the lottery when I heard the news -- haha. I'll just say that it's a really, big, deal.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I like a huge variety of music though I'm quite picky. I like a lot of classic punk and goth music, death metal, dubstep, chillstep, dark tech, dark ambient, etc. Dimmu Borgir, The Cure, Dead Kennedys, Dr Skendy, Dr Steel, Christian Death, Sisters Of Mercy, Skinny Puppy, Obsidia, Subrot ... Just to name a few.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Lilith's Demon said:


> I love spiders. So cute. So cuddly. Especially jumping spiders.


Me too. I put together this video


----------



## spiderqueen

I'm enjoying all the spider love!!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I had to look it up on my YouTube app to watch it. Wouldn't play on the page but that's my phone. I "liked" the video. Needless to say I have to memorize the words. Its the perfect lullaby! Lole!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

spiderqueen said:


> I'm enjoying all the spider love!!


I guess we're the Spider club!


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Lilith's Demon said:


> I had to look it up on my YouTube app to watch it. Wouldn't play on the page but that's my phone. I "liked" the video. Needless to say I have to memorize the words. Its the perfect lullaby! Lole!


Thanks for the "like". I got this song some years ago from e-music.com, but it's available as a digital download from Amazon.com. Just search 'Davey Dickens-Jungle Women and Other Madness'.


----------



## Peterg42

WOW ! these are really funny pictures...


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Happy Thanksgiving everyone


----------



## thenightmarefamily

Garthgoyle said:


> Great I love the Lamont one (yes, despite my age, I know of _Sanford and Son_).




Love the baby, it cracked me up.


----------



## hallorenescene

good jokes pumkinhead. 
the baby one is definitely cute, but the cat lady starter kit is the one I loved. those kitties are adorable.


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## 22606

That is quite amusing, moonwitchkitty.

Consuela (_Family Guy_), Cartman, and Granny:


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Think I need help


----------



## scareme

Love the cartoons, Garth. 

We all need help here, Moonwitch, you're just one of the few that admit it.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

I defiantly have issues


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Maybe ancient humans began pulling something over them when they slept because it just affected their mind into lying and saying "Now nothing can get you as you sleep", a small lie made up by their mind, who actually knew better but still had to get some sleep every night!
We all do this everyday now don't we? We tell ourselves something bad can't happen or won't happen, because... we are nice people?
One time i was told because of my Birth sign that i was going to have a very good, lucky year... to which i said, "You mean to tell me, that of ALL the millions of people alive on this planet right now that share my birth sign, that NONE of us are going to get killed? Get an arm ripped off"? Suffer some heinous, grievous pains?
Pretty silly if they would have answered "Yes!"


----------



## 22606

Gym Whourlfeld said:


> ...One time i was told because of my Birth sign that i was going to have a very good, lucky year... to which i said, "You mean to tell me, that of ALL the millions of people alive on this planet right now that share my birth sign, that NONE of us are going to get killed? Get an arm ripped off"? Suffer some heinous, grievous pains?


Pretty funny. Your response sounds similar to something that I would say, Gym, which I am not sure is a good thing


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, I love your blanket security. good one


----------



## hallorenescene

> 



> 
> 
> Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
> Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course.
> 
> St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course,
> but he cautions them that there is only one rule: 
> Don’t hit the ducks in your first three months here. 
> 
> Upon entering the course, 
> the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.
> Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. 
> The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and 
> soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks. 
> 
> St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks,
> “Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”
> St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the woman to him and said,
> "now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity".
> 
> The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks,
> but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did.
> The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an
> even uglier woman and cuffed them together for eternity.
> 
> The third man was extremely careful. 
> After three months of this he still hadn’t hit a duck.
> St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months
> and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, 
> the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. 
> St. Peter then, without a word, 
> handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
> 
> The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity,
> let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud, 
> “I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
> 
> The woman responds, 
> “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”
> 
> 
> HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Some teenagers were playing in a real graveyard, one of them fell into an open grave ready for the next day's funeral and could not climb out. when he yelled for help everyone else was too afraid to even look to see where the voice was coming from!
Exhausted,not knowing what to do, he sat down ,put his head in his hands. a man's voice from right behind him said , "If we help each other, we can get out."
The teenager was up and out of the open grave right now!
The poor old drunk who had fallen in earlier was gotten out the next day.


----------



## 22606

Both are hilarious, hallo and Gym.


----------



## hallorenescene

now that's a good one gym


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## 22606

I love those, moonwitchkitty.


I wonder if the man who lives next door to real-life Flanders happens to resemble Homer.








More rolls than a Shar-Pei puppy...


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Warning! this joke might be a long "read".

A.J. Foyt drove almost every kind of race car in his career, first person to ever win the Indy 500 4 times. Only person to in one year compete in Lemans 24 hr. race (Won it) and two other endurance races in one year. He drove so many different types of race cars and won so many times as to be incredible.
He was on the last lap of one race, in the lead, coming around a corner very fast when he remembered a premonition he had the night before concerning going around this last turn, so he slowed down to only 100 MPH and there was a five car pile up waiting for him, no problem at that speed to weave through them and win the race, he set speed records.
A contemporary of Foyt was Parnelli Jones who once revived Foyt after a serious wreck after the doctor had declared Foyt dead!
So Parnelli Jones was thought to be the right and only choice as to who should tell Foyt the following joke, and Parnelli did, possibly at Elkhart Lake , Wis, race track when i was there, that's how i heard this joke! second or third-hand.

"A little dirt track racer rolled his car, was killed. Arriving in Heaven, he was met by an angel, "What would you like to do now that you are here in Heaven?"
The racer thought ,and said,"I want my own Indianapolis 500 race track, and i want to be un-beatable with the top car and everything!"
The angel granted his wishes. Around and around the track (His Track) he went by the hour, passing all of the other cars, having a REALLY GREAT TIME!
Then.. looking in his mirror, he sees a new race car coming up fast behind him!?
As the mystery car passes him effortlessly an arm pops up giving him the finger! On the back of the helmet is has the letters "A.J.F."
the dirt track racer shuts off his engine coasts to a stop, dejected, His angel approaches.."What's wrong? don't you want to race anymore?"
"When did Foyt die?
"A.J. Foyt isn't dead."
"Well then who passed me wearing a helmet that had "A.J.F." on it, if Foyt's not dead?"
The angel's face now had a look of all-knowing,.. "Oh! That's just GOD, he only thinks he's A.J. Foyt!"


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, good ones. I can feel it.
garth, to funny. love them


----------



## 22606

Thanks, hallo.

I do not know about others, but I got a chuckle out of the joke, Gym.


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## hallorenescene

oh my lord, that is a riot moonwitch. I am going to do that at the next motel that is raunchy. too funny. better yet, put some shrimp tails in there and it will smell like someone died. lmao


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## spiderqueen

That hotel bed post reminded me of this photo I took. I was staying in a hotel while my apartment was being remodeled after a flood. I looked out my second-floor window one day and this is what I saw:


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, good ones. 
spiderqueen, what the heck? did you check it out?


----------



## spiderqueen

I left it alone.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Oh yeah... sorry. That was me.


----------



## spiderqueen

Coulda stopped to say hello...


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Here's a meme I made from a picture of my Great-Nephew. Before you even ask, the cup was empty (but it didn't stop him from trying to drink from it lol)


----------



## hallorenescene

ohhh, pumpkinhead, what an adorable cute little guy. I think he's sad because the cup is empty.


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## 22606

Both are superb, moonwitchkitty. I love the Lovecraftian humor of the second.

I had this stupid ad show on Yahoo today and thought that it was quite hilarious. All of you ladies are out of luck, unfortunately


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, 2 good ones.
garth, are men that gullible?


----------



## 22606

hallorenescene said:


> garth, are men that gullible?


You mean to tell me that I wasted the money ordering those pills last night? Drats!!


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Very Zen pug

other gym rats know what I'm talking about


----------



## spiderqueen

If those pills worked, I would buy them for every man in the city.


----------



## hallorenescene

garth, you made me chuckle, till I read spiderqueens, that made me roar. glad I live in such a small town. lol.
moonwitch, especially the gym one rocks. in my younger days, one of my sisters, a friend of mine and I took a work out class at the y. we worked out 3 days a week. it was fun. after the workout we would vent how stiff and sore we were. my friends husband would make fun of us. he said we were wimps. lol. so one day we could bring a friend to workout with us. we brought her hubby. soo funny. after the workout, we about had to carry him from the gym. I almost remember him crawling out on all fours.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

A man died was at Heaven's gate. The Angel told him:"You now have to pass a test to get into here."
first question"How many seconds are there in a Year?"
"That's Easy, "12".
"12 ?"
"Yes, there is January Second, Feb. Second, March Second...'
Final question (Because i can't remember the entire joke!)
Really.
"What is God's first name?"
"That's Easy! It's "Andy!"

"Andy?"

He begins singing the old song:

"Yes! "Andy walks with me Andy talks with me, Andy tells me i am his own...'
A joke i just HAD to tell to my son, Andrew.


----------



## hallorenescene

gym, that's a very good joke


----------



## 22606

Pretty funny, Gym.


A bit of political humor, so please skip if prone to being upset by a joke involving the president.

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards President Obama and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replies, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand... Show me!"

In response, the Pope backhands Obama and knocks him off the stage.


----------



## hallorenescene

I think it's hilarious


----------



## moonwitchkitty

happy hump day everyone!!


----------



## hallorenescene

happy hump day to you too.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Not quite a "Joke". years ago on a late Sunday afternoon we were getting ready for house tours, there were people milling around the front of the Ravens Grin Inn.
A young rather well-dressed couple were walking passed me (with no place to really go except eventually over a cliff, if they kept walking.)
"Excuse me, I said, "are going to go through the house?"
"No, we are in town to hear Barrack Obama speak.'
I had never heard of him? Being kind of a smart-azz i quipted:"Is he the guy hiding in that geo-catching box over the cliff?"
We had some tours,my Wife walked up the block to buy herself some cigarettes and saw bumper stickers and signs talking about "Obama,"Osama? She wondered what kind of a meeting would be happening just a block from us?
We took the short walk,a crowd of maybe 400 people were gathered around in the street at the Civil War monument and Civil War cannons,which was a large crowd for this town.
We listened to Barrack Obama speak for maybe just 10 minutes, I felt fear for him. I told my wife , "He's saying things that I have never heard another politician ever say before."
After we walked back home I happened to be on-line with a well-known Haunter. I told him, "I could be wrong,but I think that I just heard the next President of the United States speaking in Mount Carroll.' 
Obama was just running for his Senate seat .
A few years later that Haunter called me and said:"You were Right!"
One of the more interesting little ESP-things i have had .


----------



## scareme

When Barrack was running to be the Dem. candidate, he went door to door two blocks from my Mom's house in Iowa. He came back four years later to see how everyone was doing. When he came back the second time, there were A LOT more secret service and press with him. Go figure.

Now back to our regularly scheduled humor....

In honor of Valentine's Day-

http://www.capnwacky.com/valentines/valcard1.html


----------



## 22606

Both of those tales regarding Obama are amusing.

The Valentine's card write-up is hilarious, scareme.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Today an image popped into my head for a cartoon: It's the Super Bowl.One team is just a few small points behind, BUT THEY have the ball on the 6ich line at their goal line!
"Pass" or "RUN?" Well your best runner has been unstoppable all day long,he's the guy who just ran it these last ten yards .. So?
the play comes in from the Bench,coach says "Pass it!"
"Down set,hut hut hut! " the ball is snapped to the quarter back,he turns away from his goal line and passes it toward the other teams goal line,and almost gets it there."
"Why did you pas it toward the opposite end of the field?"
"Well at least the other team didn't get it,did they?"

I personally think "someone" has been playing too much Fantasy Football.


----------



## hallorenescene

I'm not an Obama fan, but I still think it would be exciting to shake hands with him. I think his wife and kids are lovely though. scarme, does your mom regret him not coming to her door?
I'm not into politics, so I wouldn't have known who he was. I would have been trying to peep out the window to see who was there, with out being seen. I wouldn't have answered the door not knowing him. later on I would have said....dang!


----------



## scareme

I couldn't imagine my Mom talking to Obama. If she treated him like she does everyone, she would have talked his ear off, and ended up putting him to work folding the laundry or something. She was a trip. I was there the first time, but I didn't know he was that close until the evening news. I would have got to meet him. Not the second time though. I don't like big crowds and TV cameras.


----------



## hallorenescene

oh my, that would have been interesting if your mom had him doing the laundry. lol. I wonder how he would have handled that.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Politics in Illinois is often a "Joke". when i was a small kid, the Governor stopped via helicopter to say "Hi!". He wasn't governor a few months later and he was jailed for being a crook,and then we had how many illinois Governors go to jail after Stratton?
It became a Joke. "I want to be governor of this Great State and then go to Prison!?"
Go for it "OTTO!,and the rest. Pathetic right" Blogo?"
When I was in high school our Sec. of State died,they found a shoebox in his closet that had a tremendous amount of CASH in it!?
"His money? Our money?" Paul Powel, The "Who's Who book listed his academic achievements and he was Married and had five? Kids? no,none of that was true either. Amazing liars-crooks,some get caught ,sometimes. You have to laugh or cry.

The only way Abe Lincoln got the Republican nomination was his friend owned the rail road line from Springfield to Chicago and they gave everyone a free train ride to the convention,packing the hall with revelers screaming for "Honest Abe". Not quite on a par with the things previously mentioned but "interesting".


----------



## moonwitchkitty

Awesome


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, I don't think the dog likes hats. I do though. cute hats


----------



## kakugori

I'm re-playing Neverwinter Nights: Hordes of the Underdark, and I thought you folks would appreciate one of Deekin the kobold henchman's little jokes that he learned from his old dragon master. (Going from memory here. Also: warning? Brutality/torture played for stupid joke.)


Story takes place long ago, place far, far away, etc. etc. during a war between two human kingdoms.

The King has a brother, technically a Count, let's call him Fred.

Count Fred rides off into battle to do...whatever he thinks he's supposed to do in this war. And promptly gets captured by the enemy. Enemy puts him into the dungeon, and as he's a noble they figure they'll torture him for information. So they cut off his toes.

But our Count Fred isn't talking.

So then with the fingers. Still no info.

So they take his nose. Guy still won't tell them anything.

By this point, this King is getting pretty impressed with Fred's resolve so he says "ok, he's not going to tell us anything. Go ahead and put him out of his misery."

Torture master grabs his hatchet and gets down to business. Fred loses his nerve as the hatchet is raised: "Ok, ok, I'll talk!" but he's too late.

Moral of the story?

Don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened.


(I warned you that it was a Deekin story.)


----------



## scareme

That's pretty funny, kakugori. Does that make me warped?


----------



## scareme

This was me yesterday. Today I took my happy pills.


----------



## kakugori

Maybe we're both warped. Obviously I thought it was funny enough to share. It's all in the set-up.


But let's blame it on whoever wrote the game


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

I was busy yesterday afternoon and last night with people coming to see The Ravens Grin Inn. 
The last late night group had a pretty young woman in it with her boyfriend , they have been here many times.
She is a psychiatrist. 
I made a point of asking her at the Exit if i passed my psychological testing yet?
She said i had. So now i am wondering if I am the subject of a case study now or something like that?


----------



## hallorenescene

yes scareme, I guess we are warped. and your minion joke cracked me up.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

kakugori said:


> I'm re-playing Neverwinter Nights: Hordes of the Underdark, and I thought you folks would appreciate one of Deekin the kobold henchman's little jokes that he learned from his old dragon master. (Going from memory here. Also: warning? Brutality/torture played for stupid joke.)
> 
> 
> Story takes place long ago, place far, far away, etc. etc. during a war between two human kingdoms.
> 
> The King has a brother, technically a Count, let's call him Fred.
> 
> Count Fred rides off into battle to do...whatever he thinks he's supposed to do in this war. And promptly gets captured by the enemy. Enemy puts him into the dungeon, and as he's a noble they figure they'll torture him for information. So they cut off his toes.
> 
> But our Count Fred isn't talking.
> 
> So then with the fingers. Still no info.
> 
> So they take his nose. Guy still won't tell them anything.
> 
> By this point, this King is getting pretty impressed with Fred's resolve so he says "ok, he's not going to tell us anything. Go ahead and put him out of his misery."
> 
> Torture master grabs his hatchet and gets down to business. Fred loses his nerve as the hatchet is raised: "Ok, ok, I'll talk!" but he's too late.
> 
> Moral of the story?
> 
> Don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened.
> 
> 
> (I warned you that it was a Deekin story.)


LMAO!! That was great.


----------



## spiderqueen

Is there anyone on this forum who _isn't_ warped?


----------



## hallorenescene

garth isn't warped.


----------



## scareme

He may not be warped, but he's a little bent.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I'm not warped. All the bodies in my basement are hung with care and their skins folded neatly and put away in my dresser made out of wood from coffins I dug up to find a date for the high school reunion and figured why waste the wood? Did you know that ribs make great clothes hangers. Just bore a hole in the center and screw hook taken from your neighbor's house. Hell you can get the ribs from them too. Bones have many practical uses around the house.


----------



## hallorenescene

Lilith is warped and bent. 
garth is bent.
am I the only unwarped, unbent one here?


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Yes. You're twisted though.


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

spiderqueen said:


> Is there anyone on this forum who _isn't_ warped?


Yes, and we're working hard on getting them to get with the program


----------



## hallorenescene

pumpkinhead, yes, we need to program them all. lol. 
Lilith, twisted as in the queen of hearts? and I do like the color red.


----------



## 22606

I am bent and broken, with no hope of repair... Need a director of the program?


A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day, a young man enters the store and glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. 

After many trips, she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."


----------



## hallorenescene

that is a riot. 
garth, okay, you be director. but...since you got your job, you're not around much anymore. uhhuh, let's see, when this happened with my daughter, I recall you saying....yeah, they get a job, and then they have no time for you anymore. I'm use to people being that way though. lol. here's a little...BACK AT YOU BUD. lol. oh yeah


----------



## 22606

Well, _you_ chose to give me the job as 'director', with so much added responsibility, having to brainwa... uh, _convert_ the others


----------



## hallorenescene

one sucker at a time, aye.


----------



## moonwitchkitty




----------



## hallorenescene

thanks moonwitchkitty. you and everyone too.


----------



## 22606

The Joker and Harley are two of my favorites. That is hilarious, moonwitchkitty


----------



## moonwitchkitty

they are my favorite as well  i went as Harley for Halloween last year so much fun


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, I think I remember you posting a picture of you in costume


----------



## moonwitchkitty

I did


----------



## hallorenescene

moonwitch, those are excellent pictures. how fun. you guys look great. my youngest granddaughter is a big time batman fan. she loves the movies. I think I pretty much have all of them.


----------



## scareme

Onetime when my daughter was little she had a neighbor girl come over to play with her. It was dark, so I walked the little girl back home. There was a grand opening somewhere close by, and they had a searchlight playing in the sky to get everyone's attention. The little girl looked up and pointed at the light. "Look! Someone's trying to call Batman." She was such an innocent.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Bat Cat Man!


----------



## moonwitchkitty

last one is for garth


----------



## hallorenescene

liliths, good one.
moonwitch, the poisoned one would be a good april fools joke


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I love all cats!


----------



## hallorenescene

those are some really pretty cats


----------



## Crazy Bonez

It may be cold out but get your skeletons out of the closet.


----------



## hallorenescene

it was in the 40's here yesterday.  but the snow has not vanished.


----------



## spiderqueen

It's 79 here, and that's after the sun has gone down.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Lole!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Lole again!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Sorry. Doing this on my phone. Not easy.

LOLECAT!!!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

The spirit of a cat is within all of us... Even other cats! 










Ok, ok. I'm done now... for now


----------



## hallorenescene

good one's lillith


----------



## Crazy Bonez

It's warming up now today. Had the dog out on the ice but needed to call for help. Thin ice. Spring must be coming...


----------



## McBernes

Christ...We started doing the elf on the shelf thing last year (2014). Im an artist, so I feel I can lay some claim to creativity, but seriously...After several days is started getting real stressful lol. I somehow managed to dodge some bad arguments over that crappy little elf. Halloween is a better holiday anyway.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

I asked a woman "What is you favorite "Magic Word?"
She responded saying "Please."
Then i asked,"Is it "Please"? Or is it "Please Stop?"
Last night with her "Man" beside her this woman said ,"Well,actually my favorite magic word is "Please MORE!"
(This was a new response!)
Then we walk a few feet,I ask them to repeat their Magic word,they do,and "Magically" the heavy steel door with the jagged teeth quickly slides Open!
"We are Saved!"
Little kids love this when their" Magic" word "works".
We adults NEED More Magic words,don't we!


----------



## Laurie S.

I'm almost 40, and fart jokes are still hilarious.


----------



## moonwitchkitty

My Husband needs this


----------



## 22606

Those are hilarious.

John Krasinski's performance of _Proud Mary_ is quite lively


----------



## Laurie S.

Wrong, I know.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Ahahahahahahaha!!!!!!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

This one ought to be extra special for some of us.


----------



## Lilith's Demon

I can't help it!   










Lole!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

All I can say is: I'm so proud!


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

A man near here had a cat that had fangs about three times longer than normal,they hung out of his mouth,no place else to put them!


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Our Robert has huge fangs. They're not 3 times larger than normal but they are big enough that they stick out all the time. He's a Russian Blue floppy lump of a sweetheart cat. 

David is our Vampurr.

Pieturo is our Count Fluffula. 

Did I mention I love cats? Especially mine


----------



## Lilith's Demon




----------



## Lilith's Demon

I am so doing this some day!!!


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

A "Story" I was told: A man in Chicago had a 57 Chevy. they had two "Bumps" in the hood with chrome "Bullets sticking out of the two lumps in the hood.
A guy had two 30Cal. us machine guns, them mounted under the hood inside the engine compartment with just the tips of the barrels sticking out where he had removed the two chrome pieces He would drive facing a crowd of people on a street corner and fire blanks through the machine guns, making everyone jump and run.
Is this story to be believed? Supposed to have happened probably around the early 1960s?
The man telling me this story was from Chicago, he and his family lived here (Mount Carroll) for a few years, we were in the JCs together.
His wife had some kind of an operation, another woman saw him walking alone down the street and asked "So, Bill, how is your Wife?" "Better than nothing." He said. (I don't think he was trying to be funny....)


----------



## Mapleton Manor




----------



## HalloweenJokes

Halloween Joke Think Tank Meeting Humor


----------



## Lilith's Demon




----------



## Lilith's Demon

This is officially the most adorable spider gif ever!


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

Spider practicing hard to make the Cheer Leader squad! (Checking his arm pits for any new "Hair"? )


----------



## Greenwick

moonwitchkitty said:


> last one is for garth



Who is the artist that did the second one? Tht's priceless!


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Here are a couple of memes I made recently









I'm especially proud of this one:


----------



## TosaTerror

This is great 

https://twitter.com/cctv_idiots/status/781893306527744001


----------



## DarkManDustin

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.


----------



## Gym Whourlfeld

True story: A family with numerous children lived in a house right next to the Grave Yard. One night the two older girls returned from a movie, came in the house and were actually very terrified by "Something in the grave Yard!"
"Whadda yah mean? We play in the grave Yard every night, there's nothing there to be afraid of!"
Eventually all of them went outside to see what they may have been talking about?
All of them got quickly scared as "Something" light colored moved quickly from Grave Marker to grave marker, stopping every so often!
There was a breeze that was moving an un-folded newspaper sort of like a tumble weed.
I guess that you could almost hear the newspaper saying:"Read all about it! Read all about it! "Kids are afraid of the Grave Yard, Again!"
(And some of the boys in the family were considered "Tough guys" too! )


----------



## HalloweenJokes

The Bloody Vampire Bat Joke

A giant vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh red blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get a good nights sleep.

Pretty soon all the other vampire bats smelled the sweet blood that covered the giant vampire bat and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with thousands of flying vampire bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other vampire bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, Yes, Yes!” the vampire bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good” said the giant vampire bat, “Because I sure as hell didn’t!”


Happy Halloween All


----------



## Lilith's Demon

Omg, I forgot about this joke! I haven't heard it in years! Thank you for posting it!


----------



## DarkManDustin

Here are a few funnies of my dog.


----------



## freekvduin

HalloweenJokes said:


> The Bloody Vampire Bat Joke
> 
> A giant vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh red blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get a good nights sleep.
> 
> Pretty soon all the other vampire bats smelled the sweet blood that covered the giant vampire bat and began hassling him about where he got it.
> 
> He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
> 
> “OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with thousands of flying vampire bats behind him.
> 
> Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
> 
> Finally he slowed down and all the other vampire bats excitedly milled around him.
> 
> “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
> 
> “Yes, Yes, Yes!” the vampire bats all screamed in a frenzy.
> 
> “Good” said the giant vampire bat, “Because I sure as hell didn’t!”
> 
> 
> Happy Halloween All


Classic


----------



## HalloweenJokes

MMA Fighter Visits Hospital On Halloween Joke

A man was in the hospital for a series of medical tests, the last test had left his tummy upset. After making many false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided that the fifth false trip would be his last and just stay in bed from now on. Then he had to go again and this time it was the real deal and the bed sheets were covered in brown matter. This was very embarrassing for this man so he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets into a large ball, and threw them out the nearest open hospital window.

A MMA fighter was walking to the hospital to visit a injuried training partner when the ball of sheets landed on him. He started screaming, punching, and kicking his legs wildly as hard as he could, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the MMA fighter stood there staring down at the sheets trying to work out what the hell just happen, a hospital security guard who had just witness the whole incident walked up and asked, “Are you ok?” Still staring down at what just attacked him, the MMA fighter replied: “I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost!”

Happy Halloween all


----------



## Pumpkinhead625

Did you remember to change your clocks?


----------



## tomanderson

someone apparently has perfected the art of turning peanuts into monsters.


----------



## tomanderson

Even more startling is this picture.


----------



## tomanderson

And here is that cat shark monster that's been giving people so much trouble down at the pier. You probably read about it.


----------



## tomanderson

baby monkey with a banana


----------



## tomanderson

publicity still from "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein"


----------



## tomanderson

Ventriloquist dummy caterpillar!! Yeah yeah yeah!!!!!


----------



## tomanderson

It's annoying the way the tentacles grab at ya and stick, isn't it?


----------



## tomanderson

So very, very true


----------



## tomanderson

People call him "The Godfather of Gore". You may not like his films! But if you've seen any, you know they are difficult to forget.


----------



## tomanderson

Here's a nice image, this looks to be a collaboration between Something Weird Video artists Lisa Petrucci and Jason Willis. Incredible!


----------



## JustaBunchOfHocusPocus




----------

